Monday, August 27, 2007

Working Out 101

I have discovered over many years of soul searching that even though I spend 5 days a week, one hour a day in the realm of elliptical heaven, I actually don’t like working out. Actually I don’t like working out at all.

Actually I like working out about as much as I like falling spread eagle onto a balance beam.
There are the things I don’t like about the gym:

You sweat, and sweating is gross. Sweating is like water that drops from your body. Gross. Sweating also ruins my bronzer…that’s really uncool.

Trainers like to use made-up terms to confuse you. Terms like “cardiovascular”, “fitness” and “aerobic activity” .... Well that whack slang isn’t fooling me. Let’s call training what it really is…making me look like an asshole.

I won’t use machines that make me look stupid at the gym. The only reason I workout is to look cool. Looking cool in the gym is important, so anything that involves silly motions like, “running” or "walking”, I wont do.

It is hard to find cute workout clothes, mostly because they are made out of Satan's material, otherwise known as "cotton". And worst yet, you can’t wear heels. How am I supposed to look good in cotton and flats? What am doing here in this outfit? Curing diabetes in a village or something?

Angry Man

When it comes to picking up girls in a bar, there are many ways a man can go about it. Persistence…flattery…roofies…. But no way more brilliant than the angry man tactic. I have come across many ‘angry men’ in my day and let me tell you, there is nothing that says ‘take me home and bed me tiger’ than a man yelling at me over a beer. Whoa, yell at me some more you manly animal and get my engines running.

The angry man has a few key characteristics to watch out for…primary he is.. angry. This is why scientists and intellects like myself refer to him as “angry man”. It is a very scientific term and has profound roots in Latin I believe…or something similar.

The angry man posses this trait called, “being a douchbag”. And he tries to use this ‘douchbag’ trait as a way to pick up women. Dear good sir can I have a douchbag of my very own? One day when I grow up and become a lady, I want an asshole to come yell at me in a bar! Oh pretty please can I have a douchbag of my very own for my birthday? Can Jesus send one to me in a Fed-Ex pouch from Heaven?

- The angry man will pick a fight with you at the bar so that you pay him some attention. The angry man says to himself, “How can I make this lovely girl turn around and notice me? …I know, how about I turn around and punch her in the fucking face”…

- Angry man loves to yell at you for not noticing him. How dare you not notice angry man in the corner waiting to yell at you for not noticing him?! Can’t you see? He has everything you want?! He is angry! Women don’t dream about men on white horses, no, they dream about waiting to be cornholed in the face.

- Angry man loves to approach you and insult you upon first approach. What a clever little man angry man is, how did he KNOW women love to be insulted! There is no better way to make me want you then by a clear well-executed insult…make fun of the way I talk? Well just take me home tonight lover! Insult a hot girl and she will think to herself, “Who is this angry man insulting me, Hot Girl, he must be brave warrior, I must take him home now back to my layer."

- Angry man will get angry when you do not want to fight back with him, also know as ‘engaging in conversation with him’. He wants to make sure you know one thing, he is angry.
This is why I raise my glass and toast to you angry man. For getting more drinks thrown in your face than a leprechaun at an anti-midget parade.

I toast to you for being the biggest A-hole at the bar and knowing it! You have discovered the secret to picking up women, now you will have to excuse me I believe I got a very large package from Jesus sitting in my mailbox right now.

Angry Man:
A Picture Summary:

Ohh is he yelling? He looks like a bowl of fun...did he steal that haircut from Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince? this guy isn't even that angry but I just posted it anyway...mostly because it makes me laugh ...and yet makes Jesus cry all at the same time...