SELFABSORBED.ME

Now if you come to me and tell me you have never tried online dating before (even checking craigslist personals counts) then I only have two words for you, You Are A Liar.

We have all done it. We have all been there. Sitting bored at work, scrolling through JohhnyFierce90210, on some dating sight looking to see if he added more pictures or a possibly an education level, *note to self when left blank, assume elementary school.

The problem with most dating sites, Match included, is you have to sort through all the shit just to find one decent player among the group. This is why Match.com is like shopping at TJMaxx. Do they have some good deals? Yes. But you have to sort through racks of Will Smith track suits just to find your BCBG dress.

Now when you do stumble into the BCBG dress marked half down that trampled down three women in spandex pants for, is it great? Absolutely. But what about those days when you walk in and all you can see is broken handle bags and only left-foot shoes scattered on the floor? This is the majority of the people on Match...broken, left-shoes and Will Smith track suits.

In fact most of the people on there make me thank Sweet Mary Magdalene that I am not attached to any of those losers. But could you find a diamond in the ruff? Of course. Just make sure to not get to discouraged by the studded belts along the way.

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Little kids

I have a serious problem with little kids, the problem being, we can’t arrest them.

How come if a little kid throws bread in a supermarket no one arrests him? Why is no one arresting kids? They are disrupting society. I walked onto the subway yesterday and some kid was screaming bloody murder. I bet he would warrant at least two tickets one for public disturbance and the other for some sort of high-pitched noise violation. I bet if you handed him a ticket for 50 bucks and told him Santa wouldn’t visit until the ticket was paid in full he might learn to shut it.

I saw some bitch the other day blocking my view of the magazines in Barnes and Noble. I am guessing she was around five or six. Who did she think she was? She was causing a public disturbance though and someone needed to handcuff her and take her away. I bet if we started throwing some of these toddlers in jail they would learn real quick not to act out. I bet jail food and some hard mopping time would do these four year olds some good!

PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS

ASSAULT AND A MISDEMEANOR

NOISE VIOLATION AND PUBLIC INDECENCY

PUBLIC NUISANCE AND LOITERING IN TOY AISLE