Friday, January 25, 2008

Single Grocery Girl

Dear Single Grocery Girl,

I can see your items. Laid out flat like a dope carrying American at the Mexican border. Why I ask, single grocery girl, do you stand in front of me with oh so many yogurts? So many nonfat yogurts I think you could drown in a dairy filled scuba tank. And why so many Smart Ones? Not that I don’t enjoy a Smart One every now and then when I am craving preservatives in a frozen form, but could you try and appear less single perhaps? Maybe buy a pack of beer and some condoms just for my sake? Because as I stand behind you in line, waiting to buy my Vodka and Star Magazine, I know you see me. And I am doing exactly what you think I am doing my Dear.
Judging you.

Of course I am judging you! Good God and sweet Jesus Eleanor what else would I be doing?! Thinking nice thoughts? Oh no no no. Of course I am thinking bad things about you sister Mary Kary let’s not live in lollypop and cotton candy world!

Single Grocery Girl, I wonder, how many rice cakes and single serving cracker packets can fit in that pantry of yours? How many ‘Lonely Girl’ frozen dinners can possible fit in that freezer? And most importantly, how many tissues can fit in your wallowing hole of despair? Ah but alas as single girl approaches to pay with her Ocean pictured MasterCard, I think, I hope actually, that she has important things in her life to keep her going…things like a loving family… good friends…. the new season of The Hills on DVD...

So until we meet again, I raise a Lean Cuisine to you Single Grocery Girl, in hopes that one day your cart is filled with chips and other shit food and beer… as I will know then, you will have finally found love!