SELFABSORBED.ME

So I get emails from readers regarding things they have seen, heard or done that reminds them of me. Normally these emails I receive consist of bad-date stories, random musings and penis enlargements… As far as the last topic goes all I have to say is; HotAss69, how DO you know me so well?

One of the emails I received last week is from an avid reader of mine out of the great country of Los Angeles. She recently had a friend visit NY and sent her this email upon return. She then forwarded the email on to me, because, like I have always said before, when you think of horrible drunken nights and sexual embarrassment, I do hope you think of ME.

Email Below:

My sister was in New York a week or so ago and met this guy at some bar. They really seemed to hit it off, he works in some health-related field and graduated from Hopkins and my sister is attending Hopkins right now for her Masters in Public Health. They talk a lot and end up meeting the next night for dinner. He of course tries to get her to come back to his place. She says no, she really has to get back to her friend's house she's staying at in Hoboken. He asks if he can take the subway with her to Hoboken? She responds by saying this makes no sense. He then says, ‘what about a cab?’ Of course this makes even less sense, but he decides to take a cab with her to Hoboken to drop her off. During the cab ride, he whips it out and says, "Just a little kiss?" My sister responds, “You think I am giving you a blow job in a cab on my way to New Jersey? I don't think so!”

My response to the email above:

First off, let me start by saying I think it is rude, embarrassing, disgusting and gross…..that your sister did not give up the goods! I mean, did he not buy your sister dinner? Did he not sit and listen to her chat on and on about things like “her education” all night? Dinner is a lot. He must get something for that right? There are rules here and expectations to abide by. Questions I need to know the answer to might be- How much was the dinner? Was there any type of wine bought at dinner? Was it bought by bottle or by glass? For every ten dollars spent I believe one item of clothing does need to be removed. It is listed in some contract somewhere. You can start with socks. And once you get in the actual cab with a boy there is no turning back, you might as well throw all your clothes off now you whore and say goodbye to those dreams of ever working as head Sister Sally at the Mormon church in Utah because you are well on your way to a life of sin… and by a “life of sin” I do mean, “an apartment in Murray Hill”.