Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I am Getting Old, I Might Die Soon

The last time I visited a well known WJ, or whore-joint as it is known to the Bible followers, I was halfway through my Corona when I looked around and thought, “Wow, I look pretty…mature…for this crowd.” Every girl in there was wearing her sorority t-shirt and daring her Delta-Gamma-UV-Ray sisters to hop on the bar with her to perform that dance routine they learned to Christina Agulera’s Diiirty. All I could think was, “You will never be able to dance in those shoes! You need good comfort shoes… with insoles like mine! And why are your jeans so tight! Those are some damn tight jeans ladies!”

When did I get old? When did this happen? It was like one day I was dancing on the bar drinking Malibu Baybreezes and the next minute I am in Aerosols shoe store going, “Do these brown sneakers come with support insoles?”
In Case you were wondering how I pick up all the men...
I turn 26 in two weeks and I have to say I have taken stock in my life, separated things that matter and don’t matter…for instance:

Things that Matter- Men that know what a UTI is and how to proceed with caution.
Things that Don’t Matter- Body Glitter.

See how I carefully sorted out the meaning in life right there? I realize in my 26 years on this planet I have learned a few things I would like to pass on to my children, or to someone else’s children like maybe some random grocery store children. Things like, how to use a counter top overhang to open a beer bottle or how to take a really good MySpace picture of yourself. And one day, one of those grocery store kids will look back and think … “Damn…that lady was hot.” And then I will know I have done my job.