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Monday, November 26, 2007

Why I hate Philadelphia, US Airways and Hot Pockets

I was delayed on a flight out before Christmas during 2005 and then had layover in Philadelphia. When the plane finally boarded, we sat on the runway for an hour before the pilot came on with an overhead announcement “As some of you folks may be aware of, our flight crew is going to be unable to complete this trip due to overtime regulations…and ah soo ahh, you are going to have to get your bags and get off the plane...”

I sat straight up in my seat, which clearly was not erect enough. “WHAT! Are you kidding me? I don’t need a flight crew, I need a pilot! That’s all I need. I don’t need some retard to hand out pretzels ….who needs snack packs? If anyone doesn’t already know how to operate their goddamn air mask, get the fuck off the plane and let the rest of us go with the pilot!"
I was asked to get off the plane.





Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray Philadelphia gets wiped off the map
Is that not how the prayer goes?



As we all exited the plane into the Philadelphia airport, otherwise known as, The Gates of Hell, I did what any smart young women would do when she was alone, I headed straight for the Airport Bar. Nothing like being an alcoholic on Christmas! I grabbed one of the last stools seated at the bar and ordered four gin and tonics, to take the edge off.

Four young guys standing near the bar turned around to talk with me. The one alpha head dog of the group turned to me and goes “ You are fairly small aren’t you?” I looked at him and go, “Small? Um yes, I guess. How did you know that? I am sitting down. And I am wearing a coat. With fur.”
He gave me a once over and goes “Well, you look very, you know… compact.”

Compact?

Anddddddd conversation was over.

The bar closed around midnight and knowing I would not be able to catch a flight out until the next morning I searched the airport for a decent place to sleep. I found a row of couches near the back gates. A guy, doing the same as me, offered for me to sit and watch DVD’s with him on his laptop. So we stretched out on the lovely airport carpeting which ironically didn’t smell like diapers AT ALL and watched Men in Black ….essentially I spent half of the movie trying to suffocate myself in between the blue carpeting. It was fairly romantic, just me, him, and 500 other stranded passengers snoring around us.

The airline was nice enough to offer us these blankets that apparently seemed to be made of tinfoil…which if I was ever going to make a blanket, I think tinfoil would be the direction I would go in too. These huge silver sheets were supposed to wrap around us to keep in the warmth. Two guys next to me were securing theirs up to their heads when one looked over at the other and proclaimed, “Dude! You look like a Hot Pocket!”

The next morning I was one of the lucky few to catch a 6am flight out of Philadelphia to Fort Lauderdale. Which was still pretty far away from where I was going, but hey I would have taken a plane to Zimbabwe at that moment, anything to get me the fuck out of Philadelphia.



Praying for a hot pocket blanket to wrap baby Jesus in
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

19 Cizz-omments:

Divalicious said...

Bless your heart, girl. I've managed to get stuck in many-a city. I travel so much, I no longer call the city by its name, but by the airport code.

I got stuck @ LAX once after turning in my rental car for a red-eye flight back to TN. Luckily, my mom lives in Palm Springs and it only took her about 3 hours to find me. I was sleeping on top of the old baggage insurance machine that they used to have all over the place. No good.

Ha Ha Sound said...

I kind of agree with you. Philly is worthless. We should make the city give us their recipe for cheese steaks, and then boot them out of the country.

Bangs and a Bun said...

Having to sleep overnight in an airport sucks monkey balls.

I agree with the 'take the cheese steak and run' theory.

Jay said...

Philly airport is the worst and USAirways is even worse, flight cancelations are out of control!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Diva- love that you said 'bless your heart'..a comedian once said you can say anything mean you want about a girl as long as you say 'bless her heart' before it
@haha- i vote you in for the next mayor of philly
@bangs- cheesesteaks cant be that complicated, i think we could manage
@jay- yes, i heard the cancelations are the worst ever this year, looking forward to x mass!

modelbehavior said...

You've seen Planes, Trains and Automobiles, I assume. But this story sounds better!

MsPuddin said...

It happens to the best of us. I've been delayed, but never spent the night in the airport.

Did you punch compact guy in the face? What about hot pocket guy?

So@24 said...

They called you a hot pocket? That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. Damn these guys are good.

CresceNet said...

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NYCPonderings Chick said...

@model- I have actually never seen that movie!
@MSP- wanted to punch compact guy, but he was about 6ft 6 so my compact self could not reach that high
@So- airport guys know what they are doing, thats all i have to say

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@cres- um, what?

MsPuddin said...

I think what cres is trying to say he likes compact hot pockets too...

Heather said...

Aw, man, called you a Hot Pocket? Wow, what a ladies man.

Your feelings about Philadelphia's airport mirror mine about JFK. An overnight stay there because a bunch of pussy Belgian air traffic controllers needed more money (what's up with that?) meant I became very intimate with several square plastic chairs... and some motrin.

Quarterlifegirl said...

It is the only airport that lost my shit! It is known as the worse place ever....mmm hotpockets!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ms- thanks for the translation
@heather- Beligian air traffic controllers??? that sounds like a conspiracy to me!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@quarter- losing bags is the worst! i take everything i can onboard!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@quarter- losing bags is the worst! i take everything i can onboard!

The Bee said...

Oh lord! What a nightmare travel story.

ZenDenizen said...

I got that Portuguese spam, too.

And what's with the "compact" line? Wow...