SELFABSORBED.ME

“Ok Kim, you can do this…you can do this...” I was prepping myself in the back of my mind. “Just walk in, just walk in like you do this all the time, like it’s no big deal...it’s no big deal...”
“COMMON KIMM..” I heard someone say.

I stared at the front door of the strip club. How I had been talked into this I have no idea. I would never want to do this in a million years. My friends had to forcefully drag me here to ever get me to go…. And by “drag” , some may say is an overstatement, and some people might also say it was was “my idea” to go to a strip club, but those people are filthy liars!

When I walked into the lobby of the club it was like going into one of those really scary Halloween Haunted Houses. The ones you know you want to go one , just to experience it, but at the same time, you have no clue what’s going to happen to you once you enter and you kept telling yourself, you are at the state fair for God’s Sake and the only scary thing inside there is some flashing lights and a pot bellied man named Bingo who runs the haunted trailer. It was like the midnight thrill ride at Spooky Town, except without the Silence of the Lambs facemasks. (Do not even pretend like you haven’t been to Spooky Town)

I walked up to the front desk.

“30 dollars,” the woman behind the counter said.

“30 Dollars! 30 dollars! But I’m a girl!” I screamed. “I’ve seen girl parts before! I have my own! I can see myself naked all the time if I want!”

She just went back to filing her nails, rolling her eyes, “30 dollars” she repeated.

I didn’t pay 30 dollars last week for a button up green blouse at The GAP yet, I’m offering up 30 bucks to see Candy rip off her edible thong and throw it over my face. Perfect.

I took out money from my pocket and placed it on the counter.

After arriving I agreed to please my guy friends and let one of the strippers eat a dollar bill out of my bra. I figured it was like doing charity work and I could probably write it off in next year’s taxes.

As she approached me she was swinging her hips around and had on nothing more than a money garter belt.

“Hi…umm….how are you?” I said. “I like the color of your top…err um, your half-top?”

She looked down at me and smiled.

“Ok, well…see..the thing is..I’ve never been here before..” I started to say.

“What?” she asked, leaning in closer.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB” I screamed over the music.

She smiled at me.

“So …ummm…well…when you eat the dollar bill out of umm, my bra…can you umm…can you not touch me with your boobs please?”

“What?” she asked again, leaning in closer to hear me.

“CAN YOU NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS PLEASE?” I screamed. …“Please just don’t touch me with your boobs… like when you lean over, can you keep your boobs out of the way? ..I just...well umm..I just don’t want you to touch me with anything…dirty.”

She laughed a bit, “Ok”, she said. “I promise I won’t touch you. Just lean forward.”

I moved in closer and she leaned over and ate out the dollar bill right out of my bra. It was all very skillful too, like she had done it before.
Odd.

I smiled, pulling my black button down sweater up a bit.

I could hear my guy friends howling and clapping.

“Thanks..” I said. “That was ..umm..nice.”

She smiled.

She was just standing there, staring at me awkwardly for a moment.

Is this when I was supposed to talk to the stripper? Was I supposed to engage her in some sort of conversation? I don’t know all the stripper rules yet!

So I just started talking.

ME- “So I have been thinking about investing in my own money garter belt…I mean you never know when you are going to need one of those things right?’

She just stared at me.

ME-“I mean, I feel like I could use it for other things too you know, like to hold my Starbucks around my leg in the morning and what not...”

Blank stare.

ME-“You know it’s funny, I never realize how hard it is to talk to women, cause you talk to men and it’s like blah blah blah I have boobs, I win the conversation….know what I’m sayin sista!”

More blank staring.

ME-“I bought this sweater from Old Navy.”

HER-“You work in the Navy?”

ME- “Umm….yeah.”

Stripper walks away.

I truly believe this video is a clear example of the life I live. And more importantly I even own the Girl phone in that color. This video is art. And Life. And Jesus. All rolled into one.

But I digress:

It goes something like this.

So he gets this “small injury” and they need to send him home…but not just home, to a hospital…and not to just any hospital...but whatever medical procedure they need to do to him can only be done by the hospital that is a block away from my apartment. Because the only real appendectomies place happens to be across the street. And his family, well his poor family, is out there living in the South, probably miles away from running water and cannot fly to come see him…..

So guess who he has to call? …No no, not the girls from Scores... no, he has to call ME ..And I walk into the hospital room, and he is laying there and looks up, and I am like a vision, probably wearing my purple dress with the V-Neck that caused me to max out my Banana Republic card, and it breezes around as I walk in the room, because there is always a light breeze from somewhere.

And his parents look over at me and then look at Military Boy and say, “wow, she must be one amazing woman to stay here with you all this time.” And he bows his head and says, “She is Mom…she really is…”

Go pick up CBS' Watch! Magazine today! It can be found at any major magazine stand...located next/near/around the TV Guides. Then shove any small children or people in wheelchairs out of the way to get you copy!