Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tall Girls Get Outta Mah Way Bitches!...I Can't See The Bar

I have a problem. A problem that follows me everywhere I go. To subways and malls, bars and movie theaters. It’s called, ‘Tall Girl’. Now I am not sure how she does it exactly, like some sort of friggin David Copperfield in heels, but Tall Girl always knows my whereabouts. She insists on standing next to me everywhere, I look over my shoulder at the bars and of course there is Tall Girl... I turn to my left on the Subway and there she is again... Damnit Tall Girl, stay away from me! You’re friggin makin me look bad!

I would be able wear some flats and revel in shoes that don’t cause me to walk around looking like a drunk rabbit if it wasn’t for Tall Girl. For the love of SWEET JESUS Tall Girl, why do you make me feel so incomplete? Why do you insist on standing next to me making me look like a 12 year old who just figured out how to button her training bra? Or worse yet when you wear your heels why do I get to look like a midget about to be rejected from the Duck Tales Roller Coaster Ride at Six Flags?

Can’t you all migrate somewhere else? Can’t they just put you all on some Tall Girl island where the banana trees hang higher or something? Somewhere I wont have to try and fight you off of me when I am ordering a drink, or push past your limbs just so I can see if I am in the right line for the bathroom. I dream of a world where I don’t have to hem five feet of material off the bottom of my jeans, or can run up the subway stairs without getting pummeled in the face by a Tall Girl’s gym bag.

But we all have dreams.

To dream the impossible dream.

So here is the story of how I was almost hit by a bus. It’s a pretty exciting story if I must say so myself.

The story begins, I was leaving a bar one night. I walked into the middle of the street.

And a bus almost hit me.

No joke, it skimmed the side of my face. And almost hit me.

Now the best part about this entire story is how often my friends like to retell it.

It always starts off the same:

Some Asshole Friend- “Hey, do you guys remember when Kim almost got hit by a bus?”

Me- “Umm, can we not tell this story again?”

And there is always at least one douche in the group who hasn’t heard the story yet and insists on hearing it. And conversation will always inevitably start and end in the Exact. Same. Fashion.

“Wait, what happened?!”

“She walked out in the street…and a bus almost hit her.”

“Oh . Wow. (long pause) So ..should we get lunch at the falafel place or the place with the smelly olives?”

mmmm, smelly balls

Because I have become convinced over time that Jon LaJoie and I should get married and I believe we should start a ‘NYCPonderings Chick + Jon LaJoie = Marriage' petition. …although I don’t think I enjoy his last name so much and I would not want to take it over if/when married. However, maybe we could also petition him to change it to something cooler like ‘Balboa’…or ‘Schwarzenegger’ or … maybe just '"ShmaShmortzenegger".

Jon LaJoie "Sunday Afternoon"

17 Cizz-omments:

Jay said...

I fully support the Jon and Kim marriage petition and maybe know a priest for you!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

HA YES! and I will be the second signature on that list Jay!

Anonymous said...

I think guys are way more intimidated by tall girls then short girls are...its way worse for a short guy to be standing next to a tall girl in a bar

Quarterlifegirl said...

Hahaha, I am one of those tall girls and let me tell make me feel like a Amazon beast! Why do you have to look so tiny and dainty while I look like a huge freakish monster, hehehe! Love the post~!

LisaBinDaCity said...

Um, tall girl here as well, (5'7) Consider me your worst nightmare when I sit in front of you at the movies ;-)

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I'm with Anon....tall chicks sorta skeeve me out. Anyone taller than 5'6" doesn't even get a second look.

That video would have been better if the dog walker was wearing anything but a Montreal jersey.

modelbehavior said...

Think about all the men you can find that are taller than you! On the plus side, your dating pool is much larger :)

The Brooklyn Boy said...

mmm ... falafel.

I'm such a Jew. Ha.

ZenDenizen said...

5'0 here. I'd probably look good in my skinny jeans and flats if Tall Girls everywhere didn't ruin it for me, too.

MsPuddin said...

crackin up at the title! b*tch how am I supposed to get a drink with your ass hoverin over me!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@anon- this is true, i feel for short guys!

@quart- ahh glad to klnow your one of the women that make me look like a midget, thank you for that! and no, small and dainty was in the 1950's i think!

@lisa- YES you would be, I would be pushing you outta my way!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@joc- ahhh see that kind of information makes me feel so much better!

@model- this is true...really short meathead dudes think they have scored the lottery though with us short girls

@brook-hahaha that was priceless

@zen- ahhh flats, i may never get to use them :(

sid said...

Tall girl here. So what happens when my mom, aunt or some other family member has to reach for a bowl on top of a cupboard? Climb a top a chair? No that would be too easy. Simply call Sid to reach for the much needed bowls.

Anonymous said...

I think all people over 5'10" should be sent someplace else, maybe Canada. I can never see anyone in a crowd except the back of the sasquatch who has plopped him or her self down next to me.

And I have to order pants on-line to find some short enough for my stubby legs. Fucking heightists!

Heather said...

I feel ya. If I go out to see a band, it doesn't matter where I stand...Tall Dude will find me and position himself directly fucking in front of me. I don't really have that much trouble with Tall Girl, but I do have frequent run-ins with her friend, Drunk Girl Who Likes To Swing Her Hair Into My Face/Beer.

So@24 said...

Tall Girls. Welcome to my fucking life.

Devin said...

Oh Kim,
If The Dev can give you one piece of information, it's that men despise Tall Girl almost as much. Men, as I'm sure you realize, are inherently lazy. Tall girl is a mountain. Short women are like a hill.

Now if I told you there was a million dollars at the top of a mountain and a million dollars at the top of a hill, which one would you climb?

So see, in fact, you are actually much better off. The only way to make men want to climb a taller girl is to be ridiculously hotter than the much easier to climb and aforementioned hill.

However, I do feel bad for you about the short dudes. My buddy is 5'6 (but he does bench 285 as he'll tell you (and anyone else) who asks.) And in fact, he does hit on every short girl b/c they're in his dating pool. Any tall chicks he reserves the following line for: "If I was 6'8, I'd fucks wit it."

I should have just written a post here, but yeah. Go read my newest post, and give me more links. I want comments like yours has... (I'm a glorified egomaniac).