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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Manly Bike for Sale

Manly Bike for Sale
Reply to:
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did.

He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself.

Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests

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11 Cizz-omments:

Jocular Schlemiel said...

That guy needs to work for Digitas or some shit.

Lisa said...

where is the female bike? does it come with extra ovaries or anything?

Cunning_Linguist said...

Thanks for helping me sell my bike.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go oil myself up and pose. There's an airbush artist who wants to put me on the side of a van fighting a dragon.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

Should I know already what Digitas is???...next assignment-the female bike, ovary style....and Cun you are already on the side of my van, oiled and wearing a Viper

Jocular Schlemiel said...

They are a huge marketing company...may just be in Boston though. My B

Cunning_Linguist said...

We could pose together. I have a sneaking suspicion you'd look good in a tribal print toga type thing. You know, like the vibe in this poster to a classic movie.

http://www.impawards.com/1985/posters/european_vacation.jpg

surviving myself said...

Wow - a dickless lizard is about the worst thing I could think of to be. That or a Republican.

And... now hoping you're not a Republican.

Or a boobless lizard.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@joc- i will do research

@cun- funny you should say that i ust BOUGHT tribal print toga...

@surv- I might be a lizard but at least i am not boobless

LisaBinDaCity said...

A bit of testosterone overload methinks. Him not you ;-)

Lioux said...

So, Kim...Are going to buy it?

Are baseball cards included with the kick ass spokes? I like how they make a bike sound like a motorcycle's coming.

And. If I wanted to ride a flat seat, I'd be dating Olive Oyl®™©™.

surviving myself said...

Well then you're fine.