SELFABSORBED.ME

Upon much scientific data and thorough forensic reports I have come to the conclusion that there are four types of girls in the world.

Now I know what you are going to say, “But Kim, how can you be so discriminatory towards your own gender and equate all women to being in specified and visionary entities?!”

And to that I would respond, “Poop on you.”

Now let us begin.

The first category I would like to call Level 1 . Level 1 girls are those girls who should not exist within society, but unfortunately they do. These are the girls who are ridiculously beautiful, do not know they are beautiful and are also sweet, nice and classy. Essentially, someone needs to do something about these bitches. They are bringing the rest of us down. They are those tall brunette girls on the trains holding their clueless ugly Nine West handbag, because they are too beautiful to know what is in fashion and too sweet to care regardless. These types of women find boyfriends by simply turning around the wrong way on the street and have mindless jobs and don’t worry about much more then being sweet, baking pies, getting married and being ‘unknowingly’ beautiful. Someone needs to fucking stop breeding these women, and get rid of them before I have to rat poison every one of their Cranberry Surprise drinks, Sweet Sally Jessie Rafael I'll do it I swear!

The second Category I would like to refer to as, Level B 1. This is the category wherein I will include myself. And I know what you’re thinking, “Sooo this must be the ridiculously good looking and intelligent category?” And I might be tempted to even say yes to that one. But alas, no. This is the “I think I am ridiculously good looking and intelligent category.” As one of my friends says her favorite quote of mine is, “I am one of those girls who thinks she is better looking then she is.” Now the problem with all women in this category is that they have "boyfriend’ trouble"...*cough* WHAT?! *cough* WHO?!....Yes, see us Level B 1 girls, are cute, have jobs, strive for more in life then just the usual ‘pie baking’, many of us have advanced degrees and serious non flaking lip-gloss (sephoria #10 for real bitches, try it). But that is just the problem, we “think” too much. Think about our looks. Think about our jobs , think about our relationships. And as I always say, I believe we need to start doing less “thinking” and more “uterus-ing”.

The thirds category is the non-thinking non-overly beautiful girls. I will refer to this as Level 1 C. Level 1 C is also a freewheeling lifestyle, where these ladies don’t think too much about their looks, they are cute, on-the-border-of-average-on-the-border-of-unremarkable, but in a good way. They flow in and out of social situations, making a joke here and there, tend to have good jobs that dont over-think. Average looks that they aren’t over-thinking. And tend to be pro’s in the dating arena. Mostly because they find a man who likes them and they stick with him. ..."Wait, what?! Did I just hallucinate? So you are saying Kim that some girls just find a guy…and date him? No questions asked? No over-analyzing? No diecting his Lee Jeans that he wears on Sundays?" Ahh yes, that is correct my lady friends. Some girls out there just take what comes their way. Lee jeans or no Lee jeans.


The final category I will call The Hopeless women of Level F 2. These women are in and out of jobs they can’t keep, have trouble with the men folk, and try way to damn hard at everything. These are the girls I find myself just shaking my head at when they enter the bar with some too tight jean skirt on, red lipstick and big hair. These girls are on big hot mess. And I love em for it, sweet mary Magdaline do I love these damn women! They are just hopeless, dressing like a country rock star on 80’s night in Nashville, own purses that dangle (if I have to explain that one then we need more then just 1 email) and have apartments with figurines. You have to love these women, because when it comes to life, they are just lost. It was like they got on the turkey truck to crazy town and have been applying hot pink eye shadow ever since. These women are the kind men SHOULD date, but wont. And they will marry someone named Earl and own numerous Hot Tools

and will buy a house that’s a fixer-upper with no plans of fix-en. These women are doing one thing right though…using their uterus’ a lot.