SELFABSORBED.ME

Some people have nightmares about the boggieman..or about falling off a ledge…or even someone chasing them around with an ax.

Want to know what my nightmare is?

That I wake up one morning and I am living in the middle of a suburb… nowhere near any city… married to a man who wears pleated khaki pants …and we have a gray minivan.





(Shudders)


I get the chills just thinking about it.


It is like everything I ever didn’t want my life to turn into.


And that I would become one of those suburban housewives who go to Cosco to buy Cheese Doodles in bulk… and I eat them on the way home in my minivan… and spill orange crumbs onto the front of my stretched-out button up.

Wait, I am sorry, I have to go take a tranquilizer before I finish this story so I don’t get myself too excited.


…Ok, I am ok now.


And now add on top of that my weekends are filled with things like “making draperies” out of purple-pinkish flower fabric and measuring my “window size”… and having debates over which kitty litter smells the least.


Wait, I need three more glasses of wine before I finish this.


…Ok, I am back.


And during the middle of the week I have arguments with my khaki-panted husband about things like “shingle siding”. What?! Ugh, I just want to vomit right in my bed thinking about it.

And instead of working as a writer and editor I work as an assistant at some telemarketing company, where they have a big gray building in the middle of a nowhere-technology-park. And I pull-up, going a reasonable 29 miles per hour in my gray minivan… with child throw up all over the back seat.

...oh and we own some mutt-ass dog named "Fluffalupagus"... and three smelly fish who shit all day in the tank.

However, lucky for me, this is always just a nightmare...because I wake up, every morning and look around....and then I thank God that I live alone..laying in my expensive pajamas... have nothing but vodka and bottled water in my fridge.... and some boy whose name I have yet to learn sleeping in my bed…and I breathe a sigh of relief...ahhh, now that’s much better…