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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Someone Please Explain To Me What Is Going On In The World

So this past weekend was so complex it has taken me a few days to digest it all, and not just the whole, tricky-007-shitting part. Although I will address that since I know you are all curious.

Let me first start by easing your minds and saying that I feel sorry for whomever had to clean the bathrooms at the CheeseCake Factory, because essentially that is where two days worth of shitting went down. Well of course, I emerged from the bathroom doing the whole , “My mom called” line, so I was "distracted by the call" yaddy yaddy ya. I don’t even remember what I said, I think it may partly have been in English, and the other part in Zimbabwean, but all I know is I got to shit and it didn’t have to be at his house and that is all that matters to me and Jesus.

Continuing on.

Now in the history of men, I have been thrown a lot of things... things like , “I have to move out to LA for my acting career” (lie) …“My ex girlfriend and I are getting back together” (lie) … “Kim you are just too beautiful and looking directly into your eyes blinds me” (truth) …

But this weekend I think I have officially heard it all.

So the first night, when the movie finally ended, I did what any normal chick from the Northeast would do…I jumped him. Didn’t really give him a choice in the matter, because frankly, who needs choices and opinions? Certainly not the men I date, that is for sure.

Now let us skip ahead to what some may call “Day 2” …or as I like to refer to it, “The Day the World Imploded”.

Let me set the scene:

Laying there. On the bed. He is watching Law and Order. I am switching positions with my legs figuring out in which position do they look the tannest.

So then of course, after about 4 or 5 minutes of nothing, I decide to become Kim the Rapest again and go after him. So I turn over to kiss him….and he stop me. Just stops. Just like that. Like the, “Hold the train Mr. Conductor The Penis Express is making a stop!”

Looks at me and says, “Don’t you feel…you know…guilty about last night?”

Me (looking confused) “Guilty? Umm no…I could find another adjective…like satisfied perhaps?”
Him (looking strained) “No, I mean, because we are not boyfriend/girlfriend…I just think that…..”

WAIT FOR IT….WAIT FOR IT……….WAIT FOR IT…


Him: “I just think people should only sleep together if they are in a committed relationship.”

Outside-World implodes. Children scream. The heavens burst.

Me: “I’m sorry, what? I think I just hallucinated…what did you say?”

Him: “ I just don’t think its right for us to be sleeping together if we aren’t in a committed relationship yet.”


(Scene ends. Fades to black)

Kim sleeps alone that night.

Can someone explain to me what’s going on? Because now I am questioning the world, the universe, every single disciple…what in the name of tomfoolery just happened here??

Before you respond though I will give you two details of backstory, he is southern and in a military branch. Does this change things? Does this make me less of a whore? Does this make me more of a whore? Does this mean we really do know how much wood a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

30 Cizz-omments:

Lioux said...

“Kim, I am a flaming homosexual” (truth)…

Anonymous said...

seriously military dudes are always f-ed in the head

NYCPonderings Chick said...

none of this helps me dears..

Lioux said...

NYCP Chick, Our point is... "Kim, It's not you, It's me"(not lie/not truth)

brookLyn gaL said...

I find more guys who are conservative about this thing than women!

sid said...

What? I wish a guy would say, "Hey let's be in a relationship and not just fool around." Also ... why'd he invite you over if he wasn't planning on having constant sex with you?

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I think I have used all 3 of those excuses in conjuction:

Kim, your eyes are blinding, so therefore I am moving to LA for my acting career where I will end up getting back together with my ex.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

ok the only person i am working with here is SID! seriously though...WHY would you invite me over to your place to stay for en ENTIRE weekend if you didnt plan on doing the horizontal tango???

surviving myself said...

There is something seriously wrong with him. Not you. He is not a normal dude. Run and run fast.

Frankly, Scarlett said...

Sadly i dont think you can blame the military as Army Guy is all about sex in non committed relationships (as is yours truly). You should explain to him that relationships DESTROY sex! So its best to have them apart from relationships for a long as you can avoid committment!

Sigh - what are they teaching kids these days!?

NYCPonderings Chick said...

Ok let me also clarify then and sayy he does not want to be in a realtionship right now because he is being deployed for Iraq (for a second time) this Fall, so he doesnt want any "distractions" before he goes...but so that is the CATCH 22! He doesnt want to have sex unless he is in a relationship...but he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now.....ummm WHAT? so NO SEX AT ALL? is that what he is saying?

DCD said...

This kid is tapped...either he decided half way through the weekend that he's just not into you...or he's a nut job...or he has something else on the side and felt guilty about the situation he has with you...but no sex for the sake of not being in a relationship is total BS...

NYCPonderings Chick said...

DCD I TOTALLY AGREE...

Ok so I think it is 1 of 2...halfway through weekend he decided he just wasn't that into me (possible, sad but possible) BUT HERE IS MY QUESTION TO THAT DCD...wouldnt he still want to just use me for the sex??

Or he has something on the side (also sad but possible)

This is like solving the mystery of the SPHINX

Jocular Schlemiel said...

He's prude. Plain and simple. Or, he gets off watching other people pine for him.

modelbehavior said...

You didn't spend the weekend with a man. You spent it with some sort of pussy alien from another planet. That or you're really bad in bed, which I doubt.

If it's any consolation, I think a guy I was sleeping with for almost a year made up having an STD so he could stop sleeping with me without pissing me off, that way I'd feel sorry for him and still help him with his business writing etc. That's worse.

Lioux said...

Maybe your legs weren't tan enough.

And OK! The only person I am working with here is Frankly, Scarlett!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ joc-- yes but are boys prude? i feel like that is a whole other world i have never known..

@model- we all know that being a whore requires good sexy time skills, so let us not doubt my ability in that area...although seriously, it makes no sense, so i am open to anything right now, who knows maybe i have a few more tricks to learn

@liox- i do agree with scarlett as well ...relationships do ruin sex...and is there something about military guys everyone knows that i am not aware of?

DCD said...

If the guy has any conscious at all he wouldn't use you for sex, at least not while sober...it's like having that morning after feeling people get when they call that late night booty call that they've swown off, but instead of just having that feeling in the morning, he would feel that way during the entire duration of coitus. It's a pretty shitty feeling too...

NYCPonderings Chick said...

so DCD you have pretty much just crushed all my hopes and dreams and said essentially...he doesnt like me, and if he did he would sleep with me...but because he doesnt, he didnt

DCD said...

My honest opinion is that he's not into you...which sucks...but I could be totally wrong, I'm an idiot by gender. But the real kicker to me is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and most military men are all about finding someone to "settle down with" prior to deployment.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

:(

that is me making a very sad face

Anonymous said...

maybe he doesn't think he is that good in bed.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

i dont know who you are anon, but i can tell we would be very good friends

MsPuddin said...

I'm dying over here...seriously, I want to hear more about the shitting...lol


And i'm confused, so does this mean you have a boyfriend? or he paid you at the end of the trip?

obviously him and his penis need to have a serious meeting...

LisaBinDaCity said...

I have another point of view. I find that the more I wait to sleep with someone, the more likely it is to become a relationship. Never mind how much I may want to jump them earlier, (and vice versa.) But when we wait, we can decide if we are a "good fit" (emotionally that is,) and if we indeed we SHOULD be sleeping together.

But keep in mind, I'm in relationship mode, not FB mode. Not to imply you are in FB mode, just sayin'

Hugs, dear.

Lioux said...

Okay.

I AM NOW OFFICIALLY AND COMPLETELY OBSSESSING over this matter.

Maybe your legs were TOO tan?!

Also. Which Law & Order®™©™ Series was it?! Was it a rerun?!

Sometimes L&O®™©™ IS REALLY good.

Just sayin'...

NYCPonderings Chick said...

Ok for MSP, Lisa and Lioux-
No, he is not my boyfriend and yes him and his penis do need a meeting, I totally agree with RM, except we live 10 states away from each other...and finally I am happy you are obsessing, cause I AM OBSESSING!!

Ok so I talked this out numerous times with my friends and one of my good guy friends...final response/decision has been that he is fuckd in the head from having been in Iraq and he knows he has a greater chance of getting hurt this time around and wants to be deloyed not having ANY attachments here...and being that sex is a big deal to him, he didnt want to get attached before he left..(and he also cant ask me to wait around 12 months for him to come back ya know?)


..... ORRR..he just isn't that into me.

The Battleship said...

Most guys wouldn't invite a girl that they don't like-like to spend a weekend at their house. Long-distance relationships are difficult enough without an impending military deployment thrown into the mix. Given the circumstances, he'd have to be not just "into" you but completely gaga to want to pursue a relationship at this juncture. Even if he is gaga, it is understandable that he wouldn't want to pursue anything unless he felt that he could ask you to wait for him.

As far as giving you the penis-Nazi treatment, it is entirely possible that he's making it a moral issue because that is less personal and, hence, requires a less personal discussion. It would be easier to say that he doesn't believe in sex outside of committed relationships than that he is scared about developing serious feelings for you given that you live ten states away and he's headed for Iraq in the fall.

Lioux said...

...he just isn't that 'into you'?!?!!!

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!!!

I think not.

Cheryl said...

alright, i think any guy is entitled to say he thinks sex should be in a committed relationship (although what normal, conscious guy would turn down nsa sex!?)

BUT

if he wanted a buddy buddy friendship, why did he invite you for a long weekend? i invite my friends to come visit for a night... and if it was a guy visiting, i'd make it clear that he can stay and also stay away from my vag if we're just friends.

maybe he thought he could handle the no strings thing until it actually happened... whatever, his loss!!!