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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

2010

So I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, two homeless men were passed out underneath my fire escape…essentially all was right with the world. I started feeling good...really good, I haven't felt this good in awhile. And I got to thinking a lot about the things I want to ‘accomplish” not just today, but in my life. And I have realized that passing outside a dumpster at Brother Jimmies, although highly notable, may not be all I have yet to do in this world.



I have heard from many friends about ‘The List’, a topic done on The Jesus’ Hour Show, also known as “The Oprah Winfry Show’. The List includes writing down everything thing it is you want out of life, and upon seeing it on paper you will then start to accomplish these wishes.



I would like to present my readers, with my version of The List. And I would like you to all do the same and send your Lists over to me…and by “send them over to me”, I mean, “Don’t fucking send them to me unless you want to clog up my fucking email box you ungrateful…” wait..what? What are we talking about? Oh yes, Jesus…Oprah…Oprah Jesus…regardless, here goes nothing.



My list will include things I want to do/accomplish/forenscificate

by the year 2010:


1. Stop harassing the guy at Tasty Delight about getting Raspberry Fudge and throwing sprinkles in his face when I’m angry.


2. Learn how to play Phantom of the Opera on a Recorder.


3. Stop professing deep hatred for every man who doesn’t want to date me/sleep with me/ marry me. (Even though they clearly should be hated on.)


4. Realize that there are some people who are funnier than me in this world.


5. Realize I never listen to the number 4.


6. Wake up every morning with a smile on my face…..because I got laid.


7. Learn how to boil water.


8. Only date men who do two things every single day: compliment me and fuck me.


9. Stop talking so much and start listening…really listening. Like actual “paying attention” kind of listening.


10. Tell my Dad how much I love him and appreciate him.


11. Tell my Mom how much I love her and thank her for giving me a great rack.


12. Stop complaining about work… and realize everyone’s work sucks.


13. Teach small children how to do the Electric Slide.


14. Teach my one year old nephew how to say, “Dirty Martini Straight Up”.


15. Realize that no matter how beautiful I am….ummm, actually, that is the end of that sentence.


16. Stop being jealous of other people’s lives…she may be a Broadway star dating my Ex Boyfriend…but after she gets pegged in the leg by Jorge’s scooter, she won’t be.


17. Get a dog.


18. Learn how to keep a dog alive.


19. Order a round of drinks for everyone sitting at the bar.


20. Go to bars where the only people sitting there are my two best friends.


21. Stop thinking about how great college was and start thinking about how great it is to not have to have sex under a blanket in a bunk bed.


22. Telephone all my Ex’s and tell them I wish them luck with their lives.


23. Start taking xanax before I make any telephone calls.


24. Become thin enough to call other thin people ‘fat’.


25. Worry less...and drink more.


26. Stop smoking simply because I am having a bad day …and start smoking because it makes me look cool.


27. Realize the past wasn’t all that great, we just only remember bits and pieces.

23 Cizz-omments:

Ladybug said...

WOW...this was truly beautiful...I need to follow a few of these myself.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Is it wrong if I want to know more about #11? And if you ask do I want to know more about X or Y, then the answer is YES.

Kat said...

I actually feel very strongly for #26. Listen Kim, all the cool kids are doing it!

Anonymous said...

Wow..... all I got is wow.

StunnedintheCity said...

Holy shit. I will recklessly, wholeheartedly thrown myself on this bandwagon of comments and say you are a true inspiration.

I would make a list myself, but I'd rather just pick and choose elements from yours. For instance, I'll take no. 21, 24, 27, 2, definitely 2. 13--add macarena to that, and the soulja boy dance...that took me a while to learn; can't let it go to waste.

Anyways, point is, reading this list is as inspiring as Hillary Clinton's DNC speech tonight. And you didn't even have to wear a pantsuit.

StunnedintheCity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sid said...

Absolutely frigging love your list. There's no way I could write a better one so I'll simply steal yours.

modelbehavior said...

Kim- this was moving. I teared up at the electric slide part. OK, I didn't really. But I was really feeling you when you started talking about xanax. That shit is great.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Cool list, but it's all for naught. By 2010 Oprah will have the microchips implanted in all of us and individuality will be a thing of the past. You know it's true.

Lioux said...

My mom gave me a great rack too. I keep all of my CDs organized in it.

Kat said...

Lioux- that was priceless. I need a great rack. Preferably in stained wood.

ZenDenizen said...

I'm just very excited that your blog finally shows up in google reader for me.

surviving myself said...

I'm funnier than you.

I challenge you to a funny off!

Knock Knock jokes for the first ten minutes, then after that witty comments that may or may not be sarcastic.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ lady- dont we all!

@joc- you will have to just use your imagination on that one..

@Kat- yes, yes they are!

@anon- well if that is all you have to say....

@stunned- you are so right! I totally forgot about the other dances, and how could i not teach small children how to 'superman that ho!'

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ sid- my list is your list.

@model- funny, the xanax part always affects me too..

@cunning- Oprah needs to keep her chips outta my head..and arent we supposed to have spaceship by then too??

@lio- you are too much, you crack me up.

@ zen- ohh thanks for the notice on that actually!

@ surv- IT'S ON. YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN AND WHERE AND WHAT KNOCK KNOCK JOKES ARE OFF LIMITS!

BNY said...

LOL

FYI: I don't type LOL unless I am really LOLing.

Anonymous said...

hahaha kim <3 you too ;)

T.P. said...

Did you write # 4 with me in mind??

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@bny- thank goodness..and I dont type TTYL unless I really do want to talk to you later... :)

@anon- not surprising that anonymous unknown people love me i guess..

@TP- No #6 is for you

Subway Gal said...

Great list. But, I have an issue with #22. The first part sounded good - "Telephone all my exes and tell them. . " and I was expecting it to finish with "to f*ck themselves because I'm much awesomer (yea, I know that's not a word but it should be) without them." Exes are exes for a reason and I don't think they actually deserve to have any luck in their lives b/c the luckiest part of their lives was that we were in it and now we are not.

MsPuddin said...

awesome.just fucking awesome.

BNY said...

FYI

http://becoming-a-new-yorker.blogspot.com/2008/08/eight-2008-nyc-blogs.html

LisaBinDaCity said...

Awesome list!

Dunno, cookie, I personally think any guy who doesn't love you madly deserves to be kicked to the curb immediately ;-)