SELFABSORBED.ME

That is what I look when I step inside my makeup bag as well, I even wear glitter bathing suit...it's like, my thing now, it's how I roll


So I dont know if anyone else received Sephora updates in their mailbox (I know Papa Dukes does for sho), but I have to say this time I around I was so intrigued by the message. Namely because the headline in my email box was, "Hello Sunshine!". And that is normally how you get my attention, mostly because I assume you are going to be selling me a penis enlarger, which I so desperately need ...thank you DickyCHen69 for that one!


Upon opening the email I had a flashback to being a little kid and staring at the sex articles in Cosmo magazine, where I knew ONE DAY I was going to wake up and be that perfect woman who read sex articles and wore musk....funny, I am still waiting for that to happen...but I digress;


I would like to introduce YOU SUNSHINE...to the Sephora Catalogue photos!




Now I don’t know about you but this is something I do on any given day…hang out in my 1952 bathing suit looking surprised. What is she so surprised about? The fact that she is the exact same size as that bottle of mystic tan sitting next to her? I mean I know models keep getting smaller, but damn. Maybe she is on that new liquid diet? Or the tape worm-thing. I hear that is all the rage now. People ask me sometimes why I am on the tape worm diet and I tell ya, because I want to be the size of a damn tanning bottle, that's why Mary Magdalene, THAT'S
WHY!




What is she looking so secretive over? The fact that she has 24 colors all in one? Well let me tell you, my Aunt Sally has one of these things, except her cost about three dollars and she got it from the Pick n Save off of Route 93, stole it out of the hands of the woman who wheels her cat around in a metal basket. Cause some days I feel like having purple eyes. And some days I feel like having red ones. But mostly I just like that fact that I look like my Aunt Sally on her Valium days.



Now this one is my favorite..mostly because I TOO happen to lounge around in a yellow bathing suit and heels. I don’t know about you but when I feel like it’s lipgloss and nail polish time I yell out, “HEY GEORGE!" ( he is the homeless man who sleeps below my window on Tuesday’s) "George, bust out that yellow bikini I have been letting you use for a snot rag and bring it over this way because I feel like its lipgloss time!” And that is normally when George mumbles something about the war and then falls asleep on a chard of glass. Ahh, these are the days to remember, cause they will not last forever.

“Ok Kim, you can do this…you can do this...” I was prepping myself in the back of my mind. “Just walk in, just walk in like you do this all the time, like it’s no big deal...it’s no big deal...”
“COMMON KIMM..” I heard someone say.

I stared at the front door of the strip club. How I had been talked into this I have no idea. I would never want to do this in a million years. My friends had to forcefully drag me here to ever get me to go…. And by “drag” , some may say is an overstatement, and some people might also say it was was “my idea” to go to a strip club, but those people are filthy liars!

When I walked into the lobby of the club it was like going into one of those really scary Halloween Haunted Houses. The ones you know you want to go one , just to experience it, but at the same time, you have no clue what’s going to happen to you once you enter and you kept telling yourself, you are at the state fair for God’s Sake and the only scary thing inside there is some flashing lights and a pot bellied man named Bingo who runs the haunted trailer. It was like the midnight thrill ride at Spooky Town, except without the Silence of the Lambs facemasks. (Do not even pretend like you haven’t been to Spooky Town)

I walked up to the front desk.

“30 dollars,” the woman behind the counter said.

“30 Dollars! 30 dollars! But I’m a girl!” I screamed. “I’ve seen girl parts before! I have my own! I can see myself naked all the time if I want!”

She just went back to filing her nails, rolling her eyes, “30 dollars” she repeated.

I didn’t pay 30 dollars last week for a button up green blouse at The GAP yet, I’m offering up 30 bucks to see Candy rip off her edible thong and throw it over my face. Perfect.

I took out money from my pocket and placed it on the counter.

After arriving I agreed to please my guy friends and let one of the strippers eat a dollar bill out of my bra. I figured it was like doing charity work and I could probably write it off in next year’s taxes.

As she approached me she was swinging her hips around and had on nothing more than a money garter belt.

“Hi…umm….how are you?” I said. “I like the color of your top…err um, your half-top?”

She looked down at me and smiled.

“Ok, well…see..the thing is..I’ve never been here before..” I started to say.

“What?” she asked, leaning in closer.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB” I screamed over the music.

She smiled at me.

“So …ummm…well…when you eat the dollar bill out of umm, my bra…can you umm…can you not touch me with your boobs please?”

“What?” she asked again, leaning in closer to hear me.

“CAN YOU NOT TOUCH ME WITH YOUR BOOBS PLEASE?” I screamed. …“Please just don’t touch me with your boobs… like when you lean over, can you keep your boobs out of the way? ..I just...well umm..I just don’t want you to touch me with anything…dirty.”

She laughed a bit, “Ok”, she said. “I promise I won’t touch you. Just lean forward.”

I moved in closer and she leaned over and ate out the dollar bill right out of my bra. It was all very skillful too, like she had done it before.
Odd.

I smiled, pulling my black button down sweater up a bit.

I could hear my guy friends howling and clapping.

“Thanks..” I said. “That was ..umm..nice.”

She smiled.

She was just standing there, staring at me awkwardly for a moment.

Is this when I was supposed to talk to the stripper? Was I supposed to engage her in some sort of conversation? I don’t know all the stripper rules yet!

So I just started talking.

ME- “So I have been thinking about investing in my own money garter belt…I mean you never know when you are going to need one of those things right?’

She just stared at me.

ME-“I mean, I feel like I could use it for other things too you know, like to hold my Starbucks around my leg in the morning and what not...”

Blank stare.

ME-“You know it’s funny, I never realize how hard it is to talk to women, cause you talk to men and it’s like blah blah blah I have boobs, I win the conversation….know what I’m sayin sista!”

More blank staring.

ME-“I bought this sweater from Old Navy.”

HER-“You work in the Navy?”

ME- “Umm….yeah.”

Stripper walks away.