SELFABSORBED.ME

So last night I came home to about an inch of water across my bedroom carpet and kitchen floor. Now as much as I love pools, I don’t want to live in one. The water was seemingly coming from the bottom up though, not from the ceiling down. I stood there, my feet soaking , staring at the water. How could it possibly be coming from the ground up? I am on the 2nd floor of my building, it didn’t make any logical sense. Was water rising now like heat? Was I in some sort of sci-fi thriller and soon my lights would shut off and I would become a virgin again screaming into a house phone that I don’t even own (do people actually have home phones still or did that go away with the dinosaurs?) .

So I went downstairs and explained the situation to my doorman.

Me- “There is water all on my kitchen floor and carpet.”

Him- “Your name Kim, yes?”

Me- “Um, Yes?”

Him- Shakes his head and goes and calls some maintenance guy.

I don’t know what that’s about, but continuing on…

One hour later I hear a knock at my door. I open the door and there he stands.

The maintenance guy.





He was about 6 ft 2, and built like a meatpaddy who does a lot of steroids and bathes in bronzing cream. I just stood there staring at him for a good minute. He was wearing a wife beater and shorts. As I stood there in the doorway staring at him, the Meatpaddy spoke.

Meatpaddy: "I am here to fix your pipes.”

Me: "Why yes, yes you are...”

Meatpaddy: “Should I go into your bedroom for the leak?”

Me: (still standing with the door half open) “Yes, my bedroom, that is exactly where you should go.”

Meatpaddy: “So, I guess you should probably let me inside?”

Me: “Yes...you can go inside.”

I still stand there, holding the door, until I see him staring at me. I laugh a little and open the door the rest of the way.

Meatpaddy walks right over to our central air unit, opens the door and bends down. Meanwhile I am standing behind him wishing he could bend down over and over again and how I am going to break my fucking central air everyday now, along with every other single pipe in my home.

One of my roommates emerges from her bedroom and I grab her arm and start pinching like a 12 year old gay boy who just discovered his queendom.

“The MAINTENANCE GUY is here” I say giving her big eyes. She just shakes her head at me.

Meatpaddy gets up from the floor and tells us something about the pipes or whatnot.

Meatpaddy- "So it appears as though your central air tubing has dislocated.”

Me Thinking- I wonder if he goes to the gym every day, or maybe just three times a week. I bet he could lift me with one of those arms and throw me onto some horse.

Meatpaddy - "And because it wasn’t on tightly enough the water has been dripping.”

Me Thinking- Or maybe he just goes to the gym twice a week but he has one of those ab rollers he uses at home, or the thigh master, because that Susan woman wasn’t kidding those damn things work like a mother fucker .

Meatpaddy - "So the more it dripped the more the water collected under your floor and that’s why it created a pool under your carpeting. So essentially all you have to do is just stick it back in..”

Me- “I’m sorry…what?!"

Meatpaddy - “You know stick it in..the tubing, stick it back in the hole so that it fits tightly.”

Me - "Right right... the tubing…”

Meatpaddy - “Can I see the water damage in your bedroom.”

Me - Yes, let me show you my bedroom.”

We go and stand in my bedroom together. We are just standing there. Looking at the floor.

Me- “Do you see how wet it is...it is very wet.”

Meatpaddy - “Wow, that is really wet maybe I can come in tomorrow and have someone take care of that for you.”

Me-“Yes, I need someone to take care of that.”

Meatpaddy – “How about I will come in myself tomorrow and bring a blower”

Me-”That would be perfect...a blower.”

Meatpaddy - “Ok so what time do you want me to come in and blow your rug?”

Me-“Anytime.”

Meatpaddy - "Anytime?"

Me- "Yes."

Meatpaddy - "I think I have your cell phone right here..can I call when I come in for the rug?"

Me- "You can call me about the rug anytime."

Meatpaddy - ”Ok, will do, you know, I am here just to satisfy the tenants.”

Me- “Yes, I see that.”