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Monday, September 10, 2007

"The Freeze"


There is a time in every young woman’s life when she learns skills passed on from generations. Skills like cooking a turkey, changing a tire, finding a strange man’s bathroom in the dark
half-cocked running through a hallway in your bra top…essentially the usual…But beyond, cooking and cleaning and using a Swiss army knife for… well for whatever you use those things for I don’t know...one skill I would like to pass on to a younger generation is ‘The Freeze’. ‘The Freeze’ may help you survive in the wild jungle world, where men are allowed to roam free and are not tied up inside metal cages, such as they do in civil places with funny names like, “Alabama”.

Is this so wrong...Or so very very right

Scene: You are at a bar, with your friends, drinking the finest Pabst's Blue Ribbon they have on tap, dancing along to Salt-n-Peppa (or Pepp-ER as us white people like to say, HOLL-ER) when you see him, “Mr. Black Lee Jeans” , it like a scary movie you can't stop from playing, he is about to come over and go in for the ass-hump-dance all men instinctively do (it’s like fish knowing how to swim, men know how to ass hump) this when you do what I like to call, ‘The Freeze’.


this is me dancing in a bar, doing 'the freeze 'per usual, I know what you're thinking...hot track suit

‘The Freeze’ consists of stopping all dancing mid-motion to advert the guy into thinking neither you, nor the dancing, ever existed. It is just like in Jurassic Park, when the scientist told the little kids, "if you don't move, the Dinosaur can't see you…." You must to warn all your girlfriends, let them know Mr. Black jeans is headed your way, create a hand signal, for you must all freeze at once, act like you were never dancing, like you never even existed. As soon as you freeze, the guy will too. Don’t blink. Don’t cough. Don’t move. Just stand. Arms in the air if you must. Hips to the side, about to do the ‘Humpty-Hump’… but just-don’t-move.

comon everybody, do the humpty hump

Mr. Black Jeans will then look around the room, thinking “I thought I saw four hot girls dancing in the corner? But I guess not, I can't see them anymore, in fact I don’t see anyone dancing....I better leave.”
If these Jeans aren't sexy then I don't know what is

12 Cizz-omments:

Mortarbored said...

Does this apply to blogs?

NYCPonderings Chick said...

the freeze can apply to anything,its how i avoid men grocery shopping and at the gym as well, and im sure there is a way to accomplish that online

Anonymous said...

black jeans are hot, especially high waisted ones with braided belts..
~J

MsPuddin said...

Omg I am cracking up because I do this ALL THE TIME…


And those jeans (especially if they cup tight around the ankles) with some Keds, a polo with a pocket on the upper right, you definitely can’t go wrong.

MsP

Ha Ha Sound said...

I'm so thankful that I don't do the male ass hump dance. That just sounds horrible.

modelbehavior said...

don't even get me started on the humpty-hump song...

I love it! It always gets me out of a bad mood.

I also know every word. Sad.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@MS- I think women do it instinctively, and seriously below you just described my outfit saturda night

@Ha- oh I'm sure you do sometimes, common no humping from behind on the dance floor? How else can a guy meet a girl?

@Model- that is said and yet a-mazing all at the same time

LisaBinDaCity said...

I just had a bad wedding flashback ;-)

lioux said...

I'm wearing black jeans RIGHT NOW!!!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Lisa- OH MY, i hope no one did the ass hump dance at a wedding, thats just wrong

@Lioux- HA! PRICE-LESS

Quarterlifegirl said...

Hahaha! So true and on point. The worse is when they do not take the freeze as directed and continue to approach. Next comes the "I'm gay, married and a concubine." line. That usually steers them clear. Love your blog!

The Cajun Boy said...

i'm partial to the humpty. it's my go to karaoke song. gets the rumps shakin', makes all the little girls moist.