I don’t know if many of you 'basic humans’ out there know about my serious psychic ability. There have been times that my ESP has come out of nowhere…like yesterday when I had this odd craving for peanut butter and I opened the cabinet and sure enough my roommate had bought a jar of peanut butter. Or there was the even freakier time when I had a feeling my ex boyfriend was about to dump me and just moments later police were pulling me from outside of his bushes telling me how I should have “read” the restraining order a little more closely.
But today I am going to bless you all with my psychic abilities and do all of your horoscopes, because that is the kind of fucking generous person that I am …
HOROSCOPES FOR THE
WEEK OF APRIL 1, 2008
That is actually me..it's a photograph...my armpits are pretty hairy
Aries March 21 - April 19
You have serious promise this week to eat. And not to just eat, but to eat actual food. To put it in your mouth and taste it. And then swallow it. And then to take a huge shit.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The moon and the stars align themselves and you will find yourself laughing and laughing…until you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “What the fuck are YOU laughing at?” and realize that maybe it’s time to stop snorting your percoets.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Some say that you have complete control over your own destiny..This week you will have complete control over the Duane Reade Photobooth attendant...named Destiny.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A lover will test your limits this week…and you will find that maybe dressing up as Dorothy Mantooth bent over a metal table chair isn’t as difficult as originally thought.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week when people tell you to feel the warmth in your heart....let them feel the warmth in you right palm and punch them in the fucking face.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You feel that big changes are in store for you..... I see sock changes, underwear changes and even pant changes.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Some people have a way with the opposite sex…you have a way with cage animals and low-grade lighting.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This week you will find yourself completely submerged…it will be hot water pouring all over you and some people might call it a “shower”.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Always remember two thorns in a bush is like a stone in hand and a stone …wait…what? What the fuck does that mean?
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will find yourself in silent reflection…in the mirror taking new MySpace pictures of yourself because you’re such a douche.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Some people tell you this week they will help you get through tough times…ask them where they were last week during your four-day constipation.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The moon aligns with the earth this week to provide you with two important things…"daytime”..and “nighttime”.