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Friday, January 25, 2008

Single Grocery Girl



Dear Single Grocery Girl,

I can see your items. Laid out flat like a dope carrying American at the Mexican border. Why I ask, single grocery girl, do you stand in front of me with oh so many yogurts? So many nonfat yogurts I think you could drown in a dairy filled scuba tank. And why so many Smart Ones? Not that I don’t enjoy a Smart One every now and then when I am craving preservatives in a frozen form, but could you try and appear less single perhaps? Maybe buy a pack of beer and some condoms just for my sake? Because as I stand behind you in line, waiting to buy my Vodka and Star Magazine, I know you see me. And I am doing exactly what you think I am doing my Dear.
Yes.
Judging you.

Of course I am judging you! Good God and sweet Jesus Eleanor what else would I be doing?! Thinking nice thoughts? Oh no no no. Of course I am thinking bad things about you sister Mary Kary let’s not live in lollypop and cotton candy world!

Single Grocery Girl, I wonder, how many rice cakes and single serving cracker packets can fit in that pantry of yours? How many ‘Lonely Girl’ frozen dinners can possible fit in that freezer? And most importantly, how many tissues can fit in your wallowing hole of despair? Ah but alas as single girl approaches to pay with her Ocean pictured MasterCard, I think, I hope actually, that she has important things in her life to keep her going…things like a loving family… good friends…. the new season of The Hills on DVD...

So until we meet again, I raise a Lean Cuisine to you Single Grocery Girl, in hopes that one day your cart is filled with chips and other shit food and beer… as I will know then, you will have finally found love!

18 Cizz-omments:

Anonymous said...

hahah god bless those girls everywhere!

Jocular Schlemiel said...

This should be one of those "Real American Heroes" by Bud Light.

Today we salute you, Ms. Single Grocery Girl

JanelleGrace said...

Heres hoping that Single Grocery Girl finds love someday and gets to buy some of that crappy food that fills my own kitchen.

Jay said...

I cant believe SGG doesnt get those roasted chickens, for one...whole foods has a whole single person section

The Brooklyn Boy said...

SGG needs to get on that cooking class ...

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Joc- YES can they do that, can i call the company??
@Jan-awww your kitchen must be a kitchen full of love and boys

Frankly, Scarlett said...

This is FABULOUS - and also sad because....that's soooo me. Really. Ugh.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Jay-whole foods IS great singles market!

@brook- yes, maybe all the lonely women can teach each other cooking classes on how to prepare 1 person meals...i would even take that class

@Scar-awww no worries, one day you will long for the day when only nofat yog ruled the fridge..so i guess enjoy it now

The Brooklyn Boy said...

I would totally crash to hit on all of you. Because I'm classy like that.

Also, are you coming to HH tonight? (Grassroots on St. Mark's)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Brook- I am going to say this in the most humble way i possibly can...im going to west palm beach tonight ....ummm boo yaaaa haha...but next time around i will be sure to make it!

Ha Ha Sound said...

That's hilarious. I'm like the single male version of this. Every time I get into the checkout line with four boxes of cereal and nothing else, I always think that the women behind me are checking me out.

modelbehavior said...

You make me feel so much better about the fact that I judge everyone around me as if I were on salary. Thanks for that.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ HAHA- hmm that's a thought...maybe i should do the male version...you would have to help me out with that one though
@MODEL- yes, judging people should be a sport...ever seen the hipster olympics? part of the sport is to judge people..nice

BNY said...

Baaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!

*sigh*

I am totally Single Grocery Girl, but the non-organic organic version (because real organic is too costly to still maintain my outrageous Manhattan rent). Terrence says I stock my kitchen with rabbit food (lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, etc).

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@BNY- nonorganic organic huh? lol i hate when the organic organic ones cost so much!

Anonymous said...

at least single grocery girl gets a good source of calcium

MsPuddin said...

First of all back up out of my cart. Did anyone ask you? NO! But wait, the smart ones are too much? Should I stock up on frozen meat?

Todd said...

That reminds my of a classic joke:

A young woman shopping at the grocery store goes to the express lane with the following items:

1 pack of single-serving canned tuna
1 box of instant soup mix
1 small jar of spaghetti sauce
1 frozen dinner

The young man at the register scans each of the items and says to the young lady, “Well, I guess you’re single, aren’t you?”

With a blush and a smile, she rolls her eyes wistfully and says, “Gee, how could you tell?”

“Because you’re ugly.”