Monday, September 10, 2007

"The Freeze"

There is a time in every young woman’s life when she learns skills passed on from generations. Skills like cooking a turkey, changing a tire, finding a strange man’s bathroom in the dark
half-cocked running through a hallway in your bra top…essentially the usual…But beyond, cooking and cleaning and using a Swiss army knife for… well for whatever you use those things for I don’t skill I would like to pass on to a younger generation is ‘The Freeze’. ‘The Freeze’ may help you survive in the wild jungle world, where men are allowed to roam free and are not tied up inside metal cages, such as they do in civil places with funny names like, “Alabama”.

Is this so wrong...Or so very very right

Scene: You are at a bar, with your friends, drinking the finest Pabst's Blue Ribbon they have on tap, dancing along to Salt-n-Peppa (or Pepp-ER as us white people like to say, HOLL-ER) when you see him, “Mr. Black Lee Jeans” , it like a scary movie you can't stop from playing, he is about to come over and go in for the ass-hump-dance all men instinctively do (it’s like fish knowing how to swim, men know how to ass hump) this when you do what I like to call, ‘The Freeze’.

this is me dancing in a bar, doing 'the freeze 'per usual, I know what you're track suit

‘The Freeze’ consists of stopping all dancing mid-motion to advert the guy into thinking neither you, nor the dancing, ever existed. It is just like in Jurassic Park, when the scientist told the little kids, "if you don't move, the Dinosaur can't see you…." You must to warn all your girlfriends, let them know Mr. Black jeans is headed your way, create a hand signal, for you must all freeze at once, act like you were never dancing, like you never even existed. As soon as you freeze, the guy will too. Don’t blink. Don’t cough. Don’t move. Just stand. Arms in the air if you must. Hips to the side, about to do the ‘Humpty-Hump’… but just-don’t-move.

comon everybody, do the humpty hump

Mr. Black Jeans will then look around the room, thinking “I thought I saw four hot girls dancing in the corner? But I guess not, I can't see them anymore, in fact I don’t see anyone dancing....I better leave.”
If these Jeans aren't sexy then I don't know what is