Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Rules: For Men

The problem with all these relationship books out there is that they are all directed towards women. Most of my guy friends call me all the time with questions about girls. So why is there no book out there for them? I have decided to construct The Rules book for guys on how to get any girl in the world.

And I guarantee this advice 60 percent of the time, works everytime.

The Rules: For Men

#1- Lie. Lie as much as possible. Lie all the time. Continue to lie. Do I look good in these acid wash jeans with tiger emblems? The answer is YES. Did you mind that I don’t know how to cook? NO. Or clean? NO. Or give a good blow job? NO. Lie to me. The more lies the better. This is key in any functional relationship.

#2- For the love of Jesus I don’t want to see the Ballet either! I can’t sit through that shit. Please take me to your kind of events. I want to see your friend Joey get his face smashed between a keg and Martin’s asshole. That to me is much more exciting. Take me to a strip club, and then shove my blouse full of dollar bills so that the stripper has to eat them out one by one while your buddy Javier chants incoherent dirty Spanish phrases in the background.

#C – STOP GUIDING MY HEAD. When you are lucky enough to actually be getting head, stop holding mine! I don’t want you to touch my head. Touch my hair. Nothing. Stop guiding me into it. I don’t want your guidance. You get what you get. And that’s it. I am not here taking a blowing class from you, so stop acting like you are teaching me skills by shoving it down my throat. I get it. You want it deeper, guess what? I have a gag reflex and it’s about 2.2 seconds away from throwing up all over your balls. In fact some of my friends will stop the job all together if you even begin to touch their head. So keep your hands the fuck off my head unless you want to forfeit all BJ’s for the rest of the year.

#4B- When I call your phone. You answer it. That’s it. That’s all there is. I don’t care if you are in a shark tank being shot at by a Navy Seal while three Miami drug lords are trying to shove cocaine up your ass. You answer the damn phone! I don’t want to hear that you were “working” or “in a meeting” or “in the hospital”. Blah blah blah. You better explain to those doctors during your appendectomy that I may need to call to ask you a question and you may need to answer the phone for it, organs or no organs.

#5 – I am embarrassed that you know how to dance. I mean let’s face it. The first couple times when I was drunk I thought it was funny. Now that we are standing with all my friends during happy hour and you were dead sober dancing to OAR’s “It Was a Crazy Game of Poker”, I didn’t find it so hilarious. In fact I found it even less so hilarious, when you actually broke out in the middle of the dance floor to do some kind of Usher-meets-Justin Timberlake impression, or was it Michael Jackson? God help me if I know, all I know is that is when I started to drink. Heavily. I don’t find your dancing to be a turn on. Watching you dance is more like watching those men from the Belleview Mental Hospital try and play flag-football. It looks about the same.

#11F- You shouldn’t know how to dress. And that is fine. In fact I prefer guys who don’t know what they are doing in the clothes department. But at least admit to it. Admitting you have is a problem is the first step. Then you can get help from there. I enjoy when guys I date show up for dinner in some kind of basketball jersey and jeans they bought in ‘98 from a homeless dude’s garage sale. I like it that way. Because what else would be my purpose to you? I can’t fix engines, make you pancakes, organize for shit…at least let me impart my words of the Christian Dior kingdom upon your land.

#G- My friends are not your friends.... Plain and simple.
Your friends are my friends though.
My family is not your family.
Your family is my family however.
I need more allies then you do, so that’s just how it works. And when you break up with me, your family, your friends, my family and my friends... they will all turn on you.

#(9 ²)- Under no circumstance shall you ever make a comment about my body, unless it has to do with ummm, … perfection? When I ask you if I should go workout, you should always answer, “sure if you want to ..even though you clearly don’t need to”. Listen, I don’t care if my ass balloons up to the size of a Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade character. I don’t care if you have to strap me up to a gurney simply to have cowgirl style sex with me. You better pretend like I am light as a fucking feather. I don’t care if you go to pick me up and end up throwing out your back in the process, you better lie on the ground and tell me it was an old injury from "the war" that just sparked up and that it has nothing to do with my fat ass.

10 Cizz-omments:

Kat said...

I am printing this out for my boyfriend immediately!

Cunning_Linguist said...

OK, I'm gonna take one for the team here. Why the hell not. It's not like you know where I live *starts packing anyways*.

We'll play by the rules to the damn letter. I swear we will. Now YOU play by the rules.

1) we have 3 base needs. Food, sex and sleep. If we're awake and you don't see a sandwich in our hand, get one there stat! If we just ate, your options are limited.

2) We'll leave the toilet seat down if you stop asking us questions we'll only be crucified for. You know damn well you're doing it, and WE know you are doing it. Knock it off.

3) The remote..... stop fucking touching it.

4) see rule #1, all the rest are tertiary.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@ Cunning-
Ok , ok, get #1..I need to just sleep with you and feed you there diaper changes as well? I am thinking this could help cut down on the toilet seat problem perhaps?

And in terms of the wait, what you are saying is you dont actually like watching top model and Gossip girls???/ now I am confused!

Arjewtino said...

It's about fucking time someone explained these rules to me in a way I can understand.

My girlfriend has been trying in vain for years.

But, really, #C? You don't need guidance? News to me.

Cunning_Linguist said...

No diapers. That's not my kinda kink. Now of course, if you want to dress up in a cheerleader outfit for lil ol me, I'd surely put that in the "I owe you one" column.

We're not going into Top Model and Gossip Girls. I've already put my man-card into question. What goes on behind our closed doors is our business and we'll leave it at that.

sid said...

Ha ha ha. Man you're so friggin spot on with this guide. You should publish it. You'd definitely make a load.

Lioux said...

When will you be authoring 'The Rules' book for guys on how to get any GUY in the world?!

modelbehavior said...

Yes. Yes. Lying is the basis of all functional relationships

The Battleship said...

You've got some good stuff here. I think we men can work with this. A few thoughts on each rule:

1) Done and done! Now that we've agreed that deception is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, if you ladies could make more of an effort to believe us when we are clearly lying it would be greatly appreciated.

2) You can come to our stuff, just try not to ruin everything. For instance, if you don't like sports, don't come to the sportsbar and act bored the whole time. Or even worse, try to pretend that you do like sports when you know nothing about them.

C) The person with a penis in their mouth should be able to lay down whatever ancillary BJ groundrules they like. Just a comment, though - getting a below average blowjob (there is no such thing as a bad one) is like standing by with a map and a flashlight while a person feels their way through a dark maze. We're just trying to give you a little nudge in the right direction when you get close to the end. Its compassionate, really.

4B: Can we meet you halfway and just agree to implant a GPS locator in our skulls so that you'll be able to track our movement at all times?

5: Believe me, the guys who like to dance are as problematic for the vast majority of us as they are for you.

11F: Most of us aren't terribly fashion conscious and based on the agreement we reached in rule one we're even willing to stipulate that this is a problem we need your help fixing.

G: Sure. Since your friends and family are off limits, though, could you try to limit the amount of time you spend talking about them?

9: The whole "perfection" thing will backfire if you don't keep your end of the rule one bargain. And when I say "you" I mean women generally and not the one pictured in the banner of this blog, whose physical appearance is in fact flawless.

Meistro said...

Saw this and thought it applied...thought didn't write it. Rules for girls.

Here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Hockey, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.