SELFABSORBED.ME

So last night I came home to about an inch of water across my bedroom carpet and kitchen floor. Now as much as I love pools, I don’t want to live in one. The water was seemingly coming from the bottom up though, not from the ceiling down. I stood there, my feet soaking , staring at the water. How could it possibly be coming from the ground up? I am on the 2nd floor of my building, it didn’t make any logical sense. Was water rising now like heat? Was I in some sort of sci-fi thriller and soon my lights would shut off and I would become a virgin again screaming into a house phone that I don’t even own (do people actually have home phones still or did that go away with the dinosaurs?) .

So I went downstairs and explained the situation to my doorman.

Me- “There is water all on my kitchen floor and carpet.”

Him- “Your name Kim, yes?”

Me- “Um, Yes?”

Him- Shakes his head and goes and calls some maintenance guy.

I don’t know what that’s about, but continuing on…

One hour later I hear a knock at my door. I open the door and there he stands.

The maintenance guy.





He was about 6 ft 2, and built like a meatpaddy who does a lot of steroids and bathes in bronzing cream. I just stood there staring at him for a good minute. He was wearing a wife beater and shorts. As I stood there in the doorway staring at him, the Meatpaddy spoke.

Meatpaddy: "I am here to fix your pipes.”

Me: "Why yes, yes you are...”

Meatpaddy: “Should I go into your bedroom for the leak?”

Me: (still standing with the door half open) “Yes, my bedroom, that is exactly where you should go.”

Meatpaddy: “So, I guess you should probably let me inside?”

Me: “Yes...you can go inside.”

I still stand there, holding the door, until I see him staring at me. I laugh a little and open the door the rest of the way.

Meatpaddy walks right over to our central air unit, opens the door and bends down. Meanwhile I am standing behind him wishing he could bend down over and over again and how I am going to break my fucking central air everyday now, along with every other single pipe in my home.

One of my roommates emerges from her bedroom and I grab her arm and start pinching like a 12 year old gay boy who just discovered his queendom.

“The MAINTENANCE GUY is here” I say giving her big eyes. She just shakes her head at me.

Meatpaddy gets up from the floor and tells us something about the pipes or whatnot.

Meatpaddy- "So it appears as though your central air tubing has dislocated.”

Me Thinking- I wonder if he goes to the gym every day, or maybe just three times a week. I bet he could lift me with one of those arms and throw me onto some horse.

Meatpaddy - "And because it wasn’t on tightly enough the water has been dripping.”

Me Thinking- Or maybe he just goes to the gym twice a week but he has one of those ab rollers he uses at home, or the thigh master, because that Susan woman wasn’t kidding those damn things work like a mother fucker .

Meatpaddy - "So the more it dripped the more the water collected under your floor and that’s why it created a pool under your carpeting. So essentially all you have to do is just stick it back in..”

Me- “I’m sorry…what?!"

Meatpaddy - “You know stick it in..the tubing, stick it back in the hole so that it fits tightly.”

Me - "Right right... the tubing…”

Meatpaddy - “Can I see the water damage in your bedroom.”

Me - Yes, let me show you my bedroom.”

We go and stand in my bedroom together. We are just standing there. Looking at the floor.

Me- “Do you see how wet it is...it is very wet.”

Meatpaddy - “Wow, that is really wet maybe I can come in tomorrow and have someone take care of that for you.”

Me-“Yes, I need someone to take care of that.”

Meatpaddy – “How about I will come in myself tomorrow and bring a blower”

Me-”That would be perfect...a blower.”

Meatpaddy - “Ok so what time do you want me to come in and blow your rug?”

Me-“Anytime.”

Meatpaddy - "Anytime?"

Me- "Yes."

Meatpaddy - "I think I have your cell phone right here..can I call when I come in for the rug?"

Me- "You can call me about the rug anytime."

Meatpaddy - ”Ok, will do, you know, I am here just to satisfy the tenants.”

Me- “Yes, I see that.”

I feel as though after spending my weekend covered in bronzer (side note- I love that spell check doesn't' even know that the fucking word Bronzer is..get with it spell check, get fucking with it!).. I really need to repent my sins...And you all know what "repenting my sins" means...

It is time for a Jesus Post!



Praise Mary Magdalene Sweet Sally Jesse Rafael, yes, it is time to spend a short moment discussing the man of the moment, that's right. Jesus Christ. I feel like Jesus and I have many intimate conversations, mainly about important things in life such as my nephews being born or if Tasty Delight really is calorie free (Jesus is on the fence about it as well).

I’ve always wanted to have a celebrity as my best friend….like someone really cool and famous to be my best bud….a really good celebrity too…like Jesus.

I think Jesus would make an awesome best friend. And like we would do super cool things together like go shopping, I am thinking, Neiman Marcus? Although I hear he is more of a Bloomingdale's kinda guy.

For starters I would totally take him to get new sandals because I mean where did he get those ugly sandals anyways, Macy's or something? And we I would definitely take him to get him a new smock. The one he wears is put together so badly Like,what, they didn’t have sewing machines back then or something? Common.

Jesus and I could do cool best friend things too like get one of those "Best Friends Forever" necklaces.

Jesus could have the half of the heart that says "Best" and I could have the half of the heart that says "Friend".

The great thing about having a best friend like Jesus is the fact that you could get into any club you wanted. No more waiting in line at Marquee or Pink Elephant. People would be showing with friends like "Paris Hilton".. and I would be like "Ummm I am here with..JESUS CHRIST..."..And they would just let us right in.

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From: ME
To: JBOY
Date: Jun 26, 2007
8:57 AM

Attached is a picture of the girl you tried to hook up with in the club….the one in the middle...seriously JBoy…I TOLD YOU to look at her face…I told you she was not cute but you were drunk and refused to listen to me…

From: JBOY
To: ME
Date: Jun 26, 2007
9:06 AM

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!

…SHE’S NASTY!....wait from the club last weekend?

No way Kim, no way..

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From: Friend1 yaddyyaddyyaddy@yahoo.com
To: Me blahblahblah&@gmail.com
Jan 19 2008
1:05 PM

Dude, I can't stand school any more. I just can't….tell me a funny story about hooking up with a boy immediately…must get my mind off of school.

From: Me blahblahblah&@gmail.com
To: Friend1 yaddyyaddyyaddy@yahoo.com
Jan 19 2008
1:18 PM

I cannot believe you had an exam yesterday...that is horse-shit!

so went out to Smishsmorshion with my girls after work....well about three or four (or six) margaritas later and I decide it would be a GREAT idea to call Jorge...so I call him and he answers and he starts telling about how he is SO sorry he hasn't called in the past weeks and how he misses me and how I am his “universe” , and he “loves” me and blah blah blah …so I say, " Jorge! Stop talking! Sweet Jesus stop talking! I'm drunk! Get your ass over here!" (I have a way with the men-folk) ....so sure enough ten minutes later Jorge arrives. My friends find some guys with bow-ties and decide it’s time to hit the road, which is normally what I think when I see Bow-Ties as well…This leaves the two of us sitting at the bar alone...he gets up to go to the bathroom and I decide to check my phone...This is when I notice The Male Ballerina has text'd me ten times asking where I am...so I text him back I am at Shmishmorshion…he texts back "Ok, coming..on my way." ...this is when I almost vomit on the bar...I frantically text him back , "No! Don’t come! I am not there anymore, I left! I don’t even go to Shmishmorshion!"...(nice save Kimmie) .....so he texts back "Well where are you going?"...to which I don’t respond....Jorge and I stay there until 1am....I notice The Male Ballerina texting me, but again I do not respond ....At 1am I decide to go home leaving Jorge at the bar ..alone… (Heaven, here I come!)...walking home I text The Male Ballerina and he meets me halfway and comes back to my place.

...and that is how you rule the world.

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From: ME

To: JBOY
Date:Feb 2, 2008

10:04 AM

Thanks for trying to set me up with your buddy Rick for the 7th time..

From: JBOY

To: ME
Date: Feb 2, 2008

11:16 AM

Well you were gonna get lazy-eyed Joe, but now Rick it is!! He's definitely single and ready to mingle!

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Everything I need to know about men I have learned from my Nephew:

Playing street hockey in my brother’s basement with my nephew, I reached my stick out to swat at the puck in front of him. “Penalty Box!” He cried out, pointing at me.

“Penalty Box?! “ I said back, throwing my stick up in the air. “Why a penalty?! What penalty? I didn’t cause a penalty!”

“Auntie Kim...” He said slowly...” We are playing pretend…” And looked at me like the idiot I am.

An hour later, we were involved in a serious game of playdough when he asked me for the purple dough. “But I am using the purple for my grapes cause I can't use pink!” I said.

“Auntie Kim?”

“Yes?”

“You don’t play pretend very well.”

And the truth was, he was right. I don’t play pretend very well. And as my nephew was teaching me…the key to pleasing a man is always to play pretend.

Pretending you are interested in sports when you may not be… pretending you want to share food even when you don’t… pretending to be in love with someone whom you pray daily gets hit by a moving vehicle.

Funny thing is I used to play pretend so well, I could fake anything, in fact I pretended so well I actually pretended my way through two whole relationships. There should be a category for things like that at the Emmys.

“Sure I love SportsCenter.. I love it so much in fact I bet I could actually fall asleep listening to it.”

“No I don’t mind that you go to Scores on Saturdays. I think it’s great that you donate so much of your money to the local stripping women of the community who are clearly just trying to pay their way through college.”

“The waitress at your local bar has big boobs? Really? Hmm, funny I never noticed.”

In the middle of our second playdough date I reached over and grabbed one of his dough-oranges. “Mmmm this is some good fruit salad!” I said, air-munching the orange.

“Auntie Kim?"

“Yes?"

“That is just a pretend orange.”

“Damnit, I knew that.”

“Auntie...we are not allowed to swear.”

Damnit.

Being that I am ridiculously good looking as well as vastly intelligent and incredibly humble, I have come to the idea that it is inevitable the I am going to soon be married and popping out kids. Now I know what you are thinking, “but Kim, what does this have to do with you being the next supermodel of the world” and nothing except that when I become a model I will rename the ‘super model’ into the ‘uber model’..and oh wait, what? I am sorry, what were we talking about? … Oh right, so when I have kids I have decided to make a list of the first things I am going to tell my son when he is born, and being that he will be a child of mine I assume he will be speaking English, Spanish, Portuguese, punting field goals and doing math equations with square roots times infinity.. all by the age 3 months…so a little life lesson at age 1 week will not be to tough for him…hence I continue on to my life lessons for my son:

- There are no cool ‘guy sunglasses’, they do not exist, ‘tiss the way of the world, your sunglasses will either make you look like you’re going skiing or flying an airplane plane