SELFABSORBED.ME

So I have this friend..let us call him “Pohn” so as to not confuse you with his ‘real name’. So Pohn and I used to work together many years ago. It was during a time when he wore braided belts and I had highlights the color of warm urine. It was not a good time for all to say the least. We always stayed very friendly even after we left the company though and would do the occasional "mass email", but that was as close to intimate as it got.

Well I was on my way to 7-11 two weeks ago because I like the price of their Diet Coke as well as their neon lights burning my retina…when I ran right into Pohn. Well one thing leads to another and I get the whole “I got a new phone and I don’t think I still have your number..” excuse (I mean really, is ANYONE besides ALF buying that one these days?) So I give him my number, he says I look great, I tell him he looks great too (I want to punch myself in the mouth just for saying it) and we go on our separate ways.

Fast forward to three days later. I get a text message from Pohn.

“Hey Kim, you really looked good yesterday, what are you up to tonight?”

Now being that it is 11:00pm on a Tuesday night and I am in a facemask and teeth whitening retainers, I figured now was not the time to be inviting any guests over.

So I responded, “ Thanks...I am heading to bed…I will call you tomorrow though.”

I then received a text back, “What are you wearing to bed?”

Um…what?

I look down at my grey sweatpants and t-shirt that says ‘Smokey the Bear Says Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires’..and I consider what it is I am supposed to write back to that.

Do I lie and tell him I am naked?

Do I tell him the truth and let him know that with the right amount of tube socks I might be able to be on a Full House episode?

Do I just not respond at all?

Do I ask him what HE is wearing?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And if I DID answer with a sexy response, was this going to continue on through the night? Was this some sort of sexual texting that I am unaware of, a texting ‘porn’ if you will…where two people sit at home alone but have wild fantasies through Verizon T9?

I didn’t want to set a bad tone for this new relationship and make him think I was some kind of texting slut. And then once you give it up once on texting, you could be expected to give it up everytime.

And furthermore, I didn’t know where this new relationship with Pohn was going anyway…what if we end up getting married one day and my kids ask me about the first time daddy and I fell in love and I have to tell her it was through my free night and weekend minutes and some one-handed quick fingers?

So I decided to play it safe and write back in the words of Marky Mark, “Say hi to your mother for me.”