Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Drinking Problems

Back, during the age of Yore, or Yoni, or Yoda, or something with a Y, I lived in a quaint 2 bedroom over on 80th Street. And by "quaint", I do mean, "really goddamn small" and by "really goddamn small" I do mean "confinement rooms in Armenian prisons were bigger." And even though the building had a no-pet zone, people were free to walk their roaches and mice daily and have them come over to our apartment for play dates and to learn pet tricks...I'm sorry, wait what? Those weren't play dates? No? Those were actual untamed mice and roaches living in our kitchen? But how did they know all those hula hoop tricks?...

Look at this little bitch, what is she doing
and more to the point what is
she wearing, seriously someone should tell her that her
shoes are so last season.

...I digress... I realized that living in the small space that is New York City it is very important you pick up one characteristic that will help you get through the good times, the bad times, the times when you think you have no hope left at all.... Alcoholism.

Thus began what some people call, -'The Summer of '04' I like to call the- "What? There was Summer? When Did I miss that? Was I Seeping? Can Someone Turn Off the Damn Heat, Summer'

During this summer I learned many important things in life. For starters- the bush outside my doorstop was a lovely place to "take a nap"when you couldn't walk up the stairs after the bars and just "needed 5 minutes, just 5 minutes to rest... just let me sleep in this bush for 5 more minutes officer!"... I also learned during this time, that a cinnamon raisin with butter from H&H Bagels on 81st street tastes magically good at 4am. It is like they put fairy stardust in it and you want to scream from the rooftops, "Who created such magically good tasting cinnamon raisin deliciousness?!'....Until of course the workers at H&H ask you to step off your metal chair and stop screaming to the bush outside...But again, I digress.... I discovered that summer that you officially know you have a drinking problem when everything in your new apartment is analyzed according to how drunk you will have to be to break it.

Thats how they serve you bagels at 4am...with cinnamon
sticks next to them and a jam jar made by Martha Stewart herself

My roommate and I went through our place room by room. By the first week we had come to the conclusion that:

#1-Painting on wall was too close to fridge...when drunk, will knock into painting

#2- Must put fish netting under balcony, will fall off it when drunk

#3- Steps to bedroom must be carpeted, or will slip when drunk and fall on back (and by "will" I do mean "have, done, taken care of")

#4- Wheels on bed frame must be taken off, otherwise will roll bed down street for amusement when drunk