SELFABSORBED.ME

Walking my roommate to yet another date (no I did not go on it with her, I only walked there cause it was on my way to the bookstore although I bet that dude would have been stoked to have two English majors grinding his ass) we talked about the feelings she was experiencing walking there, about to meet some guy who could possibly be her future boyfriend. The feelings we came up with were: fear, dread and nausea. Why are all first dates so fucking bad? Even when they are good they are bad. Welcome to the worst interview of your life, the one where you have to be charming and witty, and smell good and not fart. I mean it’s so much pressure I get a little bit of back vomit just thinking about it. I have a ‘marrying’ list, of all the men in my life who I have resume myself to marry when I get to the “scary age” ("75") ... I do this mostly so I will never have to go on a first date ever again. I plan on scanning the list drunk one night with my eyes closed... point my finger and whomever it lands on gets a phone call and a flight to Vegas (accompanied by lots of date rape drugs of their choice- remember those horror stories back in the 90’s of people getting drugged at bars and the next morning waking up in a tub full of ice with their kidney’s stolen for money? Well those are the kind of drugs I am talking about). John is keeping his fingers crossed right at this very moment that he is the lucky choosen one.

I have been on enough first dates to teach a class on them (I normally carry around some library microfiche and a projector at all times anyway). Here is my list of Dating Do’s and Don’ts coming first hand from a real expert…and by ‘a real expert’ I do mean ‘a real asshole’.

Dating Don’ts:

- Don’t talk about yourself. I don’t care about your job, your education, your money, that you were adopted from “Korea”.. blah blah blah….I do care that you laugh at my jokes, ask me about my job, my education, and how I was adopted from the “Mall of America”
- Change the rule above from, “don’t talk about yourself” to just “don’t talk”. All women really want out of life is a good looking mute anyway. The only time I will ever enjoy your voice is when it is screaming my name later covered in a bathtub of jello. So until I start boiling the sugar water, just shut it.
- Don’t wear anything that is too outdoorsy. No construction boots. Just don’t. I don’t have time to even get into explaining this one. I don’t even think there are enough words in the universe that can go into explaining this one. And don’t wear anything from LLBean. Are we chopping wood and whittling a toothpick into a stool?... No? …Swimming wild rapids with salmon swimming upstream?... No? …Eating bear meat from inside a tree-bark tent and shitting in a dirt hole? …No? …Then just don’t.
- Change the rule above from “don’t wear anything too outdoorsy” to, “don’t wear anything”. I prefer my men to just show up naked ready to go. (Editor’s note- this also helps enforce rule number 1, the no talking rule).

Dating Do’s

- Do lie to make yourself seem like a much more attractable kind of person. Women love it when men lie, they practically force you to lie. The more lies the better. Women can't handle the truth, so the more lies you can produce the more you are on your way to a successful relationship. Example: - “ Yeah so I work at Morgan Stanley... yup, made the twenty thousand bonus just last week….I didn’t take it though…gave it all to charity…the charity for battered women living in the city….Yeah I live in a penthouse place…but I house homeless people there on weekends…either there or I let them sleep in my Porsche…”… See how the lie was so much cooler?

- Do be an asshole. Women LOVE assholes. Take it from me, the more you insult me, beat me down, the more I will want to know you. No woman wants a nice guy. Nice guys are beige, And nothing is worse then beige….except maybe beige with white trim…but that is a whole OTHER story.

I hope you have learned something today about life and living. And that you can come back and give me a full report on your dating experiences and how I ultimately changed your life. Some people call me “Kim” and others confuse my name for “Guru”… take that as you will.