Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tall Girls Get Outta Mah Way Bitches!...I Can't See The Bar

I have a problem. A problem that follows me everywhere I go. To subways and malls, bars and movie theaters. It’s called, ‘Tall Girl’. Now I am not sure how she does it exactly, like some sort of friggin David Copperfield in heels, but Tall Girl always knows my whereabouts. She insists on standing next to me everywhere, I look over my shoulder at the bars and of course there is Tall Girl... I turn to my left on the Subway and there she is again... Damnit Tall Girl, stay away from me! You’re friggin makin me look bad!

I would be able wear some flats and revel in shoes that don’t cause me to walk around looking like a drunk rabbit if it wasn’t for Tall Girl. For the love of SWEET JESUS Tall Girl, why do you make me feel so incomplete? Why do you insist on standing next to me making me look like a 12 year old who just figured out how to button her training bra? Or worse yet when you wear your heels why do I get to look like a midget about to be rejected from the Duck Tales Roller Coaster Ride at Six Flags?

Can’t you all migrate somewhere else? Can’t they just put you all on some Tall Girl island where the banana trees hang higher or something? Somewhere I wont have to try and fight you off of me when I am ordering a drink, or push past your limbs just so I can see if I am in the right line for the bathroom. I dream of a world where I don’t have to hem five feet of material off the bottom of my jeans, or can run up the subway stairs without getting pummeled in the face by a Tall Girl’s gym bag.

But we all have dreams.

To dream the impossible dream.

So here is the story of how I was almost hit by a bus. It’s a pretty exciting story if I must say so myself.

The story begins, I was leaving a bar one night. I walked into the middle of the street.

And a bus almost hit me.

No joke, it skimmed the side of my face. And almost hit me.

Now the best part about this entire story is how often my friends like to retell it.

It always starts off the same:

Some Asshole Friend- “Hey, do you guys remember when Kim almost got hit by a bus?”

Me- “Umm, can we not tell this story again?”

And there is always at least one douche in the group who hasn’t heard the story yet and insists on hearing it. And conversation will always inevitably start and end in the Exact. Same. Fashion.

“Wait, what happened?!”

“She walked out in the street…and a bus almost hit her.”

“Oh . Wow. (long pause) So ..should we get lunch at the falafel place or the place with the smelly olives?”

mmmm, smelly balls

Because I have become convinced over time that Jon LaJoie and I should get married and I believe we should start a ‘NYCPonderings Chick + Jon LaJoie = Marriage' petition. …although I don’t think I enjoy his last name so much and I would not want to take it over if/when married. However, maybe we could also petition him to change it to something cooler like ‘Balboa’…or ‘Schwarzenegger’ or … maybe just '"ShmaShmortzenegger".

Jon LaJoie "Sunday Afternoon"