Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Art of the Free Drink

Look at Jim here, he already got laid twice because of this article.

Oh the timeless art of buying a girl a drink. As ex-roommie and I sometimes joke, we can go out on the town with five dollars in our pockets and come home with twenty-five...oh wait, hmm, maybe that was a stripper joke I heard at Scores...regardless I think it still applies... It is the only advantage to being a women sometimes, besides being able to lactate, which I hear is extremely handy in providing nourishment to 'babies'... that can't be proven though, unlike my five-dollar theory, which is scientifically proven to be true.

Drink-buying, however, is also a much disputed over topic between men and women. I know plenty of men out there who actually refuse to buy a woman they don't know any drinks at a bar and will go out of their way to avoid the drink-buying game. I debated this question with a guy friend over the phone once;

“It is considered good manners to offer a girl a drink if you plan on chatting with her for the rest of the night, or if you are getting a drink for yourself,” I reasoned.

”Kim,” he said. “Buying random girls drinks is for sad, pathetic men who can’t get a girl anyway.”

“So you wouldn’t buy me a drink?”

“This is 2008 and women have have jobs now.”

“But my job doesn’t pay as much as your job does.”

“Well, then maybe you need to get a new job.”

Fuck me.

So why can’t we have jobs and get our free drinks too?

Not only is buying a woman drinks an art form, but actually avoiding the person who bought you the drink afterwards is, I believe, the true art. I tend to be polite, try and stay and chat for as long as I think the drink is worth it.. then I make some excuse about having to get back home to my sister who is recovering from a bad case of the black plague (Hey, I hear it's coming back around again).

Below is an approximation Chart of Chat which equates time needed to spend chatting - in ratio to actual drink brought.


Beer on Tap - 0 minute-Why the fuck would you chat with this poor bastard? Why don't you just suggest to him you go to the local 7-11 and grab a 40 and call it a night in his mom's basement apartment...and I hear M*A*S*H is on repeat at 12:30am.

Pabst...because it's 4am and the girl has an overbite

Bottled Beer -5 minutes- Deserves a few minutes of small chat about the Knicks or Play Station, (essentially stuff you know little about and therefore can contribute little to the overall conversation).

Mixed Drink -9 minutes- Whoa ladies, watch out, we got a high rolla here. Goldman Saks here we come. This is also the maximum amount of time allotted to scam this Wingnut into buying drinks for all of your friends.

Wine -10 minutes- Don’t ask me why he gets one more minute, not everything in the universe makes sense. Although, minus two minutes if the wine was a house Pinot Grigio.

Frozen Drink -N/A- Normal guys don't buy this shit, unless they are your boyfriend ..or own Tevas.

I don't have enough time in the universe to comment on what is wrong with Tevas