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Monday, September 17, 2007

Sir Douche A Lot, A Brave Man

Look at this ass right here, he looks totally douche-tastic,
you can take your suit off now asshole and come buy me a drink

I have this small problem. I have a tattoo, one I got a long time ago, in fact I don’t even remember when I got it, probably amidst some drunken night back freshman when things like ‘going to times square’ were cool. The tattoo is imprinted directly on my forehead and reads ‘I Love Douchebags’. Now I know what you’re thinking ‘Kim why would you want such a tattoo put on your forehead’. And to be honest folks, I don’t ever remember it being there in the first place, but without fail every time I go out, I attract assholes better than free lube night on Fire Island.

Fire Island would like to thank the makers of the banana bottom

Case in point, Friday night in a trendy lounge I met a very heroic man who had the strength and courage to wear his suit out to the bar at midnight. Now what kind of strong brave solider would do this kind of formality? Well, I know! Sir Douche-a-lot! Ah Yes, Sir Douche-A-Lot noticed the tattoo on my forehead and came promptly over to speak with me. I asked him about his suit-in-bar and he explained to me that only the bravest of all solider must wear his uniform at all times, he explained he had a very important “financial job” at a very important place called “Wachovia”. I asked him if this ‘important’ job had the title of “Teller”. He explained that it did not and seemed to scowl at the idea of it. No no, this man was far too important that he must wear his suit at all time, even in a 90 degree bar at midnight, as he never knows when he might need to do things like ‘count money’ or ‘make coffee’ for someone.

He seemed confused that I didn’t enjoy how important him and his Wachovia job was being that I did have the asshole tattoo on my forehead. His friend even suggested he take his jacket off, but no, did the Spartans in 300 take their metal breast plates off? NO!


Did Mel Gibson take off his loin cloth in Braveheart? NO!


ahh Mel, such a brave warrior

He said he needed to leave it on, least he be confused with the common folk that do not have important Wachovia jobs.

Wachovia, only breeding the best assholes around
Wachovia, because you're money should be protected by an asshole

9 Cizz-omments:

Quarterlifegirl said...

Hahahaha! What a doucebag! I bet he wouldn't take of his jacket so you woulnd't see those nasty pit stains or his tiny package (maybe the opposite and it was a keg belly). I love when I meet doucebags like that, makes for a fun time to bash them (I know it sounds horrible but come on if you are going to be that arrogant then you deserve it).

Ha Ha Sound said...

Ugh, my condolences. Having to talk to anybody in the financial services is a horrible way to spend an evening. My condolences.

You should get that tattoo removed. =+)

Anonymous said...

i hate financial dudes, they are def the worst!!

NYCPonderings Chick said...

Thinking back on it now I actually wish I had called him out on it ya know... But at the time he was just fun to laugh at...I'd rather hang out with my bloggers anyday and talk 'html script'!

JACLYN said...

"OH KIM! UR THE FUNNIEST WRITER ALIVE!!!!"

NYCPonderings Chick said...

jac you kill me sometimes i swear

modelbehavior said...

No joke I had I guy come up to me Saturday night, invite me his table and pronounce proudly:

"Have a drink, I'm a promoter here."

Me: That's a good thing?

"Well (he did a dramatic pause here) I also work on Wall Street."

Me: Why are you puffing out your chest as you describe every Manhattan woman's two biggest turn-offs? Promoter and banker?

Geez. "work on wall st?" I didn't know people even said that anymore.

Mortarbored said...

I think TOOL was the term you meant to use. Guy sounds like a complete TOOL.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

@model- omg i hoped you just laughed at him, you should have told him you were a model...on wall street...

@motarboard- Hey, dont make fun of my grandpa like that, only i can make fun of him