SELFABSORBED.ME

So I have this friend..let us call him “Pohn” so as to not confuse you with his ‘real name’. So Pohn and I used to work together many years ago. It was during a time when he wore braided belts and I had highlights the color of warm urine. It was not a good time for all to say the least. We always stayed very friendly even after we left the company though and would do the occasional "mass email", but that was as close to intimate as it got.

Well I was on my way to 7-11 two weeks ago because I like the price of their Diet Coke as well as their neon lights burning my retina…when I ran right into Pohn. Well one thing leads to another and I get the whole “I got a new phone and I don’t think I still have your number..” excuse (I mean really, is ANYONE besides ALF buying that one these days?) So I give him my number, he says I look great, I tell him he looks great too (I want to punch myself in the mouth just for saying it) and we go on our separate ways.

Fast forward to three days later. I get a text message from Pohn.

“Hey Kim, you really looked good yesterday, what are you up to tonight?”

Now being that it is 11:00pm on a Tuesday night and I am in a facemask and teeth whitening retainers, I figured now was not the time to be inviting any guests over.

So I responded, “ Thanks...I am heading to bed…I will call you tomorrow though.”

I then received a text back, “What are you wearing to bed?”

Um…what?

I look down at my grey sweatpants and t-shirt that says ‘Smokey the Bear Says Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires’..and I consider what it is I am supposed to write back to that.

Do I lie and tell him I am naked?

Do I tell him the truth and let him know that with the right amount of tube socks I might be able to be on a Full House episode?

Do I just not respond at all?

Do I ask him what HE is wearing?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And if I DID answer with a sexy response, was this going to continue on through the night? Was this some sort of sexual texting that I am unaware of, a texting ‘porn’ if you will…where two people sit at home alone but have wild fantasies through Verizon T9?

I didn’t want to set a bad tone for this new relationship and make him think I was some kind of texting slut. And then once you give it up once on texting, you could be expected to give it up everytime.

And furthermore, I didn’t know where this new relationship with Pohn was going anyway…what if we end up getting married one day and my kids ask me about the first time daddy and I fell in love and I have to tell her it was through my free night and weekend minutes and some one-handed quick fingers?

So I decided to play it safe and write back in the words of Marky Mark, “Say hi to your mother for me.”

So it’s true. I officially live with a dude.

Yup, he has black hair, green eyes and a high pitched meow. His name is Oscar and he is a Maine Coon Cat. I also refer to him as Oscalicious. He has gorgeous hair and sparkling eyes…so I tell him he looks just like his Mama.
Ever since Oscar moved in last month I can’t help but feel the overwhelming weight of living with a boy. He is dirty, he leaves stuff everywhere, doesn’t put things away... all he wants me to do is feed him... and when we watch TV together, he farts.

Seriously. I live with a dude. When I come home he rubs against me and is always trying to lay his head on my boobs, but the minute I start to get dressed to go out with friends he wants nothing to do with me. He will stare at the length of my skirt and at my wine glass, as if to say, "Are you getting drunk AGAIN you ho?!"

Last night I actually forgot about him for a moment and kicked him off the bed by accident. I rolled into the middle and pushed him off the side with my leg. I woke up to two green eyes staring intently at me from the floor. You could tell he was not happy...I hadn’t feed him or given him any love last night and seriously I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t rip up all my bras this afternoon while I am at work ...or hack into my facebook page.

Yesterday I found him sitting in my bathroom staring at a magazine with a half naked girl on the cover. I swear if I come home one night to find him reading a playboy while watching Sports Center I will not be fucking surprised.

Mom- "Kimberly, I am sorry to bother you at work, but I have a very important question to ask you."

Me- "What Mom?"

Mom- "How do I check my voicemail?"

Me- "Mom, you have had a cell phone for two years now, what do you mean you dont know how to check your voicemail?"

Mom-"Are you typing right now? I hear you typing, can you stop and pay attention? I need you to explain it to me again."

Me- (loud sigh, thoughts of zanax) "Alright Mom, first you dial *86"

(beep..beep..beep)

Me-"No Mom, not right now, dont do this right now, wait until I hang up."

Mom-" Oh ok, ok, keep going hunny, well wait, let me get a pen, let me find a CRAIG! CRAIG WHERE DID YOU PUT MY PENS, I TOLD YOU NOT TO MOVE MY..oh, ok, here we go, I have one now."

Me-" So dial *86 and when you hear the recording start enter in your password."

Mom-"What's my password?"

Me- "What do you mean what's your password, you created it!"

Mom-"Can't you just tell me what it is?"

Me- "Mom, I dont know what your password is, YOU are the one who created it.."

Mom" Ok, oh dear, oh well hmm..I think it is 1111...can you check and see if that is right?"

Me-"No Mom, I can't check, you will have to check...so enter it in and hit pound and then all your messages should come up."

Mom-"Ok hunny, I will go try it, thank you for all your help, I know you know this technology whoha."

Hang up.

Five minutes later, phone rings.

Mom- "Hi Honey!"

Me- "Mom, why are you calling me again?"

Mom-"Because I just got your message! You called and left a message for me to call you back!"

Me- "Mom I left that message three months ago...ok I am getting off the phone now..."

So in exactly one week something big is going to happen. Bigger then big actually. Something that may change the universe forever.

“Hello, My Name is Kimberly, and I do not want a Birthday party”.

“Hello Kimberly.”

So there you have it. In one week I will be 27. Yes. I am officially old. And for the past 27 years I have been parting like it’s 1981. But this year, I can’t say exactly what, but something feels different. As you can imagine, having a birthday that falls on Halloween weekend has always been the challenge…I have had Cowgirl themed parties, 80’s themed parties, Scuba-Steve parties... Last year I got ten party goers across a red rope, one who randomly walked in drunk, I made the bouncer give me a piggy-back ride, fell on the dancefloor, and ripped my dress…essentially exactly what a birthday should be about.

This year though, I am having the Old Person Blues. Yes, 27 is still young, but it’s fairly close to having to “accomplish” things…or “figure things out”…or “give up your coke habit”.

I mean I don’t know, this whole getting older thing is very confusing. Should I be married by now? Should I be having kids? Should I run for governor of Alaska?

In lieu of a normal party this year, I feel like something different and non-fun. I want a good ol’ non-fun birthday. So here are some of my ideas:

- Sit at home alone and watch “Steel Magnolias”, and cry.

-Sit at home wrapped up in a wool blanket, eat cookies and cry.

-Knit an entire sweater out of corduroy

- Watch re-runs of Full House and mutter to myself about the ‘good old days’.

-Go to 4pm early bird dinner special wearing some sort of heavy rubber soled shoe

- Speed-walk around the mall at 8am, then go home and complain about my arthritis

I would like it if you could all vote on what I should do....