Sunday, March 9, 2008

Free Water and Dating Advice from The Dev

mmmm, now this looks satisfying

When did the restaurant business decide to give me the option of clean water? Now in every restaurant across the 11 continents clean water is available everywhere! You can now order bottled, purified water to drink. I don’t want to drink clean water, in fact I don’t even want the option of clean water. Where is the tap water? That’s what I want. I want the tap water, maybe some water from an outside puddle? Maybe even a collection of water growing in a nearby mud pond?

The waitress always looks so smug when she asks you, “Would you like BOTTLED water..?”
and I normally reply , “No, actually I would like the outside rain water if you can go collect some for me. Is that the water that is free? I like free water. It tastes so much better. So if the only free water you have is from the toilet seat or bathroom faucet they rowdy it on up and bring it out here! Mmm toilet water, is it free? If it’s free it tastes good to me!”

I asked Hose Jose who works at a Mexican restaurant on 4th Street what the deal was about serving bottled water, he replied, "Me no speako enlisho.” Which just proves, if
you question the conspiracy no one will give you a straight answer.

Damn Hose can you please not do that when your trying to give an interview?

Why do people complain about getting served fresh water? We used to be apes scratching
the dirt to eat bugs and hunting down dinosaurs, or at least that’s what my grandma
tells me. Either way we consumed prehistoric bird poop covered in mucus and called that
bottled water. Ok, well maybe we didn’t call it bottled water, maybe we didn’t have words
then, maybe we just made a load moan that sounded some like the word water, but either
way, we were fine now right. We survived. And look at us now. Asking for bottled water in a
restaurant! Who do we think we are?! Brad Pitt?! No, Brad Pitt we are not, and I bet
you even Brad Pitt drinks the occasional tap water in a restaurant, I mean his tap water
is probably laced in gold and came from diamond cooler in the back of a Ferrari, but
hey, that’s just Brad.

So the next time the waiter says,” Bottled water. or tap water” ask for the dirty free water please, cause if there is one thing you have an appendix for, to clean out the water in your system for you.


So in googling 'Dating' the other day (and by 'googling dating' I do mean 'googling porn')..I came across a very lovely man by the name of Devin. Now to start I assume most guys named 'Devin' wear yellow Lacoste , have blond hair and beat up kids who didn't own the right 'denim jackets' in movies like Mystic Pizza circa '82...but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well as it turns out Devin is a senior at San Diego State University, so in essence the past four years he has probably seen more ass then most prison mates. Devin gives advice below on not hooking up with someone you want to see more then once...umm yeah Devin, that's why you have to steal his wallet and keep it at your he HAS to return back again for a second date...

DATING WITH DEVIN: A few steps to remember

Devin Kunysz, Editorial Adviser

Issue date: 3/10/08 Section: Dating & Romance

It's strange, but dating is one of the few games that are less satisfying after you win. A victory in dating is the moment you know someone's hooked. It's the night you realize that you could show up for your next date drunk in your boxers and she'd happily pull you inside and cook you dinner.

Don't give it up
Sex is one of the few activities that you're less excited about once you finish. No one finishes building a fence and decides they're tired of the fence. People don't win a hand of poker and decide they don't want to see that deck of cards for at least a week. But in the one game that we spend the most effort playing, victory is boring. The best part of any hookup is the prelude, the mental anguish of "will this be the night?" Once the answer is yes, guys start to worry about losing their grazing rights. I have one friend who could teach courses on how to be a player. There hasn't been a night we've hung out that he hasn't left the bar with a phone number - or, more typically, a woman. The one girl he's hooked up with who I've seen again is the one who wouldn't let him get more than a kiss. The simple rule is this: If you want a second date, don't let me round second.

And it only gets better at: