Thursday, May 8, 2008

We Don't Call Them Strippers Anymore..We Call Them Money Belt Attendents

Ok Kim, you can do this…you can do this...” I was prepping myself in the back of my mind. “Just walk in, just walk in like you do this all the time, like it’s no big’s no big deal...”
“COMMON KIMM..” I heard someone say.

I stared at the front door of the strip club. How I had been talked into this I have no idea. I would never want to do this in a million years. My friends had to forcefully drag me here to ever get me to go…. And by “drag” , some may say is an overstatement, and some people might also say it was was “my idea” to go to a strip club, but those people are filthy liars!

When I walked into the lobby of the club it was like going into one of those really scary Halloween Haunted Houses. The ones you know you want to go one , just to experience it, but at the same time, you have no clue what’s going to happen to you once you enter and you kept telling yourself, you are at the state fair for God’s Sake and the only scary thing inside there is some flashing lights and a pot bellied man named Bingo who runs the haunted trailer. It was like the midnight thrill ride at Spooky Town, except without the Silence of the Lambs facemasks. (Do not even pretend like you haven’t been to Spooky Town)

I walked up to the front desk.

“30 dollars,” the woman behind the counter said.

“30 Dollars! 30 dollars! But I’m a girl!” I screamed. “I’ve seen girl parts before! I have my own! I can see myself naked all the time if I want!”

She just went back to filing her nails, rolling her eyes, “30 dollars” she repeated.

I didn’t pay 30 dollars last week for a button up green blouse at The GAP yet, I’m offering up 30 bucks to see Candy rip off her edible thong and throw it over my face. Perfect.

I took out money from my pocket and placed it on the counter.

After arriving I agreed to please my guy friends and let one of the strippers eat a dollar bill out of my bra. I figured it was like doing charity work and I could probably write it off in next year’s taxes.

As she approached me she was swinging her hips around and had on nothing more than a money garter belt.

“Hi…umm….how are you?” I said. “I like the color of your top…err um, your half-top?”

She looked down at me and smiled.

Ok, well…see..the thing is..I’ve never been here before..” I started to say.

“What?” she asked, leaning in closer.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB” I screamed over the music.

She smiled at me.

“So …ummm…well…when you eat the dollar bill out of umm, my bra…can you umm…can you not touch me with your boobs please?”

“What?” she asked again, leaning in closer to hear me.

“CAN YOU NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS PLEASE?” I screamed. …“Please just don’t touch me with your boobs… like when you lean over, can you keep your boobs out of the way? ..I just...well umm..I just don’t want you to touch me with anything…dirty.”

She laughed a bit, “Ok”, she said. “I promise I won’t touch you. Just lean forward.”

I moved in closer and she leaned over and ate out the dollar bill right out of my bra. It was all very skillful too, like she had done it before.

I smiled, pulling my black button down sweater up a bit.

I could hear my guy friends howling and clapping.

“Thanks..” I said. “That was ..umm..nice.”

She smiled.

She was just standing there, staring at me awkwardly for a moment.

Is this when I was supposed to talk to the stripper? Was I supposed to engage her in some sort of conversation? I don’t know all the stripper rules yet!

So I just started talking.

ME- “So I have been thinking about investing in my own money garter belt…I mean you never know when you are going to need one of those things right?’

She just stared at me.

ME-“I mean, I feel like I could use it for other things too you know, like to hold my Starbucks around my leg in the morning and what not...”

Blank stare.

ME-“You know it’s funny, I never realize how hard it is to talk to women, cause you talk to men and it’s like blah blah blah I have boobs, I win the conversation….know what I’m sayin sista!”

More blank staring.

ME-“I bought this sweater from Old Navy.”

HER-“You work in the Navy?”

ME- “Umm….yeah.”

Stripper walks away.

12 Cizz-omments:

MsPuddin said...

omigod, kim, where have you been? I love strip clubs! may we never have to buy drinks again!

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Whenever I go to "Gentlemen's Clubs", I always get flushed and embarrassed for some reason.

Hi, here's a dollar, put your vag in my face, shake your chest, slap your ass, and then...umm, "hi, so uh, you come here often...orrrrr? Do you get cold up there? "

Lioux said...


I have the BEST strip club stories.

Being a gay man, it's always a real hoot. One of my BFFs LOVES to take me, because I always make 'friends' with the strippers.

I'm kinda like his wingman.

Oh. And am I the only one who got a kick out of a 'stripper' now being considered an 'MBA'?!

That must look great on a resume.

ZenDenizen said...

How did you get talked into this?

LisaBinDaCity said...

You are a braver woman that I am!

And why am I not the least bit surprised about her side of convo? ;-)

modelbehavior said...

I LOVE strip clubs. OK, not really. I just say that because at Tens, the head mamma stripper there approached me just to tell me I had beautiful boobs - and coming from her, a stripper and therefore expert in the boob industry, that meant a lot. That was probably the best compliment I got last year. And that's SAD!

surviving myself said...

she sounded nice.

Anonymous said...

As one who works in the adult industry, try not to judge too harshly. Yes some strippers are brain dead, but some of us actually have *gasp* college educations and can hold an actual conversation. Sorry your experience was so stereotypical

sid said...

wow that was awkward. i've never been to a strip club but if I go I hope I don't start a conversation with them.

NYer said...

I have started a convo with many a stripper and i have to say some actualy make you feel more comfortable if you are nervous being there...that or else its cause i put lots of dollar bills in their belt!

Katie said...

omg i wish i had been there with you lady!

Diamond Antonia said...

Personally, I feel that you mistreated that stripper. You were not talking to her, you were making jokes out of her. That's not respectful, and God doesn't appreciate you speaking of his children that way. If you can't say something nice; SAY NOTHING AT ALL!