Sunday, March 9, 2008

Free Water and Dating Advice from The Dev

mmmm, now this looks satisfying

When did the restaurant business decide to give me the option of clean water? Now in every restaurant across the 11 continents clean water is available everywhere! You can now order bottled, purified water to drink. I don’t want to drink clean water, in fact I don’t even want the option of clean water. Where is the tap water? That’s what I want. I want the tap water, maybe some water from an outside puddle? Maybe even a collection of water growing in a nearby mud pond?

The waitress always looks so smug when she asks you, “Would you like BOTTLED water..?”
and I normally reply , “No, actually I would like the outside rain water if you can go collect some for me. Is that the water that is free? I like free water. It tastes so much better. So if the only free water you have is from the toilet seat or bathroom faucet they rowdy it on up and bring it out here! Mmm toilet water, is it free? If it’s free it tastes good to me!”

I asked Hose Jose who works at a Mexican restaurant on 4th Street what the deal was about serving bottled water, he replied, "Me no speako enlisho.” Which just proves, if
you question the conspiracy no one will give you a straight answer.

Damn Hose can you please not do that when your trying to give an interview?

Why do people complain about getting served fresh water? We used to be apes scratching
the dirt to eat bugs and hunting down dinosaurs, or at least that’s what my grandma
tells me. Either way we consumed prehistoric bird poop covered in mucus and called that
bottled water. Ok, well maybe we didn’t call it bottled water, maybe we didn’t have words
then, maybe we just made a load moan that sounded some like the word water, but either
way, we were fine now right. We survived. And look at us now. Asking for bottled water in a
restaurant! Who do we think we are?! Brad Pitt?! No, Brad Pitt we are not, and I bet
you even Brad Pitt drinks the occasional tap water in a restaurant, I mean his tap water
is probably laced in gold and came from diamond cooler in the back of a Ferrari, but
hey, that’s just Brad.

So the next time the waiter says,” Bottled water. or tap water” ask for the dirty free water please, cause if there is one thing you have an appendix for, to clean out the water in your system for you.


So in googling 'Dating' the other day (and by 'googling dating' I do mean 'googling porn')..I came across a very lovely man by the name of Devin. Now to start I assume most guys named 'Devin' wear yellow Lacoste , have blond hair and beat up kids who didn't own the right 'denim jackets' in movies like Mystic Pizza circa '82...but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well as it turns out Devin is a senior at San Diego State University, so in essence the past four years he has probably seen more ass then most prison mates. Devin gives advice below on not hooking up with someone you want to see more then once...umm yeah Devin, that's why you have to steal his wallet and keep it at your he HAS to return back again for a second date...

DATING WITH DEVIN: A few steps to remember

Devin Kunysz, Editorial Adviser

Issue date: 3/10/08 Section: Dating & Romance

It's strange, but dating is one of the few games that are less satisfying after you win. A victory in dating is the moment you know someone's hooked. It's the night you realize that you could show up for your next date drunk in your boxers and she'd happily pull you inside and cook you dinner.

Don't give it up
Sex is one of the few activities that you're less excited about once you finish. No one finishes building a fence and decides they're tired of the fence. People don't win a hand of poker and decide they don't want to see that deck of cards for at least a week. But in the one game that we spend the most effort playing, victory is boring. The best part of any hookup is the prelude, the mental anguish of "will this be the night?" Once the answer is yes, guys start to worry about losing their grazing rights. I have one friend who could teach courses on how to be a player. There hasn't been a night we've hung out that he hasn't left the bar with a phone number - or, more typically, a woman. The one girl he's hooked up with who I've seen again is the one who wouldn't let him get more than a kiss. The simple rule is this: If you want a second date, don't let me round second.

And it only gets better at:

19 Cizz-omments:

Jason said...

I hate clean water myself, i look forward to asking for toilet water next time!

Anonymous said...

that devin kid cracks me up! he prob is the man on campus with a column like this!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

i think toilet water is the WAY TO GO...and yes The Dev is going to be a very great catch on campus im sure..

NYer said...

I think bottled water is just a cheap trick and that they are just filling those fancy green bottles with tap water anyway...least thats what i suspect!

The Battleship said...

The first time I was offered bottled water in a restaurant was from a waiter with an extremely thick accent who kept asking, "Eestop OK?" At first I thought he was asking me if I wanted "pop" which is midwestern for soda. After reiterating my request for water several times I agreed to have a Coke hoping that he would leave me alone. When the badgering continued I told him "no" hoping I had answered whatever he was trying to ask me. While I had now indicated that tap water was not acceptable I hadn't actually ordered bottled water and my thorough, English-challenged waiter continued his inquisition, now asking, "Bode what OK?" Eventually my waiter, who may very well have been trained as a doctor or lawyer in whatever country he came from, made me understand what he was trying to say by alternately pantomiming turning on a faucet and opening a bottle. I ended up ordering the bottled water with the vague notion by doing so I was signalling my recognition of the important distintion between the two forms of water and thus validating our previous exchange. When the drinks finally arrived at our table I was given a fancy glass filled with Coke and an identical glass with water in it. The rest of the table got water in regular glasses along with whatever drink they had ordered.

JanelleGrace said...

There is no way I would pay for water at a restaurant.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Whenever a waiter asks me if I meant "bottled" water, I just give them the stinkface.

DCD said...

You're telling me I can get this dating advice for free? There must be a catch, like Devin is a professional dating coach and after his first two lessons you have to pony up $300 'cause this stuff is gold...I have to assume the Dev is a one and done type of guy because if the P was good, every dude will want a second round...that night.

Anonymous said...

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new york dactyl said...

if someone else wants to pay for a bottled of water for the table, but it better be sans gas. otherwise, just give me the cup and i'll scoop up some toilet water myself.

dating rules suck my tooshie, btw. the older i get, the less i refer to them. :)

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I feel like there was a bottled water brand that actually meant "City Water"....but people bought it because the name was in Latin....but it literally meant City Water.

So@24 said...

Hey man. You don't tell Hose what to do... he tells YOU what to do.

LisaBinDaCity said...

Damn it, I know I commented here yesterday! GRRRRR on Blogger.

Anyhoo, what I said was that I think it's funny that they go on and on about how NY water is great for every day drinking. However, I live in a building with (rusted) 60 year old pipes. Am I gonna drink from the tap? Not so much ;-)

Quarterlifegirl said...

Just remember that the asshole Dev writing that might warn some poor girl not to fall for an asshole like that....thankfully in my old age I can smell a lame player a mile away but remember when you trusted men, hehehe. JK>

Anonymous said...

I first read this post here:
I guess you cross-posted?

Anyway, I think the point about the muddy water people used to drink doesn't really hold, because people had different immune systems back then, adjusted to that crap. Now that we get our water clean, we'd get sick from drinking it.

Heather said...

The whole bottled water thing just reminds me of the Clorox commercial where they declare that your sheets could be covered in BODY SOIL. Oh, the horror. :eye roll: We are still animals, no matter how much we try to sanitize and isolate ourselves from the natural world. Being alive is messy and gross. We need to get over it. /rant

So if we want Devon to go away, we just need to sleep with him? Noted. ;)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@batt- that was seriously funny, i was laughing reading that comment, thanks!

@jangra- I AGREE!

@Brookboy- wow, i need to learn the stinkface

@dcd- what is, the 'P'? lol is that something I dont know about yet?

@New York- wow i love a girl who will go get the toilet water herself haha!

@joc- i sure hope you're right

@so- hose tells us ALL what to do

@lisa- that cannot be sanitary OR safe

@quarter- im starting to believe they might all be assholes in that kinda game

@anon- I def do not cross-post, I wonder why that guy is posting my columns...hmm at least he put my link on the bottom to prove i wrote it i guess..

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ heather- YES Being alive IS messy and exact thoughts! haha

modelbehavior said...

GAAA. The theories continue. Can some kind person just synthesize all this into one preferably purse-size mini book?