SELFABSORBED.ME

mmmm, now this looks satisfying

When did the restaurant business decide to give me the option of clean water? Now in every restaurant across the 11 continents clean water is available everywhere! You can now order bottled, purified water to drink. I don’t want to drink clean water, in fact I don’t even want the option of clean water. Where is the tap water? That’s what I want. I want the tap water, maybe some water from an outside puddle? Maybe even a collection of water growing in a nearby mud pond?

The waitress always looks so smug when she asks you, “Would you like BOTTLED water..?”
and I normally reply , “No, actually I would like the outside rain water if you can go collect some for me. Is that the water that is free? I like free water. It tastes so much better. So if the only free water you have is from the toilet seat or bathroom faucet they rowdy it on up and bring it out here! Mmm toilet water, is it free? If it’s free it tastes good to me!”

you question the conspiracy no one will give you a straight answer.


Why do people complain about getting served fresh water? We used to be apes scratching
the dirt to eat bugs and hunting down dinosaurs, or at least that’s what my grandma
tells me. Either way we consumed prehistoric bird poop covered in mucus and called that
bottled water. Ok, well maybe we didn’t call it bottled water, maybe we didn’t have words

DATING WITH DEVIN: A few steps to remember

Devin Kunysz, Editorial Adviser

It's strange, but dating is one of the few games that are less satisfying after you win. A victory in dating is the moment you know someone's hooked. It's the night you realize that you could show up for your next date drunk in your boxers and she'd happily pull you inside and cook you dinner.

Don't give it up Sex is one of the few activities that you're less excited about once you finish. No one finishes building a fence and decides they're tired of the fence. People don't win a hand of poker and decide they don't want to see that deck of cards for at least a week. But in the one game that we spend the most effort playing, victory is boring. The best part of any hookup is the prelude, the mental anguish of "will this be the night?" Once the answer is yes, guys start to worry about losing their grazing rights. I have one friend who could teach courses on how to be a player. There hasn't been a night we've hung out that he hasn't left the bar with a phone number - or, more typically, a woman. The one girl he's hooked up with who I've seen again is the one who wouldn't let him get more than a kiss. The simple rule is this: If you want a second date, don't let me round second.

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