SELFABSORBED.ME

So the holidays can be a very confusing time in a relationship. So many things going on, decisions as whether to meet the parents, not meet the parents, exchange gifts, not exchange gifts…normally I do the right thing and make sure to break up right before the holidays and then quickly resume the relationship after new years is over. Listen, I don’t want to buy you a gift, I don’t even want to kiss you during New Years. I want to spend my new years how most people spend it, drunk in a dirty bar bathroom, puking up yams on the hand towel lady named Rosetta, whom I keep referring to as ‘Ruby Red’.

If you are one of the unlucky people however to be involved in a relationship during this time of the year I think a few Holiday rules need to be laid out.

Rule #1- Thou shall never buy their significant other a ‘vacation’ Buying someone a vacation as a gift is the end of your relationship. It is like playing Russian Roulette with a bad ear infection, you will always lose. My friend Christine bought her boyfriend a trip to the Bahamas, they broke up three weeks later…my friend Adam bought his girlfriend a tip to Aruba and she sleep with his best friend the next night. Trust me, buying someone a vacation as a gift is like giving an 8 year old a loaded handgun, it’s only fun for the first minute or two and then eventually, someone gets hurt.

Rule #2- Thou shall never subject your significant other to your family unless you are married/engaged/under contract. Your family is never as normal as you think they are. In fact they are probably about as amusing as any Tim Allen movie ever created. My parents are the nicest people, but they are still a bunch of conservative republicans, so if you don’t enjoy scotch and a good game of ‘find grandma’s pearls in the oriental rugs’, then I would suggest you not stop by for a visit.

Rule #3- Thou shall never send mutual holiday cards with your significant other. Do you think it’s not bad enough I have to get mutual birthday cards from ‘Both of Us’, please don’t subject me to your holiday happiness as well. And please don’t include on the inside notes how the two of you went around picking apples, or Christmas trees, or making popcorn strands or some shit like that and then sat in your stockings near a fireplaces reading stories from the Bible to each other. Dear Lord Jesus, the card you sent with the sad puppy dog face in a holiday hat was bad enough, I almost vomited up all my red wine and percocets just seeing the damn cover. I don’t need to hear about how you ‘Both Wish Me Peace Love and Joy’…I wish both of you a nasty cause of the bubonic plague if you send me anymore of that shit.