Tuesday, August 26, 2008


So I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, two homeless men were passed out underneath my fire escape…essentially all was right with the world. I started feeling good...really good, I haven't felt this good in awhile. And I got to thinking a lot about the things I want to ‘accomplish” not just today, but in my life. And I have realized that passing outside a dumpster at Brother Jimmies, although highly notable, may not be all I have yet to do in this world.

I have heard from many friends about ‘The List’, a topic done on The Jesus’ Hour Show, also known as “The Oprah Winfry Show’. The List includes writing down everything thing it is you want out of life, and upon seeing it on paper you will then start to accomplish these wishes.

I would like to present my readers, with my version of The List. And I would like you to all do the same and send your Lists over to me…and by “send them over to me”, I mean, “Don’t fucking send them to me unless you want to clog up my fucking email box you ungrateful…” wait..what? What are we talking about? Oh yes, Jesus…Oprah…Oprah Jesus…regardless, here goes nothing.

My list will include things I want to do/accomplish/forenscificate

by the year 2010:

1. Stop harassing the guy at Tasty Delight about getting Raspberry Fudge and throwing sprinkles in his face when I’m angry.

2. Learn how to play Phantom of the Opera on a Recorder.

3. Stop professing deep hatred for every man who doesn’t want to date me/sleep with me/ marry me. (Even though they clearly should be hated on.)

4. Realize that there are some people who are funnier than me in this world.

5. Realize I never listen to the number 4.

6. Wake up every morning with a smile on my face…..because I got laid.

7. Learn how to boil water.

8. Only date men who do two things every single day: compliment me and fuck me.

9. Stop talking so much and start listening…really listening. Like actual “paying attention” kind of listening.

10. Tell my Dad how much I love him and appreciate him.

11. Tell my Mom how much I love her and thank her for giving me a great rack.

12. Stop complaining about work… and realize everyone’s work sucks.

13. Teach small children how to do the Electric Slide.

14. Teach my one year old nephew how to say, “Dirty Martini Straight Up”.

15. Realize that no matter how beautiful I am….ummm, actually, that is the end of that sentence.

16. Stop being jealous of other people’s lives…she may be a Broadway star dating my Ex Boyfriend…but after she gets pegged in the leg by Jorge’s scooter, she won’t be.

17. Get a dog.

18. Learn how to keep a dog alive.

19. Order a round of drinks for everyone sitting at the bar.

20. Go to bars where the only people sitting there are my two best friends.

21. Stop thinking about how great college was and start thinking about how great it is to not have to have sex under a blanket in a bunk bed.

22. Telephone all my Ex’s and tell them I wish them luck with their lives.

23. Start taking xanax before I make any telephone calls.

24. Become thin enough to call other thin people ‘fat’.

25. Worry less...and drink more.

26. Stop smoking simply because I am having a bad day …and start smoking because it makes me look cool.

27. Realize the past wasn’t all that great, we just only remember bits and pieces.