Walking around Macy’s this morning, spraying myself with every perfume imaginable; until I had enough alcohol doused on me to be completely flammable, I realized something truly magical…being kid-free and husband-free is like winning the lottery. I have no one to spend my money on other than myself. If I want to skip out on buying groceries this month in lieu of the new Cole Han limited edition leather, then damnit all, I will….Because who cares, it’s my spending account. What else would I be spending my money on anyway? Donations to Darfur? Homeless children’s education? Feeding the supermodels?
See the problem with having a family, also known as, “people you care about”, is all your money goes right to them. Got a baby? And not one of those diaper-less, food-less babies (they make those now, right?) Well there goes that money you were saving for the new leather coat! That baby will prevent you and your new leather coat from ever having a lavish love affair together. Damn that baby! Doesn’t he know how greedy he is? Can he not eat for just one day?
Husbands are even worse. You have to dress them and feed them and pretend like you enjoy spending 200 bucks on mid season tickets to watch some loser throw some ball at some other loser wearing tight pants, while you aren’t even watching the game, because instead you are freezing your ass off in some enormous parking lot just because you decided to leave halfway through to pop a squat between two parked cars and then got your coathood strings stuck under the muffler of one of those alleged parked cars….I’m sorry..what? Wait? Were we talking about something? Um yes, so do you know what I enjoy spending my money on…things that don’t involve anyone else but myself. I like to know my bank account is exactly where it should be...tied up in plastic, lots and lots of plastic.
13 Cizz-omments:
if we get married I will make sure to produce a non-eating diaper-less baby for sure
very good to know
I have had no less than five friends who have kids tell me how jealous they are of me being childless. The wife limits the spending but she does make sure I never leave the house looking like I let the half-blind retarded kid down the street dress me. All in all, kid free is the only way to be.
You should do what I do. Every time I have a new girlfriend, I just lie and tell her that I'm unemployed. This way I'm not expected to spend any money on her.
Look out we have a drooler!
You left out THE most important detail. You can drink! You can get so shitfaced you might accidentally make a baby!
@ Harry- wow well maybe its a good thing you are married so that people dont confuse you for someone coming from a special home!
@Haha- does it work? hmmm i feel like that trick has been pulled on me before by an ex...
@MSP-AHHHHH you are SO RIGHT , what would I do if I couldnt come home and fall into the bushes every night?!
Such a good point. I think about this all the time. These are the best years of our lives. We do whatever WE want all the time and don't have to adhere to any kind of logical meal schedule. Imagine when we'll be responsible for feeding other people three times a day!? Gross!
How about an invention: A machine which requires hundreds of dollars a day to be inserted into it, and in return it releases an ear-splitting siren noise and spills feces all over the floor. Occasionally, it will inject you with a euphoric drug, not a lot, but just enough for you to tell yourself that it's all "worth it".
I am so glad I was not born with the instinct to have kids!
Speaking of babies, when are you going to let me tote around your nephew for my personal gain?
@Model- I dont remember the last time i had three consistant meals actually
@Jarod-wow, can you patent that for me somehow????
@SO- I am trying to make him work for me somehow!! I cant invest him in child slavery just yet..
You are my blog soul sister.
Good Job! :)
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