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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Shit'on, We Have A Problem

So I am going to see a boy this weekend. A real live boy. Not even an imaginary one I made up in my head. I will be staying with him in his house...yes, house...that he owns. I know I know, us city folk have no concept of 'homes' or 'owning' ...he told me has a lawn, and that actual animals live there, like squirrels and birds and what not. I am confused by this whole "lawn" thing, so I asked, "you mean the gated area where homeless people sleep?" And he said, "no", that there are actually no homeless people sleeping on his lawn. Odd. I found this to be an interesting concept.

Regardless I am getting distracted from the real point of this conversation. The point being that I am going to be living, eating , sleeping at his place for three whole days, there arising one very important question. A question pertaining to the meaning of life and Jesus and God and what-have-you...and that is....where am I going to shit?

Honestly. Where? I am going to have to go undercover and be the 007 of all shitting. He can't know that I shit! He just can't! What will he think of me?!

So I have started to route out maps and plans in my head. Plans of possible "shitting times" and "shitting areas". All so that it can do down in complete secrecy.

Let us start with restaurants. I figure anytime we eat out, go to Starbucks, ect...that is a perfect time for me to tell him I have to use the bathroom. Like maybe tell him I have to go 'powder my nose'. For real. Men still fall for that 'nose powder' line right? Or wait, is that only cocaine users? See, fuck, I am screwing up the Shitting Plan already!

The other option is right before I take a shower. I an have the water running and the scents from my shampoo are likely to fumigate away any trace of actual shitting to have occurred. But herein lies problem #1- What if he asks to join me in the shower? What the fuck do I do then?! Tell him I have a no shower buddy policy? Tell him he doesn't want to see my massive burn wounds? Hmm, I have to work on this one.

Problem #2 lies in the fact that I am a serial toilet clogger. For real, I can clog any well plumb'ed (is that a word?)toilet across any Continent. There is not a single toilet I have yet to overflow. So do I bring a plunger with me? Stick it in my carry on just to be on the safe side? What if airport security open my bags and want to know why I have an industrial strength plunger with me? What if I am arrested for trying to bring an industrial plunger on the plane and The Boy has to come pick me up from the airport in handcuffs and then they will tell him my entire shitting-life-story?!

Seriously, I am starting to lose sleep over this whole shitting thing. I am starting to think it's best if I just stop eating today and only resume eating after the trip to avoid shitting all together...

17 Cizz-omments:

Anonymous said...

f he has a guest bathroom, i say use that when HE is in the shower.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I have a few points:

First, definitely use another bathroom in the house when he is showering. HOWEVER, guys do not shower longer, so you'll have to produce an insta-shit.

Second, dropping a duece while the shower is running is a great idea. He'll get the idea if the door is locked or unlocked

Third, if he is a smart guy, he should know that he needs to leave the house in the morning to get coffee, which allows you the necessary amount of time to flush your system.

Frankly, Scarlett said...

Ok, #1. run the water in the sink while you go. #2. It's a HOUSE not an apartment so I'm pretty sure there's more than one bathroom?? Go to the most secluded area. #3. avoid fruit all weekend - pretty much avoid fiber. #4. No Olestra (so no light chips, pringles, etc.) #5. Restaurants are always a good idea.

Good luck, soldier!

surviving myself said...

i think most women are toilet cloggers. They try and hide it, but it's true.

well, some of them try and hide it.

DCD said...

Firstly, the whole going while out of his house is the wrong move...unless you crap as quickly as you can pee, we know what's up. Even worse, the only time men truly think is when sex is involved, and if you take an extended amount of time he may think you're on the rag.

The idea of going while he's in the shower is ideal, but can you time your BMs to sync up with his showers?

The absolute perfect moment though is after you have sex, which of course could be some uncomfortable sex, because once he's done and you do the typical "girl runs into the bathroom" thing, he won't care what you're doing in there and will probably be asleep by the time you get back...

But realistically, just go when you need to and if it takes some time, just say you thought you felt nauseous from whatever you ate earlier that day and close with you're fine now.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

wow, i have to say you all have seriously good suggestions and I feel like you put a lot of time and energy into your shitting suggestions....ok so the majority of you are saying wait until my shower time or until we are out somewhere at a restaurant?? I can tell the whole' him showering' is a fast process, although I feel like a good 3 or 4 minutes might be fine, no?

Ha Ha Sound said...

Just take an entire 24-count box of Imodium. You won't shit again until 2009.

modelbehavior said...

This is so funny I can't even take it seriously, although it's a serious matter. Next week I'm posting the funniest I shat and a guys house story ever. That's a promise.

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Heather said...

Try to coordinate it with when you take a shower, so the shower will be running and all of your hygiene products will cover any smell.

Otherwise, invest in Poo-Pourri (www.poopourri.net). I've never personally used it, but it sounds fascinating.

ZenDenizen said...

You's a brave girl posting this. Here's another vote for shower time...

sid said...

LOL! I am glad that I'm not the only one who has actually come up with shitting plans and routes. I generally wake up at an ungodly hour to take a dump ... Then take a shower.

sid said...

You could send him to the shop to buy you some coffee? Donuts? Something that will give you some time to be alone and clear up the stench and evidence.

MsPuddin said...

cant you just hold it??

Man I feel you though, because I sh*t like three times a day. Do the shower thing and lock the door..don't forget to curtasy flush.

Oh! and bring baby wipes..;p

MsP

Anonymous said...

so how did it go? I personally tried to dump shampoo in the toilet once, to create a fragrant lather, but it was so weird that I just came out of the bathroom and said, "hey, i just pooped, and i tried to cover it up by putting shampoo in the toilet to cover up the smell." And he married me.

Heather said...

^That's the best thing I've ever heard.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

I agreee with Heather...ANON that was a seriously amazing story right there...