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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Men's Magazines Are a Decoy

No no, that is actually not me, I am sorry for any confusion that might cause

She was bikini clad, covered in oil, tanner then a Mexican laying on a piece of tinfoil and staring down at me with her 36 DD’s.

“This one?” the bodega owner said curiously, holding up the magazine.

Hotty McHot bodega man here rocks the blue vest, he is good with a register
“Ah yes, that one!” I smiled, as he handed over to me the new, fresh issue of GQ .
I remember the first time I bought a men’s magazine I told my friend, “What better way to learn about men then by reading men’s magazines?”

“Well Kim,” She said. “You could actually date a man to learn about men.”

“No, no, no, no!" I yelled. “What kind of gibberish is that! Listen, I don’t have time for dirty socks and wiping away tears and potty training…I don’t have time to ‘date a man’ , I have work and a life and a serious cocaine habit to keep up with!”

When I started reading the actual magazine, I remember opening the crisp pages only to find something that I can only describe as shocking, disturbing and something that truly upset me to the core...there were articles about …wait for it…wait for it….feelings (who?)…
depression (what?).. social pressure (when?)...and anxiety(where?)…I thought maybe I had picked up a decoy GQ by accident. What the hell was I reading?! Men have e-motions? And feel-ings? BLASPHEMY!

What I imagine men's magazine to be full of, fashion wise of course,
I mean it looks like a replacement to the monkey suit, more durable,
lighter fabric, breathable, non-itchy...an all around good choice

Instead of articles on the predicted jock-itch, pictures of naked people dancing and Crayola drawings of superman and penises…there were actual words... words that contains letters... and these ‘words’ sometimes formed into sentences…were men actual human beings? Humans who bled? And felt things? And cared about actual things…such as, people? I couldn’t believe it! I can’t believe it! I shant believe it!

14 Cizz-omments:

lioux said...

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST POSTED THAT!

MONSTER.

*sob*

*sniff*

laura said...

the thing i love the MOST about men's magazines is the topics. they cover items like "how to act like you're not on a diet even though you are so you can avoid being made fun of by your friends", "how to tell if your girlfriend is trying to secretly get pregnant", and "what to spend your $20,000+ bonus on". the topics cover the important items in a guy's life. however, where are the articles that instruct men how to please a woman, cook an amazing meal, give the best body massage...i could go on and on...

LisaBinDaCity said...

Men are human?!!!

Who'da thunk it ;-)

modelbehavior said...

don't believe it. see, magazines know men don't read the articles. (men? read?) so they just write this crap to justify publishing a lot of skanky pictures.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Lioux- sometimes it is hard for me to see beyond most men's ravishing good looks to see that there is something more there, I am sure you understand

@Laura - I know, deal lord, i died when i read that 'how to be cool when your on a diet' article, only in a mens mag...

@Lisa- I know it's a notion i struggle with everyday

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Model-so you're a model AND you're brillant...why didnt i think of that?!

Ha Ha Sound said...

MB is right. I don't read the articles. I just look at the oiled up pictures of babes in see through mesh bikinis.

Know why? Because the guys who write for men's magazines are usually clueless jackasses.

MsPuddin said...

I know, I thought the only “feelings” men had was when their d*cks got hard. I guess I was wrong too.

MsP

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@haha- i really couldnt agree more with you

@msp- apparently we should listen to haha , cause it might be what we suspected all along

Captain Smack said...

Men's magazines have articles? I never noticed that. Weird.

Ohhh!!! Now I know what you're talking about! You mean those pages with all the tiny little rows of words and crap. I always kinda' wondered what those were supposed to be. Articles. Huh. Well, you learn something new every day.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Captain- yes, those words actually form sentences, i know i know hard to believe...one day I will show you the ways...just read your 'effort' comment back on your page ha! sorry Capt, I actually didnt mean it like that hahaha

Mortarbored said...

That chick on the cover is HOT. I actually just got a subscription to GQ - but I didn't know there was crap about feelings in it, damnit. I just wanted the hot chicks. What? Of course I didn't want the men's fashion junk...pff...wha...me? Nooo....

The Bee said...

"Listen, I don’t have time for dirty socks and wiping away tears and potty training…I don’t have time to ‘date a man’ , I have work and a life and a serious cocaine habit to keep up with!”

LOVE IT!!!!!

ZenDenizen said...

I read askmen.com for laughs!