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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Becoming a Model

Anorexia: because you're only attractive when you're close to death

‘What is it about those women that makes men like them so much?” I asked, sitting outside with a friend, staring at the amazing beauties before me.

”Because Kim." My friend said, "…they are MODELS.”

Hmmm , now that was an idea. So men actually like…models?…and if I was a 'model', I would attract more men?

Now this was certainly an interesting thought. But what would it take for me to become a model? And how long before I could actually start telling people I was a 'model'? Do I have to sleep with Johnny Depp and have an acid trip with Janice Dickenson before I get my modeling card? As I sat thinking over my friend’s comment that evening, watching Bring It on:In It To Win It…I thought...maybe I could do this. Think of all the things I have accomplished in my life, maybe modeling could be one of them.

So I wrote out a list of everything it would take for me to become a ‘model’.

After many hours and the demolition of two lead pencils, I finally had my list.

Step1- lose 20 pounds

Step 2- become tall

Step 1 is easy, losing weight is a simple game that everyone knows how to play and knows exactly what it takes to accomplish…become a coke feign. Problem solved. Coke is clearly the answer and I will be running my fingers along the outlines of my kidney and intestines in no time.

Now on to step 2. Become tall. This was seemingly easy at first…break kneecaps, trick blind doctor into inserting longer metal rod into my ACL... Bada bing bada boom, I am a few inches taller.

Finding a blind doctor however, seemed to be the hardest part, mostly because, assuming the doctor used a seeing eye dog and being that dogs are not allowed in hospitals, how would I know which doctors were blind? Then, in my quest for blind doctor, I came to find out that APPARENTLY you are not allowed to do coke before you go in for surgery. Which totally destroyed my 'being a coke feign' plan. What kind of tomfoolery is that?!

Regardles, now I am onto a new plan.

Plan B- Fuck modeling, write children’s books.

17 Cizz-omments:

jay said...

I think you could MODEL children's books..maybe dress up like the actual book and runway model it...i have a feeling you could work it...

NYCPonderings Chick said...

Maybe I could write a children's book about modeling...and why mommy drinks..that might be my new plan

Ha Ha Sound said...

Or how about a children's book about doing coke? They have to learn sometime.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Take HGH.

Or, be a Milk Model, with a milk mustache. That way, you are modeling, and making yourself taller by drinking the stuff.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@HAHA- you always have the best ideas I must say

@JOC- hmm HGH, wouldn't that make me look more like a bodybuilder?

Frankly, Scarlett said...

I've started to loose weight recently - but i'm not outlining my kidneys yet! So frustrating :)

Quarterlifegirl said...

Eww those models are gross. I will say alot of guys I know refer to them as "little tall boys pretending to be women." and proceed to throw pieces of pizza at the tv screen in hopes that they will eat!

DCD said...

Seriously, idk what guy would find the girl in that pic attractive...remember guys like boobs...some like ass, that girl and many like her have neither...I think if you ask a guy would he rather date a cheerleader or a model, he'll go with the former..

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@scar you will get there lady, i promise
@quarter- ohh tall boys pretending to be women LOL I will have to remember that

NYCPonderings Chick said...

DCD- i certainly hope you are the majority in your thinking, cause that would be nice!

So@24 said...

I actually prefer a girl who I don't have to worry if she is going to tip over any second and break her entire body into smithereens.

And I like shorter girls.

And I have a penis.

-shrug-

NYCPonderings Chick said...

wow i am enjoying my male readers more and more by the minute

Anonymous said...

being thin is overrated...although being a coke feign seems like fun

LisaBinDaCity said...

Becoming taller does sound a bit daunting ;-)

Plus I think you are way too smart to model, (with apologies to Model Behavior who is the exception!!!)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

where is out MISS MODEL BAHVIOR to give us some good insight on this??

sid said...

Gosh thanks for this. Don't think I've laughed this hard in ages. Alternative is to insert forefinger down your throat and puke ...?

MsPuddin said...

I think you get your modeling card in hell, after you’ve died from living off of peanuts and vodka…do models drink vodka? Too many calories huh…nevermind…ooo write a children’s book on becoming a model entitled, “One Cracker Too Many”…