Thursday, April 24, 2008

Someone Please Explain To Me What Is Going On In The World

So this past weekend was so complex it has taken me a few days to digest it all, and not just the whole, tricky-007-shitting part. Although I will address that since I know you are all curious.

Let me first start by easing your minds and saying that I feel sorry for whomever had to clean the bathrooms at the CheeseCake Factory, because essentially that is where two days worth of shitting went down. Well of course, I emerged from the bathroom doing the whole , “My mom called” line, so I was "distracted by the call" yaddy yaddy ya. I don’t even remember what I said, I think it may partly have been in English, and the other part in Zimbabwean, but all I know is I got to shit and it didn’t have to be at his house and that is all that matters to me and Jesus.

Continuing on.

Now in the history of men, I have been thrown a lot of things... things like , “I have to move out to LA for my acting career” (lie) …“My ex girlfriend and I are getting back together” (lie) … “Kim you are just too beautiful and looking directly into your eyes blinds me” (truth) …

But this weekend I think I have officially heard it all.

So the first night, when the movie finally ended, I did what any normal chick from the Northeast would do…I jumped him. Didn’t really give him a choice in the matter, because frankly, who needs choices and opinions? Certainly not the men I date, that is for sure.

Now let us skip ahead to what some may call “Day 2” …or as I like to refer to it, “The Day the World Imploded”.

Let me set the scene:

Laying there. On the bed. He is watching Law and Order. I am switching positions with my legs figuring out in which position do they look the tannest.

So then of course, after about 4 or 5 minutes of nothing, I decide to become Kim the Rapest again and go after him. So I turn over to kiss him….and he stop me. Just stops. Just like that. Like the, “Hold the train Mr. Conductor The Penis Express is making a stop!”

Looks at me and says, “Don’t you feel…you know…guilty about last night?”

Me (looking confused) “Guilty? Umm no…I could find another adjective…like satisfied perhaps?”
Him (looking strained) “No, I mean, because we are not boyfriend/girlfriend…I just think that…..”


Him: “I just think people should only sleep together if they are in a committed relationship.”

Outside-World implodes. Children scream. The heavens burst.

Me: “I’m sorry, what? I think I just hallucinated…what did you say?”

Him: “ I just don’t think its right for us to be sleeping together if we aren’t in a committed relationship yet.”

(Scene ends. Fades to black)

Kim sleeps alone that night.

Can someone explain to me what’s going on? Because now I am questioning the world, the universe, every single disciple…what in the name of tomfoolery just happened here??

Before you respond though I will give you two details of backstory, he is southern and in a military branch. Does this change things? Does this make me less of a whore? Does this make me more of a whore? Does this mean we really do know how much wood a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?