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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Drunk Girl



My first year out of college, I had the pleasure of taking up a guest bartending job at a popular midtown bar. Not only did the bartending experience give me great insight into the world of making Malibu Baybreezes …but it also taught me very invaluable lessons about the natural habits of drunk women.

It was like watching gorillas in their natural habitat, untouched by mankind and running wild. It wasn’t the men per say that were running around like frat boys, but more so the women, dressed in a 3 dollar tops, carrying 300 dollar handbags.

And who can blame them?

Women have to have JOBS now AND be EDUCATED. I don’t know who made these rules, but clearly having to be educated and employed are causing huge problems in the female society, mainly involving sobriety.What happened to the good old days when women couldn’t vote? I bet those women were sober.

Around 3:45am every weekend at the end of my shift, it became inevitable that some chic was going to be the last one left in the bar , still trying to pick the bartender. Normally she would be eyeing me as though I was the only thing standing between her and the scruffy faced McGee to my right.

He’s all yours.” I used to whisper into their diamond clad ears and walk away.

She would sit, legs sprawled across her bar stool. Trying to remember her Ex’s cell number. You could hear her mumbling something along the lines of, “978-6..978-5….no, fuck, mother fucker…

And do you know who that girl is?

Yes you do.

She is ‘Drunk Girl’.

All of you know Drunk Girl. In fact, most of you have been Drunk Girl at one point or another.
Drunk Girl is the girl sitting in the corner of the bar waving her arms around, telling a story to…well… to no one.

She is wearing a tank top that is always about to reveal her left boob and some sort of Mardi Gras beads around her neck. Where did she get the Mardi Gras beads? Who knows! Why is she wearing them? Who cares! She has squinty eyes and believes the mascara running down her face is giving her a smoldering, sexy look. She thinks she is sexy. Actually, she thinks she is dead sexy. You always catch her trying to balance her head on her hand in a playful come-hither way and in reality she looks more like a toddler who fell asleep taking a shit.

Drunk Girl always has a million of glasses around her, yet has no fucking idea which cup she has been drinking out of. Her shit is everywhere…keys, cell phone, money, wallet, it’s all scattered either beneath her stool, in her lap, or on the bar. She can’t keep track of anything, but she will become violent if you try and touch any of it.

Drunk Girl has an obsession with her cell phone and is always shouting something like, “BUT I JUSH WANTS TO MAKE A PONE CHALL!”

Drunk Girl normally has a posse of friends surrounding her with some sorority chic explaining, “Kelly Cat! Totally listen to me for one sec…He totally wants to talk to you, but he is like going to go home with Jenny cause like you’re like a mess, but like don’t think he doesn’t like LIKE you like that because maybe he does like you LIKE THAT but just not right now…” Which as we know, makes PERFECT sense to Drunk Girl. Who is still trying to figure out what the hell the 978 number is.

Drunk Girl will sit there, clutching her cell phone, staring at everyone as though they all just spoke to her in Swahili yelling, “BUT I JUSH WANTS TO MAKE A PONE CHALL!”

Drunk Girl will then try and leave the bar and will wave cabs down the in the middle of the street like she is Matador in front of some Goddamn bulls. She always has on one shoe, the other shoe is always either broken or off in the street, about two inches away from being hit by a few yellow cabs.

When Drunk Girl comes to the bar, the shit show officially begins. And no matter how drunk YOU are, you always look at Drunk Girl and go, “Wow, I will never look as drunk as her,” as you hop off the bar in your mini skirt and go outside to catch a cab.

13 Cizz-omments:

Kat said...

hahah kim i can seriously picture you staring at these girls from across the bar...

Lioux said...

I am sometimes Drunk Girl's masked sidekick, Tipsy McGiggles.

Oh. and FYI...Sister Kisser®™©™ is touring NYC for the night of August 15th. And then we'll be touring the city again the night of September 6th.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

You must have been that girl once or twice.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Kat- if you can only imagine...

@ li- haha TIPSY MCGIGGLES, that is priceless, I may have to steal that...Ok I am seriously going to try and check out your TOUR DATES

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ JOC-..oh WAY MORE then a couple times... ;)

Ha Ha Sound said...

I once got punched by a really drunk girl in a bar. For no reason. I didn't even known who she was.

Cunning_Linguist said...

You think it's bad being drunk girl? Try getting talked to death and being hit on/ loved by drunk girl. So much entertainment value I tip the bartender extra just because I feel guilty. Get snagged by drunk girl and you will no doubt have the whole gamut of relationship right there in about 3-4 hours. ( In her eyes ) Meet, fall in love, get bored, start hating and by the end of it all you're the insensitive prick she swears she never wants to see any more. All without you, the man, ever saying a word or looking at her. Fun fun fun.

modelbehavior said...

so true about the shoe thing...and the one boob almost always falling out thing. you suspiciously know too much which means YOU ARE HER!!!

TP said...

I LOVE THE DRUNK GIRL!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@haha- wow, you got punched, that a bit intense even for a drunk girl..

@cunning- haha that was amazing, and so very true, I have prob done that in about 3 hours myself..

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@model- yes, this is quite true sad to say...

@TP- I know you do!!

Subway Gal said...

I'm ashamed to admit that I used to (like all through colleges and two years after) be Drunk Girl! You could never pry that cell phone out of my hand. However, thankfully, I'm slightly older and a tad smarter now that I can sit at the bar and laugh at Drunk Girls :)They will eventually learn.

i like cheese said...

I know I'm totally late on this drunk girl bandwagon but holy crap, I never laughed so hard. And the boob falling out of the tube top. Yea. I have the pictures to prove it. Ok, not a proud moment, I admit. But everyone's gotta be drunk girl in their lifetime, right?