SELFABSORBED.ME

My Sober Mind and My Drunk Mind

have a conversation:

Sober Mind: Wow this bar kinda of sucks, it's not very crowded, there isn't even anyone here that is that good looking..

Drunk Mind: What are you talking about lady?! I just passed three hotties on my way to the bar!

SM: Um are you talking about the two French Canadians wearing Wayne's World t Shirts and their mom?

DM: YES HELLO! WAKE UP! GRAB A PENIS!

SM: grab a what..ok stop, seriously stop, put your hands down, I don’t think throwing your hands up in the air in a fit of joy is going to get you anyone…no no, stop dancing, I don’t think there is a dance floor here...

DM: But they are playin my music!

SM: They are playing Rod Stewart.

DM Exactly.

SM: (sigh)

DM: And what are you talking about Ladymarmalade?! There’s a dance floor right here, and I can tell that hot guy is looking at me from across the room... he wants THIS...

SM: That is a lesbian.

DM: Think I should go dance with him?

SM: ahh, no, that is definitely a lesbian.

DM: A thespian? I fucking love actors! I am going to make my way over there…are you coming with me?

SM: Coming with you where? You are sitting on the floor. You can’t sit on the floor you know…

DM: Floor shmore I’m just takin a nap, just a little damn nap, no one will notice me under this stool…

SM: You cant sleep under this stool, and that dude at the bar asked if you could stop petting his leg.

DM: hmmm interesting thought... then what will I lay my head on?

SM: How about we go home?

DM: Ahh yes, let’s go home, but first let me grab the hottie in the corner and bring him with us...

SM: the lesbian?

DM: ahh yes, that will do.

Now I agree with what you are thinking, which is, Kim,this is quite an obvious one! I mean listen, sometimes I just don't need their happy smiling faces on people under the age of 21 trying to "change the world" and other bullshit like that. I prefer my children to be in a gated mall atrium as well.

#3

COUPLES

Somewhere in the bible Jesus is quoted as saying something along the lines of , "People in love will be killed by a thunderbolt!" Now you can go ahead and try and correct me if you think I am wrong, but listen , Jesus and I are tight, and I know that even if he didn't get that quote mentioned in there, I know he was thinking it.

#4

The scene in the Lion King when they sing Circle of Life and present the baby

Now I don't know about you, but this does not make me cry, this doesn't even give me tingles all over my entire body (especially my knees) ...and not only that but it doesn't even give me tingles and make my eyes well up with hot tears when I am staring at simply this picture right now. Damn you LION KING! DAMN YOU!

#5

ahh....Did I mention Children?

Want to know what I want to see when I look out my back window? Asphalt. Lots and lots of asphalt. And possibly a homeless person sleeping on it, or some chalk outline bodies...or maybe even trash, how about some good ol' trash? When I look out my window and I see cement and a person frozen to concrete.... I know I am home.

“Mom..do you mean AOL?"

• It frightens me now that Facebook has a suggestion box called , “People you MAY know.”..how the hell does Facebook know I might know these people? ...Listen to me Mr. Facebook, you don’t know nothin' about who I MIGHT know.

• I am bothered by Itunes now making suggestions as to what artist or song I am looking for. The minute I start typing in the search box it makes guesses for me, such as when I typed in “AM” it started flashing, did you MEAN Amy Winehouse? America’s Next Top Model? Amy Adams? America?...How about you stop damn rushing me ITunes? What, you got plans or something to do so you feel like rushing me? You got some big Itunes orgy to attend to after this that? Or some Itunes Tupperware party you're late for? Stop friggen rushing me, I don’t like humans completing my sentences, let alone computer programs with 7.0 frames.

• Why does Kaza keep coming back to me like a bad ex boyfriend? I know it does bad things to my hard drive, infecting it with viruses I cannot rid of, so why do I keep going back? I keep deleting it, telling Kaza to just stay away from me, but sure enough months later , I can't seem to find the new Britney single and I know Kaza has it, I can just feel it, I know getting back with it will only give me yet another virus I cant get rid of, but I always tell myself, just one night, I will just do it for one night and then never again. Fuck you Kaza! Fuck you and you’re huge…umm…song selection!

• Why is MySpace the most ghetto website on the web?MySpace is like that trashy friend you keep around just to make you feel better about yourself..."well hey life isn't so bad, Krystal just got pregant by her cousin!" Myspace is for everyone who never went to school, works as a hairdresser and strips on the weekends GhettoSpace has become so old news I had to delete mine. I couldn’t even stand to get comments anymore, people would comment on my page and I would get angry just looking at them, all I could think was “comments are so 2006!” And why do people who are in relationships write on each other's pages? "Hey George too bad you couldn’t get it up last night, but I really am impressed with your HTML skills!”

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”
Jack Handy quote

I don’t know if many of you 'basic humans’ out there know about my serious psychic ability. There have been times that my ESP has come out of nowhere…like yesterday when I had this odd craving for peanut butter and I opened the cabinet and sure enough my roommate had bought a jar of peanut butter. Or there was the even freakier time when I had a feeling my ex boyfriend was about to dump me and just moments later police were pulling me from outside of his bushes telling me how I should have “read” the restraining order a little more closely.

But today I am going to bless you all with my psychic abilities and do all of your horoscopes, because that is the kind of fucking generous person that I am …

HOROSCOPES FOR THE

WEEK OF APRIL 1, 2008

That is actually me..it's a photograph...my armpits are pretty hairy

Aries March 21 - April 19

You have serious promise this week to eat. And not to just eat, but to eat actual food. To put it in your mouth and taste it. And then swallow it. And then to take a huge shit.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The moon and the stars align themselves and you will find yourself laughing and laughing…until you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “What the fuck are YOU laughing at?” and realize that maybe it’s time to stop snorting your percoets.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Some say that you have complete control over your own destiny..This week you will have complete control over the Duane Reade Photobooth attendant...named Destiny.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

A lover will test your limits this week…and you will find that maybe dressing up as Dorothy Mantooth bent over a metal table chair isn’t as difficult as originally thought.

Leo July 23 - August 22

This week when people tell you to feel the warmth in your heart....let them feel the warmth in you right palm and punch them in the fucking face.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You feel that big changes are in store for you..... I see sock changes, underwear changes and even pant changes.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Some people have a way with the opposite sex…you have a way with cage animals and low-grade lighting.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

This week you will find yourself completely submerged…it will be hot water pouring all over you and some people might call it a “shower”.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Always remember two thorns in a bush is like a stone in hand and a stone …wait…what? What the fuck does that mean?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You will find yourself in silent reflection…in the mirror taking new MySpace pictures of yourself because you’re such a douche.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Some people tell you this week they will help you get through tough times…ask them where they were last week during your four-day constipation.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

The moon aligns with the earth this week to provide you with two important things…"daytime”..and “nighttime”.

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From: ME
To: JBOY
Date: Jun 26, 2007
8:57 AM

Attached is a picture of the girl you tried to hook up with in the club….the one in the middle...seriously JBoy…I TOLD YOU to look at her face…I told you she was not cute but you were drunk and refused to listen to me…

From: JBOY
To: ME
Date: Jun 26, 2007
9:06 AM

WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!

…SHE’S NASTY!....wait from the club last weekend?

No way Kim, no way..

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From: Friend1 yaddyyaddyyaddy@yahoo.com
To: Me blahblahblah&@gmail.com
Jan 19 2008
1:05 PM

Dude, I can't stand school any more. I just can't….tell me a funny story about hooking up with a boy immediately…must get my mind off of school.

From: Me blahblahblah&@gmail.com
To: Friend1 yaddyyaddyyaddy@yahoo.com
Jan 19 2008
1:18 PM

I cannot believe you had an exam yesterday...that is horse-shit!

so went out to Smishsmorshion with my girls after work....well about three or four (or six) margaritas later and I decide it would be a GREAT idea to call Jorge...so I call him and he answers and he starts telling about how he is SO sorry he hasn't called in the past weeks and how he misses me and how I am his “universe” , and he “loves” me and blah blah blah …so I say, " Jorge! Stop talking! Sweet Jesus stop talking! I'm drunk! Get your ass over here!" (I have a way with the men-folk) ....so sure enough ten minutes later Jorge arrives. My friends find some guys with bow-ties and decide it’s time to hit the road, which is normally what I think when I see Bow-Ties as well…This leaves the two of us sitting at the bar alone...he gets up to go to the bathroom and I decide to check my phone...This is when I notice The Male Ballerina has text'd me ten times asking where I am...so I text him back I am at Shmishmorshion…he texts back "Ok, coming..on my way." ...this is when I almost vomit on the bar...I frantically text him back , "No! Don’t come! I am not there anymore, I left! I don’t even go to Shmishmorshion!"...(nice save Kimmie) .....so he texts back "Well where are you going?"...to which I don’t respond....Jorge and I stay there until 1am....I notice The Male Ballerina texting me, but again I do not respond ....At 1am I decide to go home leaving Jorge at the bar ..alone… (Heaven, here I come!)...walking home I text The Male Ballerina and he meets me halfway and comes back to my place.

...and that is how you rule the world.

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From: ME

To: JBOY
Date:Feb 2, 2008

10:04 AM

Thanks for trying to set me up with your buddy Rick for the 7th time..

From: JBOY

To: ME
Date: Feb 2, 2008

11:16 AM

Well you were gonna get lazy-eyed Joe, but now Rick it is!! He's definitely single and ready to mingle!

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Everything I need to know about men I have learned from my Nephew:

Playing street hockey in my brother’s basement with my nephew, I reached my stick out to swat at the puck in front of him. “Penalty Box!” He cried out, pointing at me.

“Penalty Box?! “ I said back, throwing my stick up in the air. “Why a penalty?! What penalty? I didn’t cause a penalty!”

“Auntie Kim...” He said slowly...” We are playing pretend…” And looked at me like the idiot I am.

An hour later, we were involved in a serious game of playdough when he asked me for the purple dough. “But I am using the purple for my grapes cause I can't use pink!” I said.

“Auntie Kim?”

“Yes?”

“You don’t play pretend very well.”

And the truth was, he was right. I don’t play pretend very well. And as my nephew was teaching me…the key to pleasing a man is always to play pretend.

Pretending you are interested in sports when you may not be… pretending you want to share food even when you don’t… pretending to be in love with someone whom you pray daily gets hit by a moving vehicle.

Funny thing is I used to play pretend so well, I could fake anything, in fact I pretended so well I actually pretended my way through two whole relationships. There should be a category for things like that at the Emmys.

“Sure I love SportsCenter.. I love it so much in fact I bet I could actually fall asleep listening to it.”

“No I don’t mind that you go to Scores on Saturdays. I think it’s great that you donate so much of your money to the local stripping women of the community who are clearly just trying to pay their way through college.”

“The waitress at your local bar has big boobs? Really? Hmm, funny I never noticed.”

In the middle of our second playdough date I reached over and grabbed one of his dough-oranges. “Mmmm this is some good fruit salad!” I said, air-munching the orange.

“Auntie Kim?"

“Yes?"

“That is just a pretend orange.”

“Damnit, I knew that.”

“Auntie...we are not allowed to swear.”

Damnit.