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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

An Open Letter the Man in the Tampon Aisle

Dear Tampon Man,

I know you are standing there. I see you. Even though your head is buried down into the neck of your Northface windbreaker. As you eye the Summer’s Eve and Playtex collections. I know you will see me and start looking around as though you are completely lost. Lost in a sea of tightly stuffed cotton as you start saying, “Um, condoms? ...condoms? This isn’t the condom aisle? This isn’t the EXTRA LARGE Trojan condom aisle?”

I get it Babydoll, you got a girl, and that girl, unbenounced to you, actually has a period. I know I know, I am a real life Nancy Drew.

And I know how the entire situation went down too. She was sitting on the couch, hoping that you don’t mind watching TLC’s a Baby Story while you were hoping that surviving 30 minutes of ‘Kate’s Triple Birth in a hot tub', gets you at least 10 minutes of her sucking your cock….and right before the camera guy gets a good pan-in of the birth canal, you lean in to kiss her and it’s as though she suddenly morphs into that horrible dragon from the sea movie that freaked you the fuck out when you were 7 years old. And as the fire and lava pours out of her fanged-mouth she bellows, “I HAVE MY PERIOD , GO BUY ME TAMPONS!" Because, as all women know, we can’t get our fat asses off the couch to grab another tub of caramel toffee popcorn, let alone hike it over 2 blocks to the 79th Street Duane Reade.

So you have to tear yourself away from TLC , curse out the day you ever bought this bitch a Malibu Baybreeze at Bombabalie’s Romper Room, and head out to the drugstore to try and figure out which piece of cotton looks the best to you.

So as I pass you in the aisle that day, Tampon Man, I look over, lean in and whisper right into your innocent sport-center watching ear, “…get the plastic Platex ones labeled super.”
And just as I pass by, I see you look up and bow your head at me, like a minion bowing to his king, and I watch you grab the shit-tastic purple flowered box and make a beeline for the register.

God bless you Tampon Man, as I watch you walk off into the sunset, carrying Platex Gentle Glides in hand.

16 Cizz-omments:

sid said...

You are freaking brilliant. I loved your description of her morphing into a dragon.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I think there should be a standard price listing for various chores that we have to do.

Watching Lifetime......10 min oral
Buying Tampons.........30 min oral
Allowing ourselves to be yelled at during those lovely few days of the month and not fighting back...................60 min oral

and so on and so forth.

The UnaDater said...

Whoa... that is the same Duane Reade I always had to go to. How embarrassing.

unadater.blogspot.com

modelbehavior said...

Yeah I'm never asking my man to do that. It's hard enough to keep sexiness alive in a long term relationship without adding feminine hygiene products to the mix.

GiveEmHellHarry said...

I never had the shame some guys get from buying tampons. I would tend to yell out "How much for the super absorbent? She's bleeding like a stuck pig right now." But then again, I'm an asshole.

And yes, I do realize it is bad form to refer to a woman as a pig for any reason. I reiterate. Asshole.

survivingmyself said...

i agree with jocular, there should be some kind of payment plan.

Kat said...

omg this is amazing and i seriously need to start making MY boyfriend participate in the tampon buying

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@Sid- thanks! I myself prefer to morph into a liger

@Joc- is 60 min of oral actually POSSIBLE...please explain

@una- that duane reade always has a fight breaking out in it to and like 1 person on the register

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@model- i know right, i wont even wear my black-period pj pants around them, some girls dont care though!

@harry-at least you know to buy the super absorbent!

@sir- once again, i ask...60 mins of oral...really??

@kat- works for some, not for all

LiveCrunch said...

Nice post, I am so lucky my wife is not sending me to buy tampons LoL

Anyways you might want to remove navigation bar here is how to do it:
http://blogger-templates.blogspot.com/2005/01/remove-navbar.html

survivingmyself said...

well, i think it's worth a try.

So@24 said...

What's a tam-pon?

Jocular Schlemiel said...

You are right....60 minutes might much. But who said it had to be all at once? We could put the minutes into a bank, like rollover from Cingular/AT&T. You use them when you want them.

Todd said...

I used to buy tampons for paintballing. They're great for cleaning a misfire. You just pop it in and shoot it out! Our backyard would be littered with multi-colored tampons by summer's end.

Now I just buy them because the wife tells me to. Lame.

MsPuddin said...

I see it two ways. You can either listen to me talk about my period or buy me tampons. Either way works for me…I’ve never made someone buy me tampons except my mom. Poor guy…

ZenDenizen said...

Model & NYCPonderings - I'm with you! Some things are sacred... I always try hard not to laugh when I see Tampon Man though. The best are the brave ones who call home and start reading the descriptions of everything they see in the aisle hoping one of them is right...