Tuesday, July 8, 2008


So last night I came home to about an inch of water across my bedroom carpet and kitchen floor. Now as much as I love pools, I don’t want to live in one. The water was seemingly coming from the bottom up though, not from the ceiling down. I stood there, my feet soaking , staring at the water. How could it possibly be coming from the ground up? I am on the 2nd floor of my building, it didn’t make any logical sense. Was water rising now like heat? Was I in some sort of sci-fi thriller and soon my lights would shut off and I would become a virgin again screaming into a house phone that I don’t even own (do people actually have home phones still or did that go away with the dinosaurs?) .

So I went downstairs and explained the situation to my doorman.

Me- “There is water all on my kitchen floor and carpet.”

Him- “Your name Kim, yes?”

Me- “Um, Yes?”

Him- Shakes his head and goes and calls some maintenance guy.

I don’t know what that’s about, but continuing on…

One hour later I hear a knock at my door. I open the door and there he stands.

The maintenance guy.

He was about 6 ft 2, and built like a meatpaddy who does a lot of steroids and bathes in bronzing cream. I just stood there staring at him for a good minute. He was wearing a wife beater and shorts. As I stood there in the doorway staring at him, the Meatpaddy spoke.

Meatpaddy: "I am here to fix your pipes.”

Me: "Why yes, yes you are...”

Meatpaddy: “Should I go into your bedroom for the leak?”

Me: (still standing with the door half open) “Yes, my bedroom, that is exactly where you should go.”

Meatpaddy: “So, I guess you should probably let me inside?”

Me: “ can go inside.”

I still stand there, holding the door, until I see him staring at me. I laugh a little and open the door the rest of the way.

Meatpaddy walks right over to our central air unit, opens the door and bends down. Meanwhile I am standing behind him wishing he could bend down over and over again and how I am going to break my fucking central air everyday now, along with every other single pipe in my home.

One of my roommates emerges from her bedroom and I grab her arm and start pinching like a 12 year old gay boy who just discovered his queendom.

“The MAINTENANCE GUY is here” I say giving her big eyes. She just shakes her head at me.

Meatpaddy gets up from the floor and tells us something about the pipes or whatnot.

Meatpaddy- "So it appears as though your central air tubing has dislocated.”

Me Thinking- I wonder if he goes to the gym every day, or maybe just three times a week. I bet he could lift me with one of those arms and throw me onto some horse.

Meatpaddy - "And because it wasn’t on tightly enough the water has been dripping.”

Me Thinking- Or maybe he just goes to the gym twice a week but he has one of those ab rollers he uses at home, or the thigh master, because that Susan woman wasn’t kidding those damn things work like a mother fucker .

Meatpaddy - "So the more it dripped the more the water collected under your floor and that’s why it created a pool under your carpeting. So essentially all you have to do is just stick it back in..”

Me- “I’m sorry…what?!"

Meatpaddy - “You know stick it in..the tubing, stick it back in the hole so that it fits tightly.”

Me - "Right right... the tubing…”

Meatpaddy - “Can I see the water damage in your bedroom.”

Me - Yes, let me show you my bedroom.”

We go and stand in my bedroom together. We are just standing there. Looking at the floor.

Me- “Do you see how wet it is very wet.”

Meatpaddy - “Wow, that is really wet maybe I can come in tomorrow and have someone take care of that for you.”

Me-“Yes, I need someone to take care of that.”

Meatpaddy – “How about I will come in myself tomorrow and bring a blower”

Me-”That would be perfect...a blower.”

Meatpaddy - “Ok so what time do you want me to come in and blow your rug?”


Meatpaddy - "Anytime?"

Me- "Yes."

Meatpaddy - "I think I have your cell phone right here..can I call when I come in for the rug?"

Me- "You can call me about the rug anytime."

Meatpaddy - ”Ok, will do, you know, I am here just to satisfy the tenants.”

Me- “Yes, I see that.”

19 Cizz-omments:

Frankly, Scarlett said...

Kim - you are priceless!!! My maintenence guy is fat, hairy and needs to pull his pants up more!

Le Sigh.

d said...

whoa, LUCKY! My repair man is a chain smoking, mullet haired, flannel wearing, 50-something ex convict.

Anonymous said...

Ugh why doesn't my guy look like this??? Sometimes I get the butch woman in cargo pants..

The Jaded NYer said...

this was the funniest... love your writing style!

I will be back :)

Lioux said...

"...12 year old gay boy who just discovered his queendom."

Some of us were 10.

I don't have a maintenance man, myself. It's like I tell my stylist...I prefer to blow myself.

MsPuddin said...

oh you little slut muffin you! I need a hot maintenence guy to come fix my pipes for real...

Kat said...

I think I actually know which maintence dude you are talking about and he actually looks just like that hot-guy picture you posted!!

modelbehavior said...

I spit water out of my mouth reading this. Best. post. ever. Sexual innuendos - they never get old!

T.P. said...

Kim are you writing stories about me again?

just me said...

You win. My maintenance guy is 50. I don't usually ask him for anything because like...grandpa might fall.

lil sis said...

i love reading a day in the life of kim forrest! always makes my day better!

Cunning_Linguist said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Women together oggling a guy is always 10X worse than when guys do it. The minds go straight to the gutter.

At least that's the deal when it happens to me anyways. ;)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@fran- haha awwww well you can borrow mine, how about that?

@D- althoughhhh I HEAR mullets are making a

@anon- Cargo pants can be very sexy

@Jade- thanks! ..and you better be comin back!!

@@Li- did you ever hear about that marilyn manson thing where he had a rib removed so he could blow himself?

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ms- I am sure I can find someone missy to fix your pipes..

@kat- I know, right!!

@model- I hope that water didnt go onto your laptop! I think I will be 12 forever and giggle anytime anyone's name is Dick...

@tp- are much BETTER Tom then a silly repair man

@Just me- I seriously just laughed out loud at the grandpa might fall commment!

@Lilsis- awww I miss you lady! I will tell you all these stories in person soon enough...

@cunning- I actually totally agree...because I think women can do it without fear of anytype of action taken against us! I think guys love it!

LisaBinDaCity said...

Absolutely hilarious!!! And he sounds like total man candy - YUM!!!

Anytime ;-)

surviving myself said...

So you're into the whole Staten Island/NJ guy huh?

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@lisa- Yes MAN CANDY! that is exactly what he was..

@sur- What? Me? No? Never? Who?

Lioux said...

Has ANYTHING gotten blown yet?!?!!!

Kim. you should have a Man Candy Monday feature. You know for your hot gay male demographic.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

OMG you think I have a gay male demo that consistantly read this that would BLOW my mind....see something got blown there.....hmmm I might have to think about that though for real...