Tuesday, September 23, 2008

An Open Letter to the Dude

An Open Letter to the Dude Who Yelled at the Old Lady in Rite Aid:

Dear Dude,

I could see it coming from a mile away. As I stood there, foot cream and Tampax in hand, you raced your way in front of me just to make sure you were in line to purchase your full-calorie grape soda (people still buy that shit?) and Hallmark card. There was an old lady who happened to wander over your way and suddenly it was like watching Britney at the VMAs, where you just kept hoping some serious shit was about to go down, drugs or no drugs...Federline or no Federline, white trash was about to rear its ugly head.

And she just sort of wobbled over with her brown cane and took her spot, conveniently right in front of you with her thick plastic wedge shoes. And I stood there, tapping the Tampax box against my right leg, wishing I had popcorn and fucking 3D glasses for this show. You began yelling at the 107 year old woman, that she was "cutting the line", while she tried to comprehend your screaming and spitting. The old lady probably was having fucking flashbacks to the Civil War.... as you berated her in front of four other drug store attendees.

Now granted, you did have a point, as she cut about five waiting people, but you know what, for all we know this may be her last drug store visit…ever…so why can't she go pay for her FiberOne ten minutes before the rest of us? She is about to meet Jesus in eleven minutes! And I need all the good-press I can get!

What is your hurry to pay for you items for anyway? Is there some big Grape Soda Convention you are rushing off to?

And even better was when she started to argue back with you, mentioning something about being in line first, you kept yelling at her to get to the end of the line. Wow, I have never met such a chivalrous man such as yourself. How the women behind me didn’t faint upon the briskness of your voice is beyond me. All I could think looking at your left hand was…single?! Sweet Pumpernickel and Rye that just CAN’T BE! A man of your strength? It takes a lot to yell at a 4 ft 2 woman in brown shoes, but round of applause you did it man.