Friday, October 19, 2007

America & Turkey: Best Friends 4-never

So as my readers, you may already know that I never do this- post articles written by other authors- And I don't do it for a number of reasons, partly because I don't really think most authors are as good looking as me, but mainly because you come to NYCP to get a little dose of Kimmie...actually I have no idea what I am talking about I am sure you people don't care whether I write something or whether a goat in Tanzania writes this site. So please read the attached article below, party because it is truly funny, but mainly because it was written by someone way better looking than myself, Elliott Kalan.
This article has been the sugar in my coffee this morning and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

America & Turkey: Best Friends 4-Never
My View
by: Elliott Kalan
October 19, 2007
The world is kind of like America’s family. England is our stern mother, Canada’s our goody two-shoes little sister, Russia is the scary uncle whose house smells weird, and our best bud would have to be Turkey. America’s bond with Turkey is legendary. Turkey helped us move our stuff after the Louisiana Purchase. We were the best man at Turkey’s wedding. And we commemorate this friendship every third Thursday of November by devouring the bird that bears Turkey’s name.

Well, maybe we’ll be eating penguin this year, because things are pretty tense with Turkey right now. You see, our relationship is built on a foundation of fratboyish needs. Turkey lets us crash on their couch when we’re in the Middle East, and we don’t tell anybody about its embarrassing youthful shenanigans, specifically the Armenian Genocide of 1915. Turkey’s still pretty touchy about that, so we pretend it didn’t happen. That’s what friends are for.

But Congress has no friends, so it doesn’t realize how dorky it’s being by proposing a resolution condemning Turkey’s actions. Now Turkey’s mad at all of us, even though we didn’t do anything. It’s like the time your friend Chad said Sheila was a slut, so Sheila got mad at you, because even though you didn’t agree with Chad, you still didn’t stick up for her, which was a lame move on your part, by the way. The only difference here is that instead of Sheila being a slut, Turkey killed 1.5 million people. I admit it’s not a great analogy. Now, since we broke our blood-brother oath, Turkey won’t let us use its airbases. Plus, it’s planning to invade Northern Iraq, home of the Kurds, a.k.a. the only Iraqis we don’t have a problem with right now. This would be disastrous, removing the center of conflict to an area where we have few troops, and forcing our enemies to disengage from us in order to repel Turkey, which is really insulting. What, suddenly we’re not good enough to be insurged against?

Wait. Hold on. Is this all an elaborate plot to get Turkey involved in Iraq, allowing us to tiptoe out whistling nonchalantly? That’s brilliant! Heck, it’s worth losing a meaningful international friendship to get out of there. After all, we lost so many meaningful international friendships going in, what’s one more? Nice move, Congress! I knew there was a reason we kept you around.

2 Cizz-omments:

Ha Ha Sound said...

Like the article, although I read today (or was it yesterday?) that it looks like Congress isn't going to pass the resolution recognizing the 1915 genocide. Which is lame.

LisaBinDaCity said...

I'm with you, the article is awesome. Thanks for posting it!