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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Love Your Job?...God Doesn't Like Liars...



Four years ago, I have on some Express boot-cut black pants and I am standing on 10th Avenue and 58th Street, staring at this huge garage door, holding a VHS tape. I was supposed to deliver this tape to the address, but the address they gave me lead to a huge warehouse door and there was this doorbell, about 15 feet above me. Presumably only usable by drivers in large trucks. I stood there for a good fifteen minutes just staring at the doorbell, imaging that I need some kind of special bread like Alice in Wonderland to become tall enough to hit that bell. How the hell was I supposed to deliver this tape if I couldn’t even figure out how to go in the door? I had edited a tape that was supposed to be submitted for a News segment airing at 4pm. It was now 1pm and as I stood staring at the garage, I remember thinking I was going to have to quit work right then and there. I thought about just leaving the tape on the ground and not returning to the news station. Just running down 10th street screaming, "I hate work! And I hate the news!" But then I remembered I had left my sandwich at my desk. So that was a no-go.

Every job I ever had, I sat staring at my computer going, “Fuck..there has GOT to be something else better then this…” But truth be told. I am not so sure there is. If you are one of those people who claim to “love” their job, then you are what I like to call, “A Dirty Liar”.

Even people who seemingly have the coolest jobs hate their job. In my last job I hated my boss so much that whenever I would get her coffee I would put three extra Equal packets in it, in the hopes that she would become diabetic.

I wish that was a joke, but unfortunately, it's not.

One of my first internships ever I actually taught at a local junior high. Yes, me a teacher. I know. What was I thinking? I can’t stand children, mainly because they can’t drink and I have a problem with people who are not alcoholics. Regardless, I taught a writing class and in between classes I used to walk to the back lawn and pound my head against a tree hoping it might split open and I wouldn’t have to go back to that dirty Satan hole people called, “a school”.

In college I worked at a well known restaurant in midtown and one afternoon a mouse scurried across the floor and the manager actually yelled at me about the mouse. Yelled at me. “Kim how dare you let that mouse get out!” Let the mouse get out? Like , I was keeping him up fucking skirt or something?

Two years ago I worked editing radio contracts and one day some radio head called me absolutely frantic that the radio contest rules were not edited yet and how were they supposed to give away their, “FREE BEACH BALL IF YOU DON’T FINISH THESE FUCKING RULES BEFORE NOON?!”…Some people work on heart cavities..I make sure beach balls get raffled. Mother fucker.

Even now I find that no one I speak with enjoys their job and mainly those who have a “higher” education, including Law School and a PhD. Something about knowing more about the world makes you want to jump off a building apparently.

Every week I decide that I want to do something different. Write for more magazines. Write for less magazines. When I was 12 I wanted to be a veterinarian, whatever happened to that dream? What if we all had followed our dreams when we were 12? I would be married to Billy Organ, a Horse Veterinarian and I would own 10 unicorns.

This woman looks way too excited to be doing her job and that dog seems quite pissed
at Dr Lady Man-Hands here...
But hey, maybe I would have been happy?

Even if I could ‘Imagine” the perfect job I would probably get tired of it after awhile. I used to tell my dad I was going to quit everything and move to South Beach and become a towel-girl at the The Delano Hotel. My dad would lose it every time, as though I was really going to do it. He used to get so mad and say things like, “I paid for 4 years of college so that you could go hand towels to Puff Daddy?!” And then I would have to correct him about the whole , ‘P-Diddy’ thing and that would lead to a whole OTHER conversation.

Think of the coolest job you can think of. For example, - A sports editor, who gets to travel for free to sports games, he helps plan huge parties for big athletes then gets to go to all the parties and hang with celebrities…well guess what…I know him, I know a guy who does that very job, and he hates it. Yes fucking hates it. I know a girl who is top notch at Michael Kors and travels the world…some days she confesses she would rather have her eyes burned out by a hot poker.
My point is, if you hate your job, or sit at work thinking, “there MUST be something better.” I am here to tell you …there isn’t.

But if you find Billy Organ anywhere and he happens to have a farm with 10 unicorns and an extra vet license..you let me know.

20 Cizz-omments:

StunnedintheCity said...

After reading this, I'm kind of overwhelmed with mix of joy and sorrow, like the first time I watched "Forrest Gump." As someone fresh out of college, desperately seeking a job, I'm beginning to just search for something I KNOW I'm going to hate so I'm not horribly disappointed and let down when my supposed dream job becomes my worst nightmare. Thanks for cushioning the blow.

Bangs and a Bun said...

Oh dude - I soooo needed to read this today. You could not be more on point. Thank you, thank you. *high five*

Cunning_Linguist said...

Anything you have to do is something you don't want to do. Like ice cream sundaes? Cool, me too. Now sit there and eat this one and you can't even get up for a pee until it's gone. No excuses. How about long walks on the beach? Even better.... *grabs your arm and folds it over his*.. we'll be walking exactly 4 miles and strolling all the way. No stopping and drowning yourself is not an option. Get my point yet?

Things are only fun ( and actually, you have time for ) when it is something you want to do, not when you have to do it. You can be running an hour late for work at any given point. Ever been an hour late for a kegger when you were in party mode? I didn't think so.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Yes...I thoroughly dislike my job.

The 2 jobs that I would never get bored with are:

1) Professional Poker player

2) Some job where I travel with the Bruins only (although I suppose I could get bored with them if they win/lose all the time

BTW, who is Billy Organ? Do you mean Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins? If so, my older sister already has dibs.

JanelleGrace said...

I know what I want to do for a living. It's the actual doing it part that is hard.

But this post hit me at a bad/good time because I hate my job with a passion, it's boring, they barely pay me anything, and more than anything, my boss continues to make remarks on how I only answer the phone when in reality, I am the office manager, accounts payable, receptionist, office assistant, basically everything.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to be a vet too actually! I dont know why...maybe its something about not having to work with people per say.

Kat said...

I am clearly having a job hate day now as well. And to be honest it always makes me want to go back to school, especially law school, even though I know lawyers are the most miserable people!

ZenDenizen said...

It's so true! There are no glamour jobs because if you get paid to do something as a professional, it must suck by definition. If you get paid to suck then you are a different kind of professional altogether.

Lioux said...

[gasp] I LOOOOOVVVVVEEEE UNICORNS!

I even got one Temporary Tattooed on my wrist when I went to the Temporary Tattoo Parlor last year on the road with my band Sister Kisser®™©™.

Lioux said...

Oh.

And is Billy Organ®™©™ the singer/guitarist for Smashing Umpkins®™©™?!

Billy Organ®™©™ said...

The world is an Ampire.

T.P. said...

HAAAAAAA This is great, although you totally stole my south beach idea, my dream is to go down to SOBE, and sell sunglasses on the beach, I figure I work all year to head to places where I can get a tan, why not work there and have a tan all year long!! I am looking for a seashell girl , if the whole towel thing doesn't pan out lol...

Subway Gal said...

I just watched Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay last night and now I looooove unicorns!!

Steph said...

There have been days I've contemplated calling in bomb threats (I've worked out the details), making myself pass out (I work in an ER - we have the medications to make this possible) or even trying to catch pink eye just so I didn't have to go to work... I am so happy to hear my sentiment shared round the world.

Thanks for this post.

surviving myself said...

But Unicorns are known to be divas, so you'd end up hating that job too.

Heather said...

I wouldn't say I love it, but I actually don't mind my job. I think that's due partially to the fact that no one knows what I do so they leave me alone, and partially because I've lowered my standards.

After working in a support call center for 2 years, I'm just thrilled to have a job where no one threatens me or curses at me.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

I AM LAUGHING AT EVERYONE'S COMMENTS RIGHT NOW...WHY IS EVERYONE SO DAMN FUNNY...WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO, RUN MY HILARITY OFF THE ROAD, STOP BEING FUNNIER THEN ME DAMNIT!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ stunned- no problem, your first job out of college is like your first love, you prob wont be together all that long before one of your ends up crying and/or a drunk...

@bangs and bun- i just mentally high fived you right back..

@cunning- ugh long walks on the beach, just thinking about doing that for 4 mins, let alone 4 miles makes me ill..

@Joc- dont all professional poker players lose their wives and gf's as a result? haha and NO it was billy organ damnit, but who knows maybe he changed it to corgan and i am seriously missing the boat...

@jan- i suddenly have the urge to punch your boss in the face..

@anon- YES! vets are the coolest..

@Kat- every lawyer i know is f-in unhappy and will be forever..

@zen- this is a good point...and im sure even if you got paid to do the other job it would seem a whole lot more like WORK..

@lio- unicorns are silly and sad all at the same time

@billy- where have you been hiding?!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@tp- yes, i promise i will go be your seashell gal...

@subwaygal- i seriously think i just choked on my coffee..that was hysterical
@steph- no problem, no lets forget the pink eye and discuss the kinds of drugs one CAN get from the ER... and actually, i think your job is at least exciting!

@surv- I love how you know all the little known facts of life..

@ heather- yes, not being threatened on a daily basis might make for a better day i would assume..

modelbehavior said...

You just wanted to write about unicorns, didn't you!