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Monday, June 9, 2008

Turn the Lights Down

So let’s turn down the lights a bit. Get some candles going. Set the mood. Close your eyes…but wait, no keep them open and keep reading…so move your body around a bit. You hear some Usher starting to play softly in the background…You want to, “Make love in this club (what?!) ..In this club (Who?!) …In this club (where?! ).. In this club…”

Ok yeah, so you are standing there and he enters the room, wearing nothing but a…well..ok a Speedo, but still, hey I am not saying anything…because he is damn Michael Phelps and he just got done winning the Gold Medal in the Backstroke for you! All for you damnit!


So he walks over to you and you cant help but stare at his legs,

...his thighs…his umm “other Phelps”…those hip bones…those pelvic bones…that stomach…that belly button…that ribcage…those hands..those arms….damn his shoulders...his collar bone…his Adam's apple…his….. ..HOLY CHRIST JESUS SWEET LORD..WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! …his face? Sweet Jesus say that is not his face! That cant be that just can’t be…ok calm down, breathe, breathe, just keep breathing and look at his stomach move down to his stomach again…

Ok good, good, relax, look at those pelvic bones…nice..oookay nice…doing well, oh yeah…that waist..that tight smooth skin..

and you just want to grab his arms and wrap them around his body and pull him down to you…until his body is next to yours and you look up and notice his SWEET HONEY BEARS IN VEGAS WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH HIS FACE…I DON’T UNDERSTAND…HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE..HOW COULD A GOOD GOD BE SO CRUEL…..OK EYES DOWNWARD... EYES. DOWN. WARD…LOOK . DOWN. LOOK DOWN NOW!

Ok ok, wait until the vomit subsides…ok, swallow back the vomit and stare at those legs…ok , you ok? Are we ok now? Ok good...Staring at the legs again? Ok , yes let the nausea pass…ok good, look at those calves, and those hamstring…yum? Ok good, now…oh don’t look up…
HOLY HELL WHAT HAPPENED, SOMEONE PLEASE BURN MY EYES WITH CHLORINE AND AMMONIUM CONCENTRATE I CANT STAND TO LOOK AT THIS FACE ANYMORE….

10 Cizz-omments:

Kat said...

OMG i am seriously dying laughing right now

Pepster said...

That is absolutely hysterical.

Anonymous said...

haha i have ALWAYS thought that about that poor kids face

surviving myself said...

I still think he's cute.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

I mean I guess on some level I still think he is hot..but damn that face is a killer..

So@24 said...

"SOMEONE PLEASE BURN MY EYES WITH CHLORINE AND AMMONIUM CONCENTRATE I CANT STAND TO LOOK AT THIS FACE ANYMORE…."

I wonder how many girls say this about me...

Give 'Em Hell Harry said...

As Grandma used to say, that boy's face could stop a clock.

But I really wish the wife would stop drooling when his swimming pictures pop up in a magazine. Doesn't do a lot for the old self esteem.

surviving myself said...

Uh, I was being sarcastic. I'm not gay!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ so- you boys and your low self esteem!

@ harry- dont worry, im sure its just his body, and all you need is 8 hours a day in a pool to get that body so i am sure you are well on your way

@surv- listen, aint no shame in playin the game...im not quite sure what that means but you can say he is cute if you want to say he is cute...thats all im sayin..

Jocular Schlemiel said...

That was wicked funny