Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Just Another Jesus Post

I just recently returned back to civilization from a place many refer to as, "The New Jersey Shore" ...but I like to refer to it as "Vinny Put On Too Much Tanning Lotion Shore". In case you are unaware of the shore, my friend Colleen put it into perspective for me, she mentioned on our first day there , "My boyfriend Google'd Belmar just to see where we would be staying and the only thing that came up was pictures of guys on steroids in tight T-Shirts.." So he assumed we were either going to 'The Shore' or to a large Gay festival celebrating hard nipples and Tuna Fish sandwiches...and man oh man do I wish it was the latter...

If he isn't sexy, then I don't know what sexy is

I feel as though after spending my weekend covered in bronzer (side note- I love that spell check doesn't' even know that the fucking word Bronzer is..get with it spell check, get fucking with it!).. I really need to repent my sins...And you all know what "repenting my sins" means...

It is time for a Jesus Post!

This was me and Jesus playing at the Bronx Zoo..
those damn animals love him..

Praise Mary Magdalene Sweet Sally Jesse Rafael, yes, it is time to spend a short moment discussing the man of the moment, that's right. Jesus Christ. I feel like Jesus and I have many intimate conversations, mainly about important things in life such as my nephews being born or if Tasty Delight really is calorie free (Jesus is on the fence about it as well).

I’ve always wanted to have a celebrity as my best friend….like someone really cool and famous to be my best bud….a really good celebrity too…like Jesus.

I think Jesus would make an awesome best friend. And like we would do super cool things together like go shopping, I am thinking, Neiman Marcus? Although I hear he is more of a Bloomingdale's kinda guy.

For starters I would totally take him to get new sandals because I mean where did he get those ugly sandals anyways, Macy's or something? And we I would definitely take him to get him a new smock. The one he wears is put together so badly Like,what, they didn’t have sewing machines back then or something? Common.

Jesus and I could do cool best friend things too like get one of those "Best Friends Forever" necklaces.

Jesus could have the half of the heart that says "Best" and I could have the half of the heart that says "Friend".

The great thing about having a best friend like Jesus is the fact that you could get into any club you wanted. No more waiting in line at Marquee or Pink Elephant. People would be showing with friends like "Paris Hilton".. and I would be like "Ummm I am here with..JESUS CHRIST..."..And they would just let us right in.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It's Time for Some Sunshine

That is what I look when I step inside my makeup bag as well, I even wear glitter bathing's like, my thing now, it's how I roll

So I dont know if anyone else received Sephora updates in their mailbox (I know Papa Dukes does for sho), but I have to say this time I around I was so intrigued by the message. Namely because the headline in my email box was, "Hello Sunshine!". And that is normally how you get my attention, mostly because I assume you are going to be selling me a penis enlarger, which I so desperately need ...thank you DickyCHen69 for that one!

Upon opening the email I had a flashback to being a little kid and staring at the sex articles in Cosmo magazine, where I knew ONE DAY I was going to wake up and be that perfect woman who read sex articles and wore musk....funny, I am still waiting for that to happen...but I digress;

I would like to introduce YOU the Sephora Catalogue photos!

Now I don’t know about you but this is something I do on any given day…hang out in my 1952 bathing suit looking surprised. What is she so surprised about? The fact that she is the exact same size as that bottle of mystic tan sitting next to her? I mean I know models keep getting smaller, but damn. Maybe she is on that new liquid diet? Or the tape worm-thing. I hear that is all the rage now. People ask me sometimes why I am on the tape worm diet and I tell ya, because I want to be the size of a damn tanning bottle, that's why Mary Magdalene, THAT'S

What is she looking so secretive over? The fact that she has 24 colors all in one? Well let me tell you, my Aunt Sally has one of these things, except her cost about three dollars and she got it from the Pick n Save off of Route 93, stole it out of the hands of the woman who wheels her cat around in a metal basket. Cause some days I feel like having purple eyes. And some days I feel like having red ones. But mostly I just like that fact that I look like my Aunt Sally on her Valium days.

Now this one is my favorite..mostly because I TOO happen to lounge around in a yellow bathing suit and heels. I don’t know about you but when I feel like it’s lipgloss and nail polish time I yell out, “HEY GEORGE!" ( he is the homeless man who sleeps below my window on Tuesday’s) "George, bust out that yellow bikini I have been letting you use for a snot rag and bring it over this way because I feel like its lipgloss time!” And that is normally when George mumbles something about the war and then falls asleep on a chard of glass. Ahh, these are the days to remember, cause they will not last forever.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

My Apologies..And A Picture Story

So I apologize my dear readers for being so distant recently...I have been a horrible blogger, waiting almost a week to repost, not commenting on anyone's pages..talking shit about all of you to my Mom....I have just been a bad bad blogger and I deserve a serious spanking...from someone whom is very very hot ...(I am guessing Cajun Boy, you might be up for this challenge?)
But I digress.
There is a reason for this and it is called having a severe, scientific case of, "moppyness". You see I am having what some people might refer to as "problems with the men-folk".
I don't understand what is going on with me recently. There have been many men in the past three months that have come in and out of my life , including a few ex boyfriends as well...and for some reason I cannot get a firm grip on anything. They all keep drifting in and out of my life like the bad service waiters at the Times Square TGIFridays who never bring you back the lemon for your water because all I wanted was a LEMON AND A DAMN SIDE OF HONEY MUSTARD!
Instead of going into some deep long post about my "feelings" and why I have been feeling so "depressed" recently and blahdiddy blah blah..I figured I would do a picture story...because AIN'T THAT SPECIAL...
SO recently I have been a bit of this:
Which has subsequently lead me to much of this:

Now to help myself I have gone with the timeless remedy of lots of this:

And some even more of this:
Which unfortunately ends up making a lot of this happen:

That is normally followed by some of these:

Which actually looks more like some of these:

Which is followed by more of this:

Thursday, May 8, 2008

We Don't Call Them Strippers Anymore..We Call Them Money Belt Attendents

Ok Kim, you can do this…you can do this...” I was prepping myself in the back of my mind. “Just walk in, just walk in like you do this all the time, like it’s no big’s no big deal...”
“COMMON KIMM..” I heard someone say.

I stared at the front door of the strip club. How I had been talked into this I have no idea. I would never want to do this in a million years. My friends had to forcefully drag me here to ever get me to go…. And by “drag” , some may say is an overstatement, and some people might also say it was was “my idea” to go to a strip club, but those people are filthy liars!

When I walked into the lobby of the club it was like going into one of those really scary Halloween Haunted Houses. The ones you know you want to go one , just to experience it, but at the same time, you have no clue what’s going to happen to you once you enter and you kept telling yourself, you are at the state fair for God’s Sake and the only scary thing inside there is some flashing lights and a pot bellied man named Bingo who runs the haunted trailer. It was like the midnight thrill ride at Spooky Town, except without the Silence of the Lambs facemasks. (Do not even pretend like you haven’t been to Spooky Town)

I walked up to the front desk.

“30 dollars,” the woman behind the counter said.

“30 Dollars! 30 dollars! But I’m a girl!” I screamed. “I’ve seen girl parts before! I have my own! I can see myself naked all the time if I want!”

She just went back to filing her nails, rolling her eyes, “30 dollars” she repeated.

I didn’t pay 30 dollars last week for a button up green blouse at The GAP yet, I’m offering up 30 bucks to see Candy rip off her edible thong and throw it over my face. Perfect.

I took out money from my pocket and placed it on the counter.

After arriving I agreed to please my guy friends and let one of the strippers eat a dollar bill out of my bra. I figured it was like doing charity work and I could probably write it off in next year’s taxes.

As she approached me she was swinging her hips around and had on nothing more than a money garter belt.

“Hi…umm….how are you?” I said. “I like the color of your top…err um, your half-top?”

She looked down at me and smiled.

Ok, well…see..the thing is..I’ve never been here before..” I started to say.

“What?” she asked, leaning in closer.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB” I screamed over the music.

She smiled at me.

“So …ummm…well…when you eat the dollar bill out of umm, my bra…can you umm…can you not touch me with your boobs please?”

“What?” she asked again, leaning in closer to hear me.

“CAN YOU NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS PLEASE?” I screamed. …“Please just don’t touch me with your boobs… like when you lean over, can you keep your boobs out of the way? ..I just...well umm..I just don’t want you to touch me with anything…dirty.”

She laughed a bit, “Ok”, she said. “I promise I won’t touch you. Just lean forward.”

I moved in closer and she leaned over and ate out the dollar bill right out of my bra. It was all very skillful too, like she had done it before.

I smiled, pulling my black button down sweater up a bit.

I could hear my guy friends howling and clapping.

“Thanks..” I said. “That was ..umm..nice.”

She smiled.

She was just standing there, staring at me awkwardly for a moment.

Is this when I was supposed to talk to the stripper? Was I supposed to engage her in some sort of conversation? I don’t know all the stripper rules yet!

So I just started talking.

ME- “So I have been thinking about investing in my own money garter belt…I mean you never know when you are going to need one of those things right?’

She just stared at me.

ME-“I mean, I feel like I could use it for other things too you know, like to hold my Starbucks around my leg in the morning and what not...”

Blank stare.

ME-“You know it’s funny, I never realize how hard it is to talk to women, cause you talk to men and it’s like blah blah blah I have boobs, I win the conversation….know what I’m sayin sista!”

More blank staring.

ME-“I bought this sweater from Old Navy.”

HER-“You work in the Navy?”

ME- “Umm….yeah.”

Stripper walks away.

Monday, May 5, 2008

The Four Levels of Lady Folks

all mah crazy bitches throw ya hands up!...i dont know where the woman in the pink got her suit...but
damn it's poppin

Upon much scientific data and thorough forensic reports I have come to the conclusion that there are four types of girls in the world.

Now I know what you are going to say, “But Kim, how can you be so discriminatory towards your own gender and equate all women to being in specified and visionary entities?!”

And to that I would respond, “Poop on you.”

Now let us begin.

The first category I would like to call Level 1 . Level 1 girls are those girls who should not exist within society, but unfortunately they do. These are the girls who are ridiculously beautiful, do not know they are beautiful and are also sweet, nice and classy. Essentially, someone needs to do something about these bitches. They are bringing the rest of us down. They are those tall brunette girls on the trains holding their clueless ugly Nine West handbag, because they are too beautiful to know what is in fashion and too sweet to care regardless. These types of women find boyfriends by simply turning around the wrong way on the street and have mindless jobs and don’t worry about much more then being sweet, baking pies, getting married and being ‘unknowingly’ beautiful. Someone needs to fucking stop breeding these women, and get rid of them before I have to rat poison every one of their Cranberry Surprise drinks, Sweet Sally Jessie Rafael I'll do it I swear!

The second Category I would like to refer to as, Level B 1. This is the category wherein I will include myself. And I know what you’re thinking, “Sooo this must be the ridiculously good looking and intelligent category?” And I might be tempted to even say yes to that one. But alas, no. This is the “I think I am ridiculously good looking and intelligent category.” As one of my friends says her favorite quote of mine is, “I am one of those girls who thinks she is better looking then she is.” Now the problem with all women in this category is that they have "boyfriend’ trouble"...*cough* WHAT?! *cough* WHO?!....Yes, see us Level B 1 girls, are cute, have jobs, strive for more in life then just the usual ‘pie baking’, many of us have advanced degrees and serious non flaking lip-gloss (sephoria #10 for real bitches, try it). But that is just the problem, we “think” too much. Think about our looks. Think about our jobs , think about our relationships. And as I always say, I believe we need to start doing less “thinking” and more “uterus-ing”.

The thirds category is the non-thinking non-overly beautiful girls. I will refer to this as Level 1 C. Level 1 C is also a freewheeling lifestyle, where these ladies don’t think too much about their looks, they are cute, on-the-border-of-average-on-the-border-of-unremarkable, but in a good way. They flow in and out of social situations, making a joke here and there, tend to have good jobs that dont over-think. Average looks that they aren’t over-thinking. And tend to be pro’s in the dating arena. Mostly because they find a man who likes them and they stick with him. ..."Wait, what?! Did I just hallucinate? So you are saying Kim that some girls just find a guy…and date him? No questions asked? No over-analyzing? No diecting his Lee Jeans that he wears on Sundays?" Ahh yes, that is correct my lady friends. Some girls out there just take what comes their way. Lee jeans or no Lee jeans.

The final category I will call The Hopeless women of Level F 2. These women are in and out of jobs they can’t keep, have trouble with the men folk, and try way to damn hard at everything. These are the girls I find myself just shaking my head at when they enter the bar with some too tight jean skirt on, red lipstick and big hair. These girls are on big hot mess. And I love em for it, sweet mary Magdaline do I love these damn women! They are just hopeless, dressing like a country rock star on 80’s night in Nashville, own purses that dangle (if I have to explain that one then we need more then just 1 email) and have apartments with figurines. You have to love these women, because when it comes to life, they are just lost. It was like they got on the turkey truck to crazy town and have been applying hot pink eye shadow ever since. These women are the kind men SHOULD date, but wont. And they will marry someone named Earl and own numerous Hot Tools

and will buy a house that’s a fixer-upper with no plans of fix-en. These women are doing one thing right though…using their uterus’ a lot.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Texting Love

I truly believe this video is a clear example of the life I live. And more importantly I even own the Girl phone in that color. This video is art. And Life. And Jesus. All rolled into one.